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A question for those who came out of straight relationships...?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Gipsy, Apr 5, 2021.

  1. Gipsy

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    Did it take you some time to really consider if maybe it's just a "phase your going through" before you considered ending things (in better words, thinking that you really don't actually romantically love them)?

    Did it hurt to see them move on to someone else, even if you didn't have feelings for them that way?

    I'm just asking because I'm in this situation, and as wonderful of a guy he is, I am struggling with these questions myself and would love some insight from people who have or are still going through this.
     
  2. Kmermaid00

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    I was married for nearly 13 years to a man. It was hard accepting myself before we broke up and divorced. It was hard to see him with someone else. Even after the divorce seeing him on our anniversary made me cry. I am so much happier not being with him anymore. I'm mostly out as pansexual. It really was hard for me but necessary.
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Gipsy,

    I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. It is a very confusing situation to be in and it can be overwhelming.

    For me, I knew that I was unhappy, but for a while at least, I couldn’t pinpoint why that was - whether it was my sexuality or whether it was the relationship itself. The focus I placed my sexuality and the guilt that I felt around that, did cause me to lose sight of the fact that I wasn’t happy or fulfilled in the relationship anyway.

    What you do is entirely your decision and there’s no rush to do anything, so take time to process and think things through if you need to. Just give some thought to whether you really are truly fulfilled in this relationship, and even though he is a wonderful guy, whether this is really the relationship you want for yourself. If it’s not right, then it will likely only get harder for you in the long term.
     
  4. Gipsy

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    LostInDaydreams,

    Thank you so much for your story and insight. I like to hear others stories because it kind of justifies my own feelings. I've had these feelings pretty much since we got into a relationship. The first few months was infatuation, but I'm starting to think it was the idea that I finally could prove that "Hey I'm finally in a relationship! People don't need to question me anymore!" kind of thing, and also the fact that I had no friends at all when I got with him, and was caught up in my loneliness -- and I still am, which is why I struggle making this decision because I know that he's a human being and he's going to get hurt and want some space from the break up -- and I don't want to be lonely when this happens. I know it sounds so selfish, and I actually ended up blurting out yesterday about my feelings of this relationship yesterday...and it was emotional. I was not ready for yesterday. But we have considered a small break for self-reflection. But, I think I already know my answer...

    I have internal homophobia, and as much as I try to accept it, I always end up going back to the "traditional ways" for the sake of family.. I need to stop that...it's not like they don't know I like women. I believe that I can still be friends with him, but it won't be easy for him. Anyway..thank you!
     
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  5. LostInDaydreams

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    I felt the same way about EC whilst I was going through this. Knowing that others felt the same way validated my feelings.

    My situation was similar. I was so relieved to be just like everyone else and I didn’t have any friends that lived locally, so it opened up my social life quite a lot.

    I felt similar, but it eventually became unbearable and I had to take steps towards leaving. As I’m sure you know, this is not a good reason to stay in a relationship and if you were to stay together, the distance between you would likely grow anyway, which can make you feel lonely even though you’re in a relationship. If you go your separate ways, then you have the freedom to be yourself and meet new people (including new friends), which is better in the long term as being dependent on your relationship to fulfil all your social needs isn’t healthy. Don’t beat yourself up over this, you’re not alone in feeling this way.

    Do you have friends or family that could support you at the moment?

    One step at a time. You don’t need to tell your family exactly why you’ve separated until you are ready to do so.
     
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  6. Gipsy

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    I don't have friends at the moment, or better yet, they are acquaintances. None of them really know that my relationship has been struggling since the beginning, and I think they assume I'm straight since he's in my social media. My boyfriend is everywhere, from social media, to my room with pictures. It would hurt me to take them down. And I think it's because I feel so bad with all the memories I've created with him. I have never had such a long-term companionship. I care for him so much, just not in that way...I wish I did. I thought about it for so long, I even tried to fix it and force my feelings, but nothing. We've been together for almost 2 years now. It's very hard for me to open up about my sexuality again to my family. It just feels...awkward.

    My dad has an idea about our relationship honestly, I ended up opening up a bit to him on why I don't feel anything for him in that way, but not why I don't. My family is the last people that I'd go to, but I think my bottle was just about ready to explode that I told my dad hints of it last week. I think my dad put the pieces together, though. I am trying to meet friends while I am still in college, but the pandemic has held a lot back.
     
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  7. LostInDaydreams

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    I don’t think you’re alone in feeling that way. It can be hard to walk away when you’ve built memories with somebody, your life with them is comfortable and familiar, and you’re not (yet) absolutely miserable. As time goes on though, it will likely get harder. I left my ex three years after I joined EC, at the beginning I thought I could keep the pretence up indefinitely but it was draining and made me miserable by the end.

    You won’t invalidating all those memories by separating from him. It doesn’t mean that they haven’t been positive memories and that you don’t really like him. I just means that you’ve come to the realisation that you’re not compatible in a romantic sense and that it’s better for both of you to split up.

    The other thing to consider is that the longer you stay together the more memories you’ll have together, you might end up living together too and so on, which will make it harder to untangle yourselves from each other.

    I do understand what you’re saying about awkwardness. As said before, one step at a time. You can tell your family when you are ready to tell them.

    Do you feel able to talk honestly with your boyfriend?
     
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  8. Gipsy

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    This is SUPER insightful. It seems like every time I hint something about losing interest to my boyfriend, or even times that we have disputed...he thinks I just say it just in the moment, because I'm angry. But two days ago, I told him that these feelings won't go away, the feeling of not feeling anything for the relationship. And I cried about it. But I think he took my crying as that I'm still romantically attracted to him, and said "This is true love, because we cry for each other..." and I feel like I'm being guilt-tripped...I don't even know. He's always wanted to marry me and it's screeching behind my ears...I have considered in the past living with him because I wanted to move out and have my own sense of independency. But you're not wrong, that would make me COMPLETELY miserable, and codependent in a sense.

    I don't think he means to guilt-trip or anything, he just doesn't wanna let me go. And he always says it. And every time I've mentioned something like this, he's cried a lot. He's a very emotional person, and it eats me to see me in pain. I don't know what to do. Should I still keep the photos when I do end things if they are not bad memories? I'm at a loss.
     
  9. QuietPeace

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    I only delete things when I am escaping an abusive situation. If you want to keep memories of good times that is fine and probably healthy.
     
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  10. Gipsy

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    That completely makes sense, thank you.
     
  11. LostInDaydreams

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    @Gipsy To be honest, I think the photos are a relatively small issue in the grand scheme of things. You need to work towards reaching a decision about your relationship. You can decide how you feel about the photos on the other side.

    The way you’ve described the situation, it doesn’t seem that he’s really listening to you or taking your feelings seriously. What are your plans following the break your both currently taking? Are you intending to meet up and have a conversation?
     
  12. Gipsy

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    I don't think we have taken an official break yet because there are events coming up that involve the both of us that we have planned before our recent dispute... But I really need it..and he's mentioned this break himself for the sake of my own reflection and his, too. What sucks is that I am also trying to open up an online store but I am jotting down ideas on it first, and he is a graphics editor and would like to partake in helping me build my project better. As good of an editor as he is, I really don't think it's a good idea... either I would have to learn myself or meet others to help me. I'm not sure if his participation in my project would help. I think I'm getting a little..angry about the idea that he is disregarding my feelings a tad.
     
  13. QuietPeace

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    The amount of disregard the seems to have for you would indicate that it is time for this relationship to end. Even if you were attracted to men.
     
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  14. LostInDaydreams

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    I think your instinct about avoiding him being involved in your project is right. It could make things messier when you do eventually split up. There’s also the risk that he wouldn’t listen to your ideas, as it’s something he seems to have form for.

    Is it essential that you attend the events together? Could you just tell him that you really need the break now? Or, if you’re feeling up to it, tell him that it’s over?

    It’s completely understandable that you’re angry. He wants you to stay together because it suits him. He’s not really considering your feelings in that at all.
     
    #14 LostInDaydreams, Apr 6, 2021
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2021
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  15. Gipsy

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    I don't know, he already paid for a trip to another state..and also, I want to go for the amusement parks. I think it's fun. But I don't want him to think that it would renovate everything. It's not like he 100% invalidates my feelings, like at first he does and even initiated the break if anything, but then I think he just pushed it aside the following day... as if we didn't even talk about it?
     
  16. Gipsy

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    Adding onto this, I don't want to get intimate at a hotel just because we have our time without disturbances. He doesn't force me or anything, he's always respectful of what I want, but I know he would strongly desire it. We don't really have an intimate life. It's mostly because I don't have any interest in that either. I guess there is just so many red flags as I keep talking.
     
  17. LostInDaydreams

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    Whether or not you go is entirely your decision. The reality is that he will probably interpret you going along as a positive sign, where as not going would show that you are serious when you tell him that you’re not happy.

    I went away with my ex a couple months before I left him, with another couple too, so not even just the two of us, and he mentioned it as “evidence” that I must of been happy and he had no idea that I wasn’t.

    He won’t invalidate your feelings completely because he wants you to have some motivation to stay. It keeps you hanging on a little bit, thinking he’s wonderful, etc. Doing it consistently wouldn’t achieve what he wants. That he does it at all is an issue, regardless of how often it happens.
     
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  18. Gipsy

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    I see, I definitely will not ignore my feelings and will bring it up very soon for sure to reassure him that I'm serious. I'm very thankful for both you and QuietPeace's insights on this!
     
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  19. LostInDaydreams

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    You’re very welcome. :slight_smile:

    Let us know how it goes or reach out if you need more support as things progress.
     
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