Just some thoughts I had about coming out... Female, 28 here. After coming out to family and friends (I was fortunate in that they accepted me), I was not prideful. I thought that I had accepted myself, even just as a human being, but that was not the case. After coming out of the closet it is expected that you are already in a place of self-acceptance and there is no trace of shame inside of you. However, I was constantly trying to prove myself and seek validation from others. I still carry a lot doubt about my queerness. I still question if I am legitimately queer. I started to fall back to the comfort of heteronormativity and take back what I had said to other people and flip-flop my identity when it seems fit: “Just kidding, I’m actually not gay.” “I actually think I am bisexual but only want to be with men romantically.” “Wait, I’m asexual and don’t feel sexually attracted to anybody.” “I am only sexually attracted to women, but I would never want to be with women.” "I'm so gay." The cycle repeats. I noticed that after coming out, I did not look inward enough. I focused on what other people thought of me. I focused on a specific self-image of a queer person and said that this is me. I never focused much on what I thought of me. After coming out as “not straight” I have also engaged in self-beliefs and behaviors completely contradictory to the behaviors that are expected in our culture after coming out. Examples: I avoid and dismiss any feelings I may have had toward the same sex, even if it is just a thought. Any bad date or a date left with no sparks means that I was never attracted to women in the first place. I’ve never actually been with a woman so either I’m a bad queer or I was never really interested in women. I assume my self-consciousness, nervousness, and sexy thoughts of women are just me being weird and awkward as a person who just wants attention. I get emotionally triggered when I see LGBT couples on TV or in real life and I have to change the channel or look away. I feel like coming out did absolutely nothing for me, self-acceptance wise. Even if my mom knows, I still feel insecure about it. I still feel confused. Ambivalent. Not celebratory. I still feel awful and still doubt myself every day. I expected to be completely shame-free afterwards and I thought I had did all the work that I needed to, but I really didn't. "If I am still trying figure it out, I feel like I should have never come out in the first place," is something I would tell myself. But why would I put myself through coming out if I wasn't in the LGBTQ community in the first place? Why was it so hard to talk to my mom about this and why would I break down in tears if I were actually straight? It's been two years - why am I still questioning my sexuality if I was straight? I burden myself with all of these questions: What if I am not actually queer and I just have trust and attachment issues with men? On the other hand, what if I do know that I am queer but I have so much internalized homophobia and low self-worth that my thoughts/feelings/experiences continue to fill me with self-doubt? Essentially what I’m asking is, what if I am gas-lighting myself? The point I am trying to make based on my own experience is that cultural messaging and shame don’t necessarily go away after coming out of the closet. Self-acceptance doesn't get achieved immediately after coming out. Deep shame can stop us from being ourselves, gay or straight. I’ve learned that coming out may be helpful to you in the short-term but coming out alone does not bring self-acceptance. I learned that I need to focus on myself as me, not as a stereotype of a lesbian or bisexual woman.
You seem like a very insightful and self aware person. Self acceptance can take a lot of hard work. It's a difficult journey but the destination is definitely worth it. A lot of people underestimate how strong of a beast internalized homophobia can be. I wish you strength in your path to self acceptance.
I love this! Is so real! Our mind is a hard biscuit to break... The battle the real one is there... Until the victory allways Hope you the best. Love!
jjusa.....I know that other posters here have mentioned therapists. I'd like to emphasize that idea again. Sometimes we just need some help to make sense out of all of the different thought-streams that are going through our minds. In my case, having someone else to "bounce" ideas off of or to just talk through things helped me enormously. Many of the issues that I was working through were not solved in one session...sometimes it just takes a while to work through things. I saw my therapist for the first time in late December 2015 and I talked to him yesterday. Please consider this...I think it would be a very big help for you! .....David
You're right: it may be automatic for some, I'm sure, but for others, it's a process--and not a clean, linear process as some might envision, but one with many dips and valleys (a lot of which resemble your back and forth monologue). I believe, whether lesbian or bisexual (of any stripe), you are most definitely not straight. Your doubts are those internalized aspects that insist experience=sexual orientation. That's the vibe I'm getting, anyway. The fact of the matter is, while experience plays a part, it's certainly not the deciding factor of one's orientation. How you feel (even if that's complicated and confusing right now) is a much larger part of who you are and what you desire.
Thank you all for the kind and encouraging words. I just saw a new therapist last week. This time it was a male therapist. I realized that I could never open up to all of my previous female therapists about my sexuality, but with a male therapist I was able to let it all out. I'm just not secure in the presence of other women and idk if that will change or not. I hope things will get better
Take your time and be gentle with yourself. We don't all have the same path towards self-acceptance. It's also a normal defense mechanism to deny something about yourself that is not deemed acceptable by society and could alter many aspects of your life.
@Blueplanets..... That is a very good suggestion! May I "borrow" it to use as I write posts to encourage others? .....David
While I haven't come out to anyone yet, I definitely understand what you're going thru! I also have a lot of internalized homophobia, and I also do that thing where I can avoid or dismiss my attraction to women. I also tend to be extremely hard on myself- which is what I am working on currently. I've been trying to act towards myself like I act towards my good friends, and be really encouraging of myself. That has been helping me a lot.
Self acceptance is absolutely not automatic just because you come out. In another forum someone mentioned that coming out is a process not a one time thing and with that I fully agree. Self acceptance is tied to our self image so if you’ve lived a long time with a self image which wasn’t true to yourself than self acceptance is impossible. Coming out does not hand us a brand new self image...I wish it did because at times it’s so painful. And I cry rivers, only now they are not tears of despair. They’re not tears of joy either, they are healing tears. True holy water. I would rather suffer this pain, knowing that every day my new self image is a bit less fuzzy. And occasionally there are important break throughs and insights. For myself I’ve found that creative outlets are very helpful: music, art, dancing ... whatever it is that seems to speak to my spirit and free my soul. Even if only for a short time. I also had to free myself of the burden of religious faith... but that’s an extremely individualized and subjective issue. A lot of baggage in that particular closet.
Thank you for posting this @jjusa - I feel like this could be me in a year or two (or much less). I see some of the signs that I would respond similarly to a bad date with a woman, and have in the past, even though I've had positive sexual & romantic experiences with women. I know 100% I'm not straight, but since my coming out as a lesbian instead of bi meant breaking up my family, I can absolutely relate to the shame and doubt and battles with internalized homophobia, etc. I hope your therapy sessions are helpful and you're able to accept yourself in your full humanity.
