Ok, so I came out to my (bi male) partner as a lesbian, and he’s supportive, but naturally biased and still wants to make us work any way possible. And honestly I love him dearly and don’t want to lose him unless absolutely necessary... and have been heartbroken because I felt like that is the case. But what if I just have a fluid sexuality, and I might decide or realize that I’m bisexual (again, or for the first time) months or years down the line? We’ve been together for 5 years and live together. We’d be married if we believed in that sort of thing. We’ve had a super loving and healthy relationship all this time. Isn’t it worth doing whatever it takes to keep that? Does my knowledge that I’m not sexually attracted to men (and don’t know if or when I ever might be) mean we have to break up to be healthy? It seems like it can’t be healthy to just not have sex or other romantic intimacy indefinitely (at least when neither of us are asexual). I don’t want to go back into the dating pool and have bad sex and heartbreak.... and granted if/when we break up I’d gladly stay single for the first time in my life just taking care of ME. I think I might just be afraid of “losing something special” and so I’m wondering if this is a permanent orientation that I’ve realized, or might just be a temporary thing that with patience we can work through? Right now my perspective on all my hetero relationships were unhealthy and not based on my attraction to them.... but we all gain clarity with time so I could be wrong, right?
I think that a relationship can be perfectly healthy without sex. I have been in three different relationships where my partner and I did not have sex, the only one that I see as having been unhealthy was due to their abusing me rather than because of no sex. Though in all three of those there was cuddling and physical intimacy and it seems that for now that is not in the cards for your current relationship. This could be entirely possible, just because you decide to try it with women does not mean that you will find a caring person or someone who you are sexually compatible with. Unfortunately life has no guarantees. I hope that you can find some clarity on this and are able to either have this be a healthy supportive relationship or that you can move on and find one. Sadly no one has a real working crystal ball which can tell you the right direction to move. One thing that I have been doing over the past couple of years is not moving too fast. I take time to consider, though this may mean me staying in situations longer than I should. Are you certain that you need to be monogamous?
Hi @QuietPeace, I'm sorry I forgot to respond to your thoughtful reply. I have considered non-monogamy, but neither of us were interested in that for this situation. I just need to be single, but my coming out is part of that, too. I've had an open relationship before (in fact, that's how we met - I was in one at the time, and he was in an unhappy marriage), and while I had considered myself poly at the time, for me it was more of an issue of dishonesty with who I was (I didn't want to sleep with my boyfriend, so I was fine with him sleeping with other people, and of course I've always had attractions to other women, but I was still operating under the belief that my kids needed a father figure, and I needed to provide sex to get and keep one). I always say "I could be wrong", and I often am as we always learn more over time, but right now I feel more clear than I ever have been. Thankfully my partner (we prefer the term "bedfellow" actually) has seen the close friendship my mother has with my gay stepdad and his husband, and he'd like to stay involved in our lives in a similar way (after a cooling off period of course). Of course I would understand if that changes over time, but I've seen him stay friends (and JUST friends) with exes before, so I have some realistic hope that we'll be ok with time.
I am having the exact same thought process. Also told my husband (we have been together for 12 years and have 2 children together) that I am gay. But how can I be certain that's a permanent thing? What if I'm throwing away a perfect relationship for nothing? Beyond the bedroom our life is perfect. We are so compatible in so many ways and care for each other a lot. We have tried non-manogomy but it isn't for me. He has since realised he is poly and probably bi, but I'm a one person kinda girl. We can't be together because I'm not attracted to him sexually but that just feels so unfair because its not what either of us want. I suppose there isn't a choice really in my view. We all have to be who we are, even if it is fluid xx
Yes! These questions most rattle my brain when I'm feeling the grief of the loss of this relationship. I know it's normal to have that pain, but in the middle of it it's all I can feel, and my mind reels with those doubts. What if we just need to "rekindle our sex life"? What if it's just a fluid thing and I'll decide I want to be with men again down the road and won't ever find a great one that fits so well with me like he does? ...and then eventually the emotional wave passes, and I still feel the sadness of the loss, but without the mind clattering, and I know that I'm just a lesbian and that I would be abandoning myself and/or living a lie if I tried to "make it work". Mentally I can imagine him naked and imagine us having sex (and don't *think* I'd totally hate it)... but as soon as his arm gets even unintentionally too close to a knee or my ribcage, I clench up and block and realize, yeah...I'm definitely gay. I so completely relate. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking. I'm so proud of both of us for being honest with ourselves and our partners though, and no longer ignoring our own feelings to keep others happy! Yes exactly! A mentor of mine recently told me, "we have to live in today's clarity. Tomorrow's clarity may teach us something new, and we can adjust as needed if that happens, but in today's clarity, this is what is true". We're just doing our best with what we have in this moment -- no one can ask for more than that. ❤️
