Hey everyone! In the past month I have recently came to terms with myself that I am gay. I’m in my early 30’s and have been married for 8 years. I am wanting to come out to my wife in the near future but I could use any advice from anyone that is willing to give me some. I know it’s going to be one of the most difficult things to do but I’m ready to just be me. Should I come out to a friend first or to my wife? I’m just super anxious about it all and need to get it off my chest. Thanks for any help you guys give me!!!
Congrats on coming out to yourself! Its a huge step Do you have any ideas on their stance on LGBT issues? It's completely up to you - I liked coming out to people I thought would take it the best first. Then I'd have a bit of a support network to come out to people I thought may not be as accepting, or might be more difficult to come out to for one reason or another Welcome to EC by the way!
Hi there And congrats on coming out to yourself that's a big step as for coming out to wife sound like your getting ready to do just that but take your time . Try coming out to a freind first . I did and he was so supportive I was shocked but it made me feel so good I then told my daughters for more Support mainly for the wife before I told her .it was hard a lot of tears but we got through it and were good friends. But you do what you need to do in your own time I hope it goes well Mark
Thanks! She definitely is an ally to the LGBT community. She doesn’t see anything wrong with it and has a few gay friends. There’s that doubt in my mind that she won’t be accepting and that’s one of the issues that I’ll just have to deal with. Thanks for the advice and maybe I’ll come out to a close friend before I come out to her.
Do you think this will come as a complete surprise to your wife, or do you think she might have suspicions? How she reacts to your coming out if it's a complete surprise might be different than if she already has some suspicions.
Maybe steer a conversation that way and see where it goes... She may catch on or it'll get her wheels turning that way..at that point you'll know when to drop the news...good luck and congratulations.
In my case (after decades of marriage) I knew I had to tell my wife first. She was the one who was going to be most impacted by this news, and she would be in my life daily and nightly as I was on this journey of claiming my bisexuality. I also knew that being a straight spouse learning you are in a mixed orientation marriage is hard, even for a straight ally of the LGBTQ community. She did not take it well three years ago, and I’ll never forget what she said to me out of her shock and pain, but she now regrets her initial reactions and words. But I think she would have felt worse if she hadn’t been the first to know. I am so glad I came out to her first, although I regret that I hadn’t written a letter that she could go back over later - she forgot what I’d said, and I’d spent so much time preparing what I’d said to assure her my love of her (and our marriage) were still central, and real.
For me! I’d been married for 18 years and the first person who deserved to know before anyone else was my husband, since it affected him more than anyone else. I also didn’t want him to find out from anyone else. So my advice would be to find the right time when you and your wife are alone and literally just tell her how you’ve been struggling and that you seriously need her to know about your sexuality. This can never be an easy task. I’ve been there so I know full well the difficulties in beginning such a conversation with someone who you love and don’t want to hurt. But you need to tell her as soon as possible. Both of you can then discuss your futures and make decisions on what to do. whatever you decide to do, whoever you come out to first, I wish you Good luck.
Hiddenguy.....Hello and a very big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important factors in deciding when to come out are: *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you...not them. *****Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out. *****You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! An additional plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them at least some time to think about it only seems fair as well as getting you out of a potentially difficult, emotion-based conversation! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help! *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, the people that you come out to will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon the person...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****As for who to come out to first...that's a tough question. Will you wife be upset if she finds out that you've told others before her? Do you think that you will need the support of a few close friends before you come out to your wife? Those are difficult questions that only you can answer. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
Thanks everyone for your responses and stories. I think I will definitely write a letter just so I know and can go over what I want to talk about and to have it there just in case. I’m still not sure if I want to tell a close friend before her but I’m leaning in the direction of what most of you said which is to tell her first. I’m super excited to have support from you guys. Just getting responses from you guys is helping my anxiety about it and makes me feel like I have at least someone in my corner.
Hiddenguy.....We will always be here to do whatever we can to help. You are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care. .....David
Hey @Hiddenguy One other thing to consider is to get some counseling to deal with the anxiety. I did this before coming out to my wife. It really helped me to center myself. Also, talking through my acceptance of my sexuality with another person was very helpful. I came out as bisexual to save my marriage. So, my situation is different than yours. But, I wrote my wife a letter and it was a good way to communicate. She would have been upset if I had told someone else first.
