let TIME decides for me..

Hi @eccentric2

I’m sorry to read this and I’m sorry that you feel this is your only option.

I know that I’ve mentioned this before, but it really does get harder with time. The sense of being suffocated and trapped gets worse, not easier. It will possibly have a detrimental impact on your mental health and that will have a knock on impact on the environment and those around you.

I completely understand your thinking. From the point of joining EC, it took me three years to leave my now ex because I was frightened, but the only thing that I regret is not doing it sooner.

Of course, it’s your decision and only you fully know your own situation. Just remember that we’re here if you ever need to vent or talk.

 

eccentric2.....At one point in my life I felt the same way that you do. For about 18 months after I first came out here on Empty Closets I said that I would never tell anyone else that I was gay. I had limited my coming out to the wonderful people here on EC and my therapist and that was all. period. I said that I would take this secret to my grave. I did not want my Evangelical Christian Family to know as I felt that it would devastate them to find out that the "Patriarch" of the family was gay. I did not want anyone in our town/community to know as a retired teacher I feared a terrible backlash from parents and former students. So I decided (like you) that if anyone would suffer from this secret, it would be me. It was "my fault" so I would pay the price rather than the innocent people around me. Does this sound familiar to you? The first 12 months of those 18 months I only had contact about my sexuality with the people here on Empty Closets. I learned a lot and I did make progress but I really did need to actually talk to someone face-to-face. I found a therapist in a town 150 miles away so that he would not know me (I'm very well known in my hometown) who specializes in working with the LGBT Family. He was also a gay man although that wasn't a requirement I viewed it as a positive. After six months of talking to him every week, I came to understand that the secret of my sexuality was controlling me. It controlled what I said, how I said it, how I dressed, how I sat in a chair, what music I said I liked and many, many other things in my life. I hadn't realized just how much of my life was affected by that secret every day. The control that secret had over me became more and more suffocating until I couldn't stand it any more. With the help of my therapist I came to understand that I had to "kill" the secret to destroy its power over me. The only way to do that was to come out to at least some of the people who I said I would never come out to. The most important person that I needed to come out to was my wife. At that time we had been married for 37 years. We were very close, but this was so far outside anything that had ever come up between us that I was really worried about the possibility of a divorce. I had already decided that I did not want a divorce, that I did not want to change how I was living by looking for a boyfriend, etc. I felt that I could live very much as I always had with just the addition of the fact that I was gay and that some of the people who were closest to me would know. I realize that this kind of a life would not work for others, but I felt it would work for me, if my wife would accept it. Coming out to my wife was the most difficult thing that I have ever done. More difficult that the first time that I came out to someone. There were questions and a lot of tears. I had in my favor that I had never gone behind her back with anyone and that I didn't want to change how we were living our lives. It wasn't easy for her but we both got through it and are still together. Since then I have come out to two of my three sons and several of my closest friends. For me...this works. I joke that I live with one foot in the closet and one foot out. I understand that my solution will not work for very many other people, but it does for me. I don't think that everybody has to live the same exact way anyhow! So after this long story what I saying to you is please do not say never. Situations can change, people can change. Things that we thought could never happen can sometimes suddenly occur and completely surprise us. Perhaps for now not coming out to your family is the best choice however, that doesn't mean that it will always be the right choice. Surley being able to be the "real" you, the authentic you around your loved ones is something that would be far better than hiding who you really are for the rest of your life. If you can't do it now you could certainly work towards the goal of one day being able to be that person to your family. It may take time...it may take quite a lot of time, but that doesn't mean that it can never happen. Keep it in your heart as something that you cherish...something that is one of your life's goals. You may be surprised one day!
.....David

 

I felt the same thing before I left my ex. It seemed like everyone on EC was moving at a faster pace than me. It was really hard. However, you can only get there in your own time and there’s no rush. So, there’s no pressure to act - I had to wait for a few things to fall into place - but it’s good to keep your end goal in mind and start slowly working towards it. Baby steps.