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New here, gay guy with no community or real friends, looking for finer points on orientation

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Unorthodog, Apr 11, 2021.

?

Am I gay, or bi?

  1. You're gay

    85.7%
  2. You're bi

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. You're something else

    14.3%
  1. Unorthodog

    Unorthodog Guest

    Hey everyone,

    I'm new here, looking to find people to ask questions to because sometimes the internet doesn't help much when you simply ask questions to google. I've been out as a gay man for about 8 years but lately have been trying to make sure I'm not bi. I can't tell if this is because I live in a conservative area and not fitting in with my area's ideologies, wether I'm just feeling pressure to do so or wether there might be anything to it - researching it on the internet hasn't gotten me closer to an answer, and I've had a difficult time figuring it out for myself.

    I know for sure I am sexually and romantically attracted to men. I see myself eventually marrying or at least being in a serious relationship with a man. I've been in a few relationships with men and have been in love with a man.
    I also know that I'm not romantically attracted to women - I wouldn't be in a serious relationship with or marry one. Sometimes in my head I find certain imagined women attractive, sometimes to the point of arousal.

    However, this arousal isn't something that spills over into real life, and I don't feel motivated/interested in acting on it in reality.
    I understand that sexual attraction to more than one gender means bisexuality, but my confusions comes when focusing on the difference between arousal in my head based on imagined women - and sexual attractions that someone wants to act on in real life, which I don't experience.

    I want to have relationships with and maybe eventually marry a man, if I were to get married.
    I don't want to have relationships with nor possibly marry a women.
    I don't feel motivated to have sex with women, because I want to have sex with people who I intend to date/ have something further with; which is not what I want with women.

    Again, I only mentally am few times aroused by the idea of imagined women in my mind, but don't want to or feel comfortable on acting on it in real life. (Which I DO want to and feel comfortable with doing with men.)

    I feel most comfortable with identifying as gay, and it feels right for me. Identifying as bi doesn't feel as right as gay does, but I don't know wether that justifies anything.
    But I'm worried if I'm somehow lying or being dishonest. It's been somewhat confusing and I'd appreciate some outside opinions on this. Thanks all! :slight_smile:
     
  2. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

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    Unorthodog.....Hello and a great big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: There is a sub-forum here on EC that is titled “Sexual Orientation”. If you post there I think you'll find people who will understand how you feel and will be able to offer support and understanding! :old_big_grin: We are so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  3. Lesbee

    Full Member

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    I am no authority on the subject (is there one?) but personally from what you described, you sound totally gay to me!

    I believe what matters most is what label (if any) you feel is right for you. That said, I believed I was bi most of my life and only recently realized I was gay, but it took me awhile to accept because sometimes I could imagine sexual acts with my then partner... but the truth is, whenever it came down to actually ACTING on them, it felt awkward and uncomfortable and not at all right. And truthfully, most, if not all of the time, the thought of het sex turns me off -- it's just those occasional thoughts of 'maybe I wouldn't hate it?' that made me question my sexuality... but those doubts have been squashed many times, and more so every time I have the chance to be intimate with the one man I love (and even find attractive) but just definitely do not want to have sex (or anything sexual) with.
     
  4. Unorthodog

    Unorthodog Guest

    Thanks so much!
    Yeah, I realized this wasn't the best place for this question and found the exact forum you"re refrencing, copy and pasted this.
    I'm really glad I found these forums!
     
  5. Unorthodog

    Unorthodog Guest

    I essentially feel the same way. Thanks for helping with some clarification!
     
  6. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

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    Welcome to EC, @Unorthodog! Based on what you've said, it seems to me gay fits you well. I'm by no means an expert of course, but I think the fact that you don't feel drawn to real-life women is a pretty good indicator. It's entirely possible that you are bi, though, wherein your attraction to men overrides it.

    That said, I think it's more likely some part of your subconscious trying to hold on to even the smallest shred of heterosexual attraction, because it can be scary to fully embrace yourself--and even if you have all these years, it's only natural that doubts creep in from time to time.

    @quebec has some excellent advice; I second checking out the Sexual Orientation sub-forum. Perhaps there you will find more clarity. :slight_smile:

    In the meantime, I hope you like it here.
     
  7. Unorthodog

    Unorthodog Guest

    I do like it here! Thanks so much for the advice and input, I appreciate it!
     
  8. sojabohnenfeld

    Regular Member

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    If you don't want to have sex with women, do you still want to be physically close with them? That's something you could explore. I'm not sure if that makes you bi. But if it's something you like, then don't not do it!