I don't know where to start with this bullshit. I wasn't even sure if this should go in the general support forum or the sexual orientation one. I guess I'll start by saying that I sometimes feel so gross. There are days where I just feel so awful that I can't even describe it. I just feel like I don't know myself on so many levels. For one, I feel like I have no direction in life. I have a degree, but I don't think I actually want to get a job involving it. I don't feel like I have any sort of direction in life, I don't even really know what things I enjoy doing anymore. The thing is that I recently graduated college and I know I need a job, but I don't think I'll be able to handle going to a job I don't find at least a little interesting. The second part is that I'm too self conscious and because of this I have absolutely no relationship experience. And all the sexual experience I have is with my closest friend so I feel like it might not be the best representation of how I feel overall. I did enjoy what has happened between us, and I even miss it a lot now that he's going to be away for a while. I find myself fantasizing about cuddling or having sex with him a lot. The weird thing is that I don't know if I feel "attracted" to him based on appearance, but I just feel happier around him. I think a big part of my problem is that I have basically no self confidence. I think this makes it hard for me to say (or maybe admit) with any confidence what my sexual orientation is or what my feelings for my friend are. I have no problems personally with what has happened between my friend and me. If someone else found out though, it would probably send me into some kind of crisis. Unfortunately, as I've said before, my mom found a note I had written that basically said something along the lines of "I'm not sure of my sexual orientation and I think I could be gay." When that happened I felt super embarrassed. It was my fault she found it, but I still felt like a huge violation of my privacy. I still think back to when she showed me the note and told me she found it. It was super uncomfortable and awkward. The fact that she knows pops into my head sometimes and it honestly just makes me cringe. I'm sure there's more that I wanted to say or could say, but I can't think of it right now. Thanks for reading!
One thing that I forgot to add is that my friend told me that he thinks we would make a good couple. I really don't understand why, but I do like the idea of us as a couple. I have a hard time figuring out why he would say something like that though. I don't think of myself as attractive. I can't imagine why anyone would want to be with me because of the way I look. I suppose this could just be one of those weird self confidence issues. I don't understand why he would like the way I look because I really don't. I did enjoy when we fooled around and had sex. But for some reason it's just too weird to admit that and I wonder if it's just because I've only felt this way about this one specific friend of mine.
I've read your "rambling" more than once, but never got to reply until now. At our age, it's pretty normal to be confused with the changes that come with the transition from college to the "world of adults." It's so normal that it even has a name: quarter-life crisis. Not knowing what you like to do anymore has to do with that but also with the pandemic and related stuff, in my experience. I was more or less at the same place in 2020, but now I'm more like "I have time to figure it out, and I don't really care that much." That said, it's still affecting me -- sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and of being lost, which isn't a nice thing. Is there anyone here who survived their 20s and can offer their perspective? Professionally, I chose my career and studies because I wanted to do something that improved people's lives, but I've discovered that my sector is so awful and corrupt that the only thing I can do is getting frustrated and disappointed on a daily basis. Now I'm trying to think if there's a way to reconduct my path towards a job that I find fulfilling, or if I just give up and try to work as little as possible where I am for the rest of my life. As for interpersonal relationships, I really need to make more friends because my network is extremely poor, especially in quality and geographical proximity. I really wish I had a friend like yours! All I hear is that you loved doing what you did with him, and you're so happy around him... Why don't you try to be with him? Tell him how terrified you are about all this but that you still want to give it a try because he's special to you! You can test how it works keeping it a secret and later on you can decide what to do. Not giving this a try sounds like the kind of thing people tend to deeply regret years later. Professionally and relationship-wise, just relax and take one step at a time. You don't have to find a wonderful solution for anything today. Just keep going! P. S.: Trying to be with *a* guy once doesn't make you non-straight. Some people are "straight, except for this one person." If that's the case, your friend is even more special, so don't let him go!
Thanks. It helps to know that it's not abnormal even though it really feels like it is. Sometimes I just feel like such a weirdo because of how I am. Everyone I know (which I guess isn't that many people) seems to have themselves figured out and the fact that I don't makes me feel like weirdo. I get that feeling of loneliness and being lost. The problem with me is that I feel basically no motivation to actually figure myself out more. It's like I just don't care even though I know it's probably one of the main reasons I've been feeling so bad lately. I feel like I only chose my major in school because it was at least somewhat interesting to me and it was pretty easy for me, l didn't really have to do much studying. I've been thinking about going back to school for something else, but I'm not sure what. I think I need a job I enjoy otherwise I'll just feel like I'm wasting my life on something I don't really care about. I know not everyone finds enjoyment from their job, but I feel like I won't be able to get up every day and go to a job if I don't enjoy it at least a little bit. I also need to make more friends. The friend I mentioned is the only one I've really seen in the last few months. That kind of makes me wonder about what has happened between us. I guess that isn't necessarily the reason we've fooled around a bit, but it just makes me wonder. I'm glad that we are so close, but I wonder if I'm just comfortable doing what we have done because I'm so close with him. I guess one part of that is that I really can't imagine why anyone would want to do anything with me. I don't consider myself attractive, and I also question my "attraction" to him. I don't know if it's genuine, or if he's just the person I feel the most comfortable around. I wonder if he's just horny so he's sort of "settling" for me or if I'm just horny and lonely and I'm experimenting with him because I don't have any other sexual experience. I know I don't need to figure it out immediately, but I'm just sick of feeling this way and I want it to stop and I don't know how to make that happen.
You're welcome! It's not abnormal, and people tend to survive to these quearterlife crises. So don't worry, as this too shall pass. You'll get out of this wiser and stronger, believe it or not. I can relate to the "in the end, not caring so much" thing... In fact, I think that that factor is likely to be the end of the story for me... Professionally, I seem to be gravitating towards a point in which I say: "Maybe my original plan wasn't perfect, but it isn't awful, either. There are more things in this life, apart from work." Jobs don't have to be perfect... Sometimes it's enough to have something that gives you a decent amount of money, that keeps you busy during part of the week (some/most people lose their marbles if they have too much free time) and that you don't ardently hate. Your last two paragraphs sound, to be honest, like more denial/bargaining towards a beautiful and genuine attraction towards your friend. That said, the last one contains self-depreciation and it's not the first time I see you do that... I haven't followed you enough to know if in your head you have such a low self-esteem as you convey here. If you don't, then this is only denial and all I want to tell you is: "So, even if you're the ugliest and most boring guy on earth (and I'm sure you aren't), your friend truly likes you. In such a case, you'd have extra incentives to give him a chance. The taste in men is something 100 % subjective, so don't assume there's anything wrong with him." If you do have self-esteem issues (in addition to the denial thing), you should proceed with more caution and try to work on that. According to my recent experience, low self-esteem leads to difficulty in identifying toxic behaviour in relationships and in breaking them up when it's due time.
I do want to do something I enjoy at least a little bit. I know I might never love my job, whatever it ends up being, but I don't want to wake up feeling miserable every morning because I have to get up and go to work. I guess I do get bored with too much free time, but I also don't want to feel like I'm going to spend most of the rest of my life working at a job I don't really enjoy just so that I can survive. I don't want to feel like my only purpose in life is to work. I definitely have self esteem/self confidence issues. I guess that is really what makes me wonder why he might be interested. Even though it confuses me, I am intrigued by the idea. I do think I want to try it out. He's said that he thinks we'd make a good couple and I think I agree. I just think it's super weird that I can have sex with him and enjoy it, but find it so awkward and uncomfortable just to talk about how I feel or what we've done and what it could be like if we were a couple. I know that I need to work on myself first, but I also don't want to lose my chance with him.
Given how you view working, there are two approaches to that. One would be to find a perfect job (which is hard or nearly impossible) and the other one would be to go for something that you can tolerate (as opposed to love) and gives you lots of free time. I know some people that are very happy with the second option. To an extent, insatisfaction is also a matter of our attitude, which fortunately is something we can work on. Coming to terms with who we are and what we want is always hard and feels "weird." That's the struggle of everyone on EC. Nothing worthy is easy! I understand the dilemma, and I'm not in a position to give excellent advice. I guess you could try and make the relationship work while being aware of your issues and trying to work on them. But maybe anyone more mature can offer you a better recommendation. Another factor is that, no matter what you do, you have this friendship that is very valuable for you and that constitutes (almost) all your current social life. Now that it's mixed with feelings and sex, there's a risk of it going wrong somehow at some point of the future, regardless of whether you make a move or not. So it'd be sensible to work on having other friends there for you, which is also a good idea even if things go well with this (boy)friend of yours.
I know I have some work to do. I need to find a way to work up the courage to discuss it with my friend. So far the only thing that has even been mentioned between us was him saying that he thinks we would make a good couple. We had fooled around a few times before he mentioned that, but the sex didn't happen until after he said that. I worry about making friends. The only way I've ever made friends is through school. Now that I've graduated I don't really know how to make new friends. I guess I could talk to the people at work, but to be honest, I'm not really interested. I don't really feel like I fit in with them. I just don't know if we'd really get along. Anyways, thanks for taking the time to reply!
I never really made friends at work.There were people who I got along with and even occasionally met together after work but very rarely. Also, only one of the people that I consider friends did I meet at school. Most of the friends that I have are due to meeting them during common interest things. I volunteer, I play roleplaying games, I meet with LGBT people just to socialize - I met people who I now deem as friends through each of these things. I did not go into them specifically because I was trying to meet friends through it but just because they were things that I enjoy. I met my current boyfriend because we both like table top roleplaying games, we started hanging out after my marriage split up and things just developed.
Well, with the virus pretty much everything has stopped. I last February I had met with some others and we were going to start planning for Pride but that has been cancelled now for two years. Right now I only games every other week online and I meet up with my boyfriend at least once a week. The other things will restart eventually.
Oh, nice, so I understand that you meet them through an LGBT association or something(?) and then the other plans come once you folks hit it off. Good for you!
I guess I still have a few people from high school I would consider friends even though we seem to have drifted apart since then, other than my friend that I always mention. I guess I would also consider my housemates in college my friends, but I haven't really seen any of them for like a year now. Like I said, I don't think I'm really interested in any type of friendship with anyone from work. I don't even really know what I like to do for fun anymore. I tend to just sit around and play videogames or waste time on YouTube when I'm not at work. I wish I could blame this on the pandemic, but even a year or two before then I had become a bit of a hermit. I almost never left home to socialize and tended to hang out with my roommates and one or two people I knew from the dorms that I considered my friend. Even if I had things I wanted to do I don't think I'd go out and do them. I also don't really want to get involved with the LGBT community because I'm not ready for people I know in person to know something like this about me, I also sort of feel like I don't really fit in. I don't really enjoy socializing with people I don't know. I never know what to say and it always makes me feel super awkward because I'm not very good at carrying on a conversation. I went to about 2 or 3 parties my entire time at college and I felt awkward as hell the whole time I was there. It's all very worrying to me because it just makes me feel like I may never have a very genuine friendship again. It just feels like I'm not really capable of developing that kind of relationship with anyone again. Even when I have in the past I feel like the other people did most of the work. Only after they introduced themselves and started talking to me did I feel more comfortable coming out of my shell a little bit.
I have found that it does take effort to make friends, it is not really something that I am that comfortable with. In order to do so I have to push out of my comfort zone. The alternative is to spend the rest of my life never speaking to anyone other than workers in checkstands etc and staring at the same four walls. Being locked up alone in my own place lonely and miserable is something that I have done multiple times in my life. I have found it to be worth it to work at finding people to connect with. As far as avoiding LGBT groups or people, you can always start by just introducing yourself as an ally. One of the friends that I got closer to from 2018 on is a woman who occasionally came to coffee with the lesbian group that I was a part of, she is straight and just an ally. In other cases people who came started as allies but eventually came out themselves in the group. As far as not knowing what you like to do for fun, start exploring new things. If after trying it you decide it is not for you then stop. Eventually you will find something that you like. I have taken classes at community college just because I wanted to learn something with no degree or job as an end goal. I have tried different crafts and other sorts of things. You do not have to try any of these specific things but just start trying new things.
I am also shy and a hermit, and I have trouble with meeting new people. I second the idea of finding a group around something that interests you, or taking a class or joining a social group. You don't have to go often if you don't want- it's more about just getting used to meeting new people. And when you do make a friend, it doesn't have to be a best friend or anything. It could even be a casual aquaintance that you see occasionally to go for a walk or go for coffee with. If you like playing video games, you can try and find some other people to play group games with online. I've recently made a new friend, but we're mostly just IM' and texting each other- we haven't met in person in over a year (Covid has played a huge part in that tho) And please be kind and supportive of yourself! I used to beat myself up about everything, but now I'm just trying to accept who I am, and act as my own best friend. So I tell myself "it's ok" and "take your time" and I congratulate myself when I do step out of my comfort zone.
I guess I know it will take effort, I just don't really want to put in the effort. I just feel awkward around people I don't know well. Even if I managed to go out somewhere to try and meet people, I don't think I could force myself to actually talk, or interact with new people. At this point, I don't really know what to do other than sit in my own room wasting my time and feeling miserable. I'm really not ready for anyone to know I'm dealing with this, even if they are part of the LGBT community themselves. The only person I'd even consider telling already knows, butI even have trouble going into more detail with him. Even though the people I'd tell wouldn't care, I just don't want to tell anyone, it seems too suspicious and personal for me to let anyone know, even if I know they would be supportive. Even just being an ally seems to suspicious any worrying to me.
Then you just have to accept that you have made the choice and live with it. Things will not just get better by themselves.
Thank you. It might just sound like I'm making excuses. I wish I could find a group like that. I probably could, but even if I do I don't know if I could force myself into actually going or interacting with others if I do manage to get out there. Even if I did I'd probably just feel like and awkward mess the whole time (that's usually how things seem to go for me) I do have a group of some people that I sometimes play games with, but it's only ever over the internet. Being kind to myself is also something I'm bad at. I don't feel like I deserve to be supportive of myself because I don't feel like I deserve it. Sorry if these responses are getting a little incoherent. I've had a little bit to drink and I'm tired because it's getting pretty late here so I think stop here. Thank you!
