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I don't know what sexuality I am, please help

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Kallum, Mar 25, 2021.

  1. Kallum

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    Hi, I am an 18 year old male.
    I don't realy know what my sexuality is.. I have never had a crush on anyone but i have fantasised having sex with other males and I watch gay porn. However, I would never publicly share if I had sex with a boy (maybe out of fear of judgement?). I would never date a guy either as my deepest desire is to have blood children and a family, even though I think I will never have the chance to do this. I've gotten "excited" once when I was at my friend's house who is a girl and also at my guy friends house.

    I don't know what to think of this as I hardly ever fanticise about having sex with a girl unless I force myself to try and think of that.

    I would love to experiment with both genders but due to being overweight and having confidence issues I feel I won't get these opportunities
     
  2. Kyrielles

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    Only you know who you are and only you can determine your sexuality. You can choose to repress parts of yourself to pursue the stereotypical life or you can do what ultimately makes you happy and what you desire. Don’t rush, you’ll figure things out in time.

    Also. Just want to add that it is possible to still have biological children even as a gay man.
     
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  3. I'm gay

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    This should tell you something. If you have to force yourself in order to fantasize about women, and you naturally gravitate towards men during masturbation, then the likelihood is that you are not straight.

    @Kyrielles is correct - it is possible for you to have biological children, if that's what is important to you.

    You are still very young. I would focus for now on working on these issues.
     
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  4. LilLady9

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    Based on the information you provided, It sounds like to me that you might be a homosexual-leaning bisexual. Although, based on the fact you stated that you hardly ever fantasize about having sex with a woman unless you try and force yourself, you might be gay.

    However, I do agree with @Kyrielles that only you know who you are and only you can determine your sexuality. I also agree that you should take your time labeling yourself because you're very young.
     
    #4 LilLady9, Mar 26, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2021
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  5. Chip

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    What you're describing sounds a lot more like you're gay than bi or straight. I'm hearing lots about attraction to men, and almost nothing about attraction/arousal to women. I am guessing that the discomfort with public sharing has a lot more to do with fear of judgment and ridicule than it does with a genuine lack of attraction to same-sex folks.

    Weight issues and self-esteem are often deeply interwoven. Very often, people who have poor self-esteem unconsciously make themselves unavailable, and one way of doing that is by holding on to weight. (This is also why many people who lose weight gain it back... because they have not done the underlying emotional work and so unconscious does not believe that the person is worthy of love or attention.)

    Additionally, trauma is a huge factor in both weight and self-esteem. It can be either physical or emotional trauma, and does not need to be major to impact one's sense of self. If you add on top of that the fear of judgment about being gay... it makes perfect sense why you would not want to acknowledge the same sex attraction, and why your self-esteem is so low.

    The good news is... all of this is solvable. (I mean, the self esteem and, if you wish, the weight issues, because they are likely tied together. You can't change the fact that you're gay, if in fact you are, but you can learn to love and appreciate yourself for who you are. And the really good news is, since you are only 18, this is much easier to start working on now, than if you were just confronting this 20 years later.

    So one of the first steps is understanding yourself, further exploring the sexual attraction piece, and coming to terms with that. That's going to be a huge part of improving your self esteem.

    With the comments that people have made, and your own evaluation of yourself, how do you feel about the possibility that you might be gay, or on the gay end of the spectrum?
     
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  6. Lyman

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    Welcome to EC, @Kallum. I subscribe Kyrielles' and Chip's words. I just want to add that everything you've described would be true for me when I was 18 (except for the weight, but that's not what we're trying to determine).

    I spent the following 7 years sweeping it under the carpet and closing myself to love, affection and sex. Those wasted years never come back, so it's great that you've started the process of figuring yourself out much earlier than I did. Don't let anything nor anyone stop your self-discovery journey, regardless of whether you're gay or not.

    Talking about it (even if it's online) is a huge and terrifying step. Keep being brave and taking one step at a time!

    P. S.: The main issue is confidence, not your actual body. Apparently, I've been (conventionally) attractive all my life, but I had literally no idea until relatively recently and I still tend to have moments of weakness in which I think that I'll never find love/sex/whatever with anyone I like.