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Coming out whilst in a long term relationship

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Kate1901, Mar 3, 2021.

  1. Kate1901

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    Hi,
    I’ve pretty recently come out (Bisexual) to a very small circle of friends, including my boyfriend- who has been great about it. But it’s all very new, my pretty conservative family doesn’t know and won’t for a while but I’m not worried about that yet. I just want to understand it myself more. I think in a world where you grow up and everything around you tells you you’re straight it can be really difficult to come to terms with/ understand. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a couple of years, and it’s a super healthy, loving relationship and it’s great. But having come out some time into a very committed relationship it sits quite heavily on me that I haven’t had a chance to be with a girl. He’s very kindly said that if I feel that getting with a girl is something I need to do then he would understand and be completely on board but for me, even with permission it’d still be cheating on him. But even with that I’m trying to run before I can walk, I expected that finally telling a few close friends would be my magical solution to accepting my sexuality. Though it was a step in the right direction for me, my sexuality still sits very heavy on me and I struggle to explain it, i still always feel like I’m hiding a huge part of who I am, and feel very cagey talking about it, but I feel like there’s not much to talk about. I just feel like there’s a million things I need to get off my chest but I don’t know what I need to say if that makes sense. I don’t know if you have any advice my boyfriend thinks I need to “embrace my inner gay” as he put it and express myself more and be more involved with the community, and I fully agree it’s just where do I start?
     
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  2. Kate1901

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    Also any advice on what to do about exploring my sexuality more but remaining faithful to my boyfriend is really appreciated! I love him and he's so important to me, but I also feel like I need some room to explore who I am, it's not like he isn't offering me that space, I just don't know how I feel about it/ how to go about it.
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC.

    I disagree that it is cheating if you have permission. Cheating is going outside of an agreed relationship.

    As far as getting involved with a community, probably all that you can do is talk to people online with the current situation. If the world ever returns to people meeting in real life again you could try finding a local group to meet with.

    The same is true of exploring sexually. With the virus it is probably a bad idea to try anything with someone who you do not know very well. Once you have found a local community you could try getting to know some other women and see if you connect. Then take it from there.
     
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  4. Kate1901

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    Thank you! Yeah this is all speculation for when life hopefully returns to normal, I have no intentions of taking risks Covid wise. I'm just worried that I'm going to create problems in the relationship, however I know it would more so be on my side (feeling guilty etc.), we spoke about if I got with someone and he did as well so I didn't feel bad, but he said he wouldn't want to as he's a heterosexual male and he feels it would just be for the sake of it. As much as I feel that I'd be okay with it now, I can't guarantee I would be after. Which would be completely unfair on him.
     
  5. SkipNY

    SkipNY Guest

    I agree with Quiet Peace. If your boyfriend is supportive and -- it sounds -- encouraging, you should take that opportunity. Let him know what is going on and when; make sure he is actually on board. But if he is, it just shows how much he cares for you and wants you to be happy by being the complete person you are. Good for him! And for you, too -- be careful, be safe and enjoy the journey.
     
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  6. Kate1901

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    Thank you!
     
  7. K80outloud

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    I’m in a similar exploration conundrum too. I decided last summer to finally step out of the closet all the way after coming out to my husband as bi six years ago. We’re divorcing but can’t afford to live separately yet, and by the way, there’s this pandemic thing! I’m choosing to honor our vows too... he’s also not willing to have an open relationship. That’s us though.

    I started watching streaming shows and movies with strong lesbian positive themes. Watched quite a bit of offensive junk too, but when I found the good stuff, it was one aha! after another. (I now identify as gay, but that’s a longer story.) I consciously noticed that I exclusively focus on women when watching love scenes (romance, kissing, or sex). In gay/lesbian shows, I relax and feel calm. Watching hetero shows, I feel just a slight bit on edge. I also reached out to a friend IRL who was in my position seven years ago and is now married to a woman. She confirmed a ton of what I was feeling. When we chat, there’s so much identification between us that neither of us has to explain background feelings/thoughts.

    EC has been a life saver! People here are wonderful and supportive. Maybe share the thoughts you’re having and see how others respond? It could be a validating experience one way or another. Glad to have you here!
     
  8. SkipNY

    SkipNY Guest

    Couldn't agree more with your comment about this site. I am not out to my wife yet but and -- while life is generally very good -- I sometimes get frustrated and lonely. Empty Closets has given me an outlet and an understanding and relateable community.
     
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  9. Kate1901

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    Ah thank you so much for your help! Wow that's amazing that you came out and it sounds like your friend is a great support! Do you have any good recommendations for shows?
     
  10. K80outloud

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    I have the ones I like but don't know if guidelines allow us to post names. I don't see people posting actual names of brands/shows. If you search LGBTQ on any of the major streaming services, shows and movies will come up.
     
  11. Really

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    TV shows and movies are ok. It’s dating sites that aren’t. :]
    There will be a bunch mentioned in the Entertainment sub forum but you can also mention them here.
     
  12. Lesbee

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    @Kate1901 I came here to say just what @K80outloud said! I too relate (I’m in a long term relationship and am trying to find the right changes to make to support my sexuality - I’ve been out as bi and my BF is supportive, though like @K80outloud I’ve been thinking I may actually be a lesbian, so things are changing over here.)

    I also have found it helpful to immerse myself in LGBTQ+ entertainment - although I’m not normally into dramas, I started watching The L Word (late to the game, I know) and I appreciate the variety of representation. Before that though I’ve always followed LGBTQ+ social media people (mostly for memes) but both have helped me see what resonates with me.

    Like others have said, with permission it’s not technically cheating, but I know for me personally I too would struggle as physical and emotional often go hand in hand, and you might bite off more than you planned to chew. I’m so glad you have a supportive partner. I would encourage you, whatever you do to experiment, to stay grounded and present in your body, and listen to what it tells you, no matter what. We’re here for you! :heart:
     
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