I was on here a year ago and the advice was to try to have a same sex experience. This was to understand what my gay fantasies meant. So I tried it and it was alright, I thought to myself it felt like a more educational experience. I have no hunger to repeat it. The thing is I still have gay fantasies, watch gay porn and enjoy it still. I have straight fantasies a lot aswell. Have slept with upwards of 30+ women. The gay fantasies are more prominent when I haven't slept with any girl of late and fancy a different excitement from heterosexual porn. When In a heterosexual relationship, the gay stuff disappear and my urges for women go into overdrive. I am just trying to understand it really, before I get a girlfriend and possibly settle down. I don't want to wake up in 10years and think I am gay but should have been with a man. Any thoughts welcome and thanks for looking.
Sounds like you’re open minded and straight to me , possibly with a higher sex drive thus more must for exploration ... I’m No expert I’m trying to figure it out myself
Being gay, or straight or bi, is about attraction, not behavior. Plenty of gay men have successfully engaged in sex with women, but are nonetheless gay, because it's really about attraction. So, I don't necessarily think your "test" is conclusive of anything, especially when you still find yourself engaging in homosexual fantasies. In addition, the use of porn is also less instructive than what non-porn masturbatory fantasies can reveal. I also think there's lots of variables to consider about testing yourself by having sex with a guy - you said it was "alright" and you don't have a desire to repeat it. Variables, such as that particular guy, or how you were feeling that day, or if that was your first homosexual experience, or any number of other variables, could be coloring your feelings about gay sex in general. While I'm not suggesting that you need to go have more experiences with men, I'm just cautioning you on reaching a conclusion with only a single experience. There is every possibility of you being somewhere on the rainbow spectrum. Not necessarily gay, but not straight either. I do think it's rather amazing that you are open-minded enough to explore these things.
So it is all about attraction and not really about behaviour. It doesn't really matter how much testing I do. It isn't going to change anything. If I am honest the intensity of orgasm with gay porn has been the stronger but when I use my own fantasies about women orgasm intensity is stronger. My attraction default is with women, I am just drawn to them. I do think I am quite open Minded, like I think I have these fantasies. Why not explore them. I always thought in places like ancient Greece etc it was common place. I have gay fantasies and feel like dont have a place to fit. I don't feel the kinsey scale fits me. The word that fits for me is that I have a kink in my sexuality.
I have heard people who are very close to "straight" but open to other experiences using the label heteroflexible, default to opposite sex but not entirely closed off to same sex experiences. Also bisexual with a marked preference for opposite sex could work.
The label heteroflexible does fit. Although, I am a little sceptical using what I consider modern terms. Bisexual with a marked preference for the opposite sex feels more established. If I am making any sense hehe.
I do understand what you are saying. The thing is that both language and knowledge are constantly changing and growing. I knew someone in the 80s who would now be able to use the label bigender, back then they were simply dismissed as not knowing what they were doing. Just because the word is new does not mean that people like that never existed before, it is more that with people like myself and others fighting against patriarchal and heteronormative forces we are now able to openly discuss things not just as they are but as they always have been (though yes, shoved back in the closet).
I I like that, so my impression there is if you explore and think about who you are. You find and feel a label fits you. Then it is valid even if that isn't yet established. Thank you for comment. It is very helpful to me.
What you are describing here really isn't uncommon, I just think you are being very honest about what's going on. The majority of people just hold these feelings quietly within, recognising their curiosity but never speaking about it. Maybe you've needed to speak about it because you have a higher level of curiosity than most - and that's fine. The main thing is to acknowledge that this curiosity exists and to avoid suppressing it or pigeon holing yourself as a gold star straight guy, when you are fully aware that it's not true or accurate. It's really up to you how you label yourself. Sometimes it's easier to define what you are not and then take it from there. Ruling things out allows us to focus more on what is, or might be real for us.
Yeah you're right, I have been trying to pigeon hole myself. The curiosity pops up and then it goes. When it goes, i pigeon hole myself into thinking I am gold star straight again. I just endlessly repeat the same cycle because I keep pigeon holing myself each time. Excellent advice thank you very much.
I don't think there's really anything I can add that hasn't already been stated: just merely that attraction>actions and that there's nothing wrong with not wanting a label/knowing what label fits you. The experience you had might have only been "alright" because of the partner you had (or the fact that it was a first time). Or it could just be the standard for you--but there's no way of actually knowing unless you experience it again (or more importantly, if you experience an actual attraction to another guy). Whether you're heteroflexible or otherwise, I wouldn't stress about it too much. Well, I might--but you probably shouldn't. There's nothing wrong with just letting yourself live in the moment, and I'm sure if/when the day comes that you settle down with someone, you'll be fine.
Hi. I tell most friends that I'm bisexual, because that's the category that comes closest to describing my desires and my life choices. I desire men and women in different ways. My strongest desires are for a certain type of man, although it's the same type of men I desire to be. Doesn't make things easy. Meanwhile, I am attracted to a much wider range of women, and I'm married to a women I love. I fantasize about both. What determines my fantasies isn't gender--it's my kinks. My way of dealing with it is to embrace it. It's who I am, and I like to celebrate who I am. Find nice, trustworthy people as friends or partners and give yourself permission to be conflicted/ambiguous/uncertain. I'd be happy to chat privately if you would like.
Honestly, I didn’t expect the content I found in this thread from the title. But that’s exactly why I always come back here to this forum. Reading these thoughts and experiences of people who might be going through similar situations, thinking out loud, questioning and sharing. Having this kind of community even though it’s online and virtual gives a person a kind of supportive environment or platform that he might or might not have in the real world where he lives. I mean the last last paragraph of @Embarassed is just very inspiring. Thanks for that.