Hi, I’m in my twenties and recently separated from my marriage with a man. I have questioned my sexuality since I was about 12. I was brought up in a traditional Christian household so it was something I had to keep a secret. A couple of years ago I finally felt comfortable identifying as Bi. But now I’m single again I am really reflecting on past relationships and that inner voice is back wondering if I am a lesbian. I am really lost and confused. Would be nice to speak to other people on here
hello @Heyitsbee, welcome to EC. We're happy to have you! What are some things that make you think you might be lesbian and not bisexual?
Heyitsbee.....Hello and a great big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! There are a number of sub-forums here on EC...why don't you check them out and then feel free to join in the conversations! We will do our best to be a support and a place to vent when you need it! We are so glad that you have found us here on EC! .....David
Hey @Heyitsbee, Welcome to EC. I really relate to being brought up in a Christian household and having to keep your sexuality a secret. Personally, I felt confused when I was questioning too. I couldn't figure out if I was a lesbian or bisexual. I know there's no pressure to label yourself, but I wanted to know. I learnt about compulsory heterosexuality and internalised homophobia. I started to really dig into my past without that bias and realised how gay I was. I was so sure that I liked women. I just wasn't sure about the men. What I found out was that my only "crush" on a guy in high school was because all my friends thought we'd look great together. It was me trying to fit into the societal norm. The experience is different for everyone. I just wanted to share mine, so you'd know you're not alone and that it's okay to feel the way you do. I wish you luck as you discover who you are.
I can find men attractive and appreciate them. I didn’t fancy boys when I was younger until I was 14 but even then it would often be the popular ones I knew I had no chance with or I would notice they were attractive after my friends pointed them out. Also a lot of the guys I liked/have been in relationships with have been quite feminine, masculine guys have never really interested me. I feel like I liked the idea of being in a relationship with a man rather than the actual experience. Being really honest (first time I’m admitting this - so I’m a bit scared!) I don’t really enjoy doing anything sexually to them and I’m not naturally affectionate around men. But when it comes to my female friends I am very affectionate and want to hug/be near them and I crave it back. I have always been attracted to women sexually, but never entertained the idea of it romantically because of comp het/religious upbringing/a bit of fear I guess...but recently I’ve become really aware of what my body is actually thinking/feeling rather than what I think I ‘should’ feel. At the moment the idea of being in another relationship with a man feels exhausting, which kind of makes me think why? I guess because I feel like I’m pretending to myself that I’m happy, when deep down I don’t think I’m as interested as I think I am. There’s more - but I feel like it would turn into an essay haha! Thank you for replying and welcoming me ☺️
T Thank you for sharing this. I actually read one of your posts yesterday and completely related to o It. It’s nice to know I’m not alone- honestly can’t believe I didn’t know about this group until now, I’ve been living in my own head for so long and it’s so confusing. I also get what you mean about the labelling, it’s hard I think as humans we have this constant need to make sense of everything and categorise it so we can get it, but I equally understand love and sexuality is so complex it’s difficult to unpick. I think I’m more wanting to accept the possibility of being a lesbian and feel comfortable with it. I don’t feel like the term bisexual sits right with me at the moment. I also don’t want to just end up dating guys again because it’s what I feel I should do it what everyone is expecting me to do. Honestly, thank you so much for your welcome and reply - it means a lot ☺️
I agree and I am glad you related to one of my posts. Trying to figure everything out in your head can get exhausting sometimes. You will find that EC is a nice place for you to discover where you feel comfortable.
Hello Heyitsbee! I can also relate to being raised in a Christian household that really drummed into me that being gay was "bad" and something to be ashamed of and hide. I'm also super confused about my orientation as well. Welcome!
Hi! Yeah I definitely struggle with the internalised homophobia that was kinda ingrained in me from a young age through parents/religion/society. It’s sad to think we had to hide (and I still am currently) for being ourselves. I hope you start to feel clearer about your sexuality too
Oof @Heyitsbee I relate so much to what you and @Red Sun are saying - that religious trauma really can impact us in so many ways! Besides likewise thinking I was just bi all my life, noticing I was never turned on by men (but confused because I could find them attractive), and generally never wanting to be affectionate with men, I recently realized (for me) how my religious upbringing affected my thinking and made it so hard to see that I was actually a lesbian. Personally, I was forced to go to church by my parents, and forced to wear certain clothes there - that, in addition to many other more traumatic experiences in my life, taught me that my body isn't mine. Christianity often teaches that women are to be submissive to men generally, and that message was strong in how my parents raised me as well, so the unconscious lesson I learned was that a) I had to find a man to be valued, b) (from society) I had to be sexy to get a man, and c) my body was only for pleasing him (but also stay abstinent and don't tempt him otherwise it's your fault). WHEW! I also realized just recently, that the idea of "Jesus died for your sins so you joyfully give your life to Him" was so deeply ingrained as well, that I always felt like I owed someone if they were nice to me. Like I wasn't grateful for their kindness (even unwelcome kindness), and was therefore a bad/selfish person, unless I was willing to sacrifice my own needs & wants for them! I think this is also partly of how some of us are socialized as women as well -- everyone else comes first. SO much to uncover. For me, seeing this stuff has been really eye opening and helped clarify my sexuality in my own mind. Sometimes I still have doubts, but I notice they're weaker and weaker, and pass more quickly every time they show up. I'm still living with my "boyfriend" of 5 years who I love very much, but he knows I'm a lesbian. (He should be moving out by the end of the month.) In the meantime, sometimes when I feel the grief of this loss, I think "maybe I can *make* this work" - just like I made myself be sexual with men in the past... but I'm no longer willing to abandon myself. So I think, 'I just need to get him to turn me on'... but it doesn't work that way! I'm just not at all turned on by him, and never have been by a man -- it's just been me going through the motions until something felt good. But I'm more clear as I notice the difference between seeing an "attractive" man naked, or doing something I would "think" is sexy... and noticing how my body (doesn't) respond... then I'll just be on Instagram or something and any random woman will be like just talking and I get turned on by just seeing her arm or something. It's so obvious when I'm actually willing to look at it. Sorry for the long post, but I hope something in there is helpful on your own path of finding clarity! ❤️
Hi & Welcome to EC! We’re so pleased to have you! I also identified as Bisexual, from my early 20s and it was just last year (now 28) that I realised actually, I’m all about the ladies! It takes a long time sometimes, but you’re in the right place with lots of amazing advice & people! -Amz
Thank you for sharing your story! I am so grateful for your experiences and insight. I really hope that soon I’ll feel clearer about things. But it’s nice to know I’m not alone on this journey and that there are others with similar experiences. I appreciate what you’re saying about the doubts being weaker and weaker - I’m starting to feel it myself and hopefully I’ll feel lighter soon! ☺️
