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New and way out of my depth ! Please give a read

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Proshacanv, Mar 15, 2021.

  1. Proshacanv

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    Hi all I’m new but I’ll try keep this short because I don’t know whether I’m doing this in the right spot or not

    I believe I am so very deep in the closet . From a very young age I always admired female looks over male looks , I can literally remember from a very early age .

    I had a wild childhood that can only be describe as traumatic and I won’t delve into that here . But it messes me up . my parents were both absent and I was essentially raised by an older sibling .

    Forward to college , a male began to show interest in me . I loved it , it was nice after 20 years of being deserted and alone to have attention . I never once felt out of my mind attracted to the guy . But I didn’t know what was normal , and just assumed I would grow into the role of doting girlfriend . We eventually married , and have two children . Every day of it was a farce but at the time I truly did believe I would develop that love and “I can’t live without this man “ feeling .
    the marriage was rotten , we both just went through the motions and the happy times were far and few . I was two kids keep in at the point and couldn’t bare to admit how much I was miserable , after all I agreed to marry etc .
    sex life - won’t go there . But it sucked .

    Not only do I feel miserable for myself but I feel like I robbed the man of his adulthood too . So when he left me for another woman almost overnight after 12 years , it was unsurprising and I felt like I couldn’t be upset by this as I probably deserved it . Mind you , he still to this day hasn’t been told (no one has) but I suspect he suspects something .

    things were rocky for a while working out what to do with children but we now coparent really well .

    I sit here because even though I am finally free of the marriage that made me miserable , but I can’t make peace with coming out . I have no problems with who I am or what it means , for some reason I just feel so guilty to admit it . I’ve never even been with a woman ! But I just know it my heart of hearts that it was the reason for the crappy marriage . I’m 32 years old , I don’t even know what to feel . I feel silly that I even let it go this long without telling anyone .

    I am depressed and believe this secret it was continually cripples my life daily . I’d love someone to talk to
     
  2. HM03

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    Hi, and welcome to EC!

    It does sound, like you said, a miserable situation. There is the "Later in Life" subforum (more focussed on things like coming out to kids/spouses/marriages etc) , which you might find helpful to browse/post for advice! Of course you can look/post wherever fits :slight_smile: There are tons of users that are in or have been in similar situations, if thats of any comfort aha
     
    #2 HM03, Mar 15, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2021
  3. eccentric2

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    Hi @Proshacanv and welcome!
    I'm also new in here... and as I've read your post... I felt I was you...
    I feel the same way as you are...
    Ive been married with 2 kids.. but there is still a missing a part of me...
    There is something I want..
    I never have a relationship with a woman too, but still want one.
    I'm still in the process of looking for myself..
    I'm still finding what I really want.
    Just like you, I hope we find the answers here in EC.
     
  4. Lesbee

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    @Proshacanv & @eccentric2 - I completely relate though my story is a little different.

    I have three kids and just recently came out to them (and my partner) as a lesbian. It took me 40 years - I thought I was bi that whole time. I had gotten to have some flings with women, but was mostly in the closet to everyone who knew me until just a few years ago (when I told them I was bi). I felt like coming out as bi didn't matter to them as much since I was still in a hetero relationship...but recently came here because I realized I never found men attractive or saw them as more than friends - I was just doing what society told me I'm supposed to do. (I also have trauma in my past, and see that my behavior was a response to some of that as well.)

    I hope you'll check out that Later In Life forum, or search the site for some topic keywords to find other posts that might help. We're here for you and you are definitely not alone!
     
  5. Suitsme

    Suitsme Guest

    I was 38 and married to a guy when I came out. I have a son. A lot will relate to you. You’re definitely not alone.
     
  6. eccentric2

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    Finally! I'm relieved... knowing I'm not alone. At this age, I thought there was something wrong in me but as I read threads its only natural to feel this way... thanks a lot!
     
  7. SkipNY

    SkipNY Guest

    Welcome. I am fairly new here, married to a woman and almost (except for a few friends) completely closeted. I relate to your situation and just want to say -- as a wise old man over 60 -- that, at 32, you really do have your whole life ahead of you. Take your time. Discover yourself and be happy with what you discover. A relationship will come and, when you're ready, you will be able to share the happiness that brings with those who deserve to know. It's your life. Don't worry about anyone else right now (except your kids, of course). Best of luck and enjoy your time here.
     
  8. quebec

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    Proshacanv.....Hello and a great big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: There are a number of sub-forums here on EC...why don't you check them out and then feel free to join in the conversations! We will do our best to be a support and a place to vent when you need it! We are so glad that you have found us here on EC!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag: