Hey everyone, I’m going to post a little back story on here because it’s been a while since my last post. I’m 29 years old and still living at home with my parents and my 26-year-old sister. I came out to them when I was 18, but they did not take it well. However, I think my mother and sister have come around. My mom said she just wants me to be happy. I also have two aunts that I’m close to. I’m out to one of them (She wasn’t initially accepting but may have changed somewhat since then. I’m not totally for sure.) I’m not out to my other aunt, and I don’t know how to come out to her. I don’t feel comfortable doing so. At least not right now. I haven’t dated or had sex, but the latter is primarily due to lack of a sex-drive since I was 22 due to antidepressants. I’ve been struggling with depression ever since then. It’s clearly getting in the way of my life, my relationships, my ability to hold down a job, and my education. I have thought about trying to get a job as a leasing consultant, which was brought up as a possible job opportunity from a social worker based on some of my answers to her questions. I have been nervous and anxious about trying to do anything right now to improve my life. I just feel at a loss as to what to do to get better. All I really want to do is lay in bed. I feel so embarrassed and frustrated about my current place in life. I fear that my inability to be comfortable with being openly gay is going to ruin my life forever. I fear that I’ll be doomed to a sad, frustrating, and depressing life. Sometimes I wonder if I should just move somewhere far away, but that feels like a big hurdle right now. The last time I saw my therapist was a little over a year ago, mainly due to covid and money issues. I may schedule an appointment to go see him and try to come out to him. I just feel so lost and depressed that I’m seeking advice on how to get out of this rut. I fear that if I do nothing right now, I’ll never get to a better place in life. Sorry if it seemed like I was rambling. I’ve just bottled up a lot of my feelings that I needed to let it all out. Feel free to ask questions if I wasn’t clear about anything. Any advice would be much appreciated!
It seems to me that you have two separate but possibly related issues. Those are clinical depression and living a closeted life. Just so you know, I am someone who has had to deal with life long depression from Bipolar Type II. I think that you need to deal with both issues in order to make any progress. You mention wanting to try to come out to your therapist. Not being open with your issues to your therapist could be a big part of why you have not made progress. A therapist cannot help you with issues that they do not know you have. Therapists are supposed to be non-judgemental, if anyone is safe to come out to it should be your therapist (if the therapist has issues with it then you need a new therapist). I think that opening up fully in therapy would be a very good first step here. Second, you have been on antidepressants for about 7 years and you are still struggling very much with the depression. This should probably be brought up with your psychiatrist (if you are not seeing a psychiatrist and only your GP is prescribing them then you really should see a psychiatrist for more help). There are a lot of different medications for depression in several different classes. It can often take trying a lot of different ones in different doses in order to see improvement. Maybe a dosage adjustment or a different medication would help you here. (medications never helped my depression or other psych issues, I have had to learn to deal with my issues sans medications).
Old Soul.....I have to agree with a lot of what @QuietPeace said. Primarily you need to see a therapist as soon as possible. Medications can help depression a great deal, but there are many different meds and it does take time to find the right dosage (been there done that ). If you have been on meds for 7 years and have seen no improvement, then for sure you need a change in your meds! You need to talk to your therapist about your sexuality. Learning to accept yourself...learning to accept your sexuality...will help a lot with getting rid of your depression! If you can't bring yourself to do that, then you may possibly need a different therapist. Feeling like you just want to stay in bed is a real sign of depression...no matter how difficult it seems, you need to drag yourself out of bed and see a therapist as soon as possible. It takes action to make change...I know this very well. I also take anti-depressants, at first it was really tough. I have had 22 surgeries in my life, 16 of those since 2000. There has been a lot of pain and at first all I wanted to do was stay in bed and take pain pills. I had to drag myself up and out of bed, see the therapist and start the anti-depression meds and hold on until they finally started to have a decent effect. When you have a lot of pain you can also have a lot of depression and that's right where I was. With the help of my therapist, meds and Empty Closets, I lead a pretty much normal life. The point here is that you can too. We're given this one life and you have a long time yet to live, meet the love of your life, have children, find a wonderful job that you love and so much more. It can happen, and it starts with you getting up, making the appointment to see the therapist and taking the first steps on the road to the rest of your life! All of this is not BS...it's true and it's there for you! Let us here on EC help you. Keep us updated on how things are working are for you. Remember, you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! .....David
QuietPeace and quebec, Thank you for your responses. I did have an appointment over the phone with a counselor on Tuesday. The therapist I was seeing last year moved to a university dept. of psychiatry so I could no longer see him. I haven't come out to the new counselor yet. I'm trying to get my sleeping schedule back on track. I still feel a little bit nervous. My mind is my own worst enemy. It keeps telling me that I'll never get to live an authentic life and be happy. I fear that I'll never be able to hold down a job or live on my own. I just feel so emotionally exhausted from all of these worries.
Do so at the earliest opportunity. I share important things right off. A therapist is safe to come out to, they are not allowed to talk to anyone about what you say (other than credible threat to self or others). I know exactly what this is like. Mindfulness training has helped me.
Good advice above! Try not to let absolutes ("I'll never...") overtake your thinking because no one can predict the future. You're not too late; many LGBT+ people had to wait decades before they felt comfortable to come out. You could start with a part-time job to get experience before going full-time, and a full-time job will help you get prepared for more independence. I agree that depression and coming out are different but related. I believe depression is strongly influenced by environment, especially the people you interact with daily. Coming out is often a continual process, so it can help to just come out to more people. Even just talking in these forums can be a good outlet.
