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How to come out to teen daughters?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by K80outloud, Feb 20, 2021.

  1. K80outloud

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    Dropping this in the coming out forum in hopes that people closer to my daughter's ages can weigh in...

    My girls are 18 and 14. I asked my husband for a divorce last October (came out to him six years ago) but have been waiting to tell them until my oldest's college admission interviews are over.

    It's no secret in our family that their dad and I don't get along well as a married couple... much better as friends. I've given up dressing like a girly girl, which I never really was anyway. They've made a few comments about me looking like a badass lesbian and how much they like it :slight_smile: so I'm pretty sure they know anyway. Just haven't asked out right.

    How do I tell them? How do I tell my very LGBTQ aware teen daughters about their mother's sexuality? Of course, I won't go to sex but still, they're old enough to understand that part of it. I guess I'm worried that they'll be really weirded out.

    My oldest's senior year has been trashed by the pandemic. Honestly, the year's been tough on both of them. Plus, I know once I come out to them, they'll quickly put together that a divorce is happening. They have four other friends whose mothers have divorced husbands to marry women. We split into two houses this summer and then she's off to college and the younger one is left between two houses? That feels like a lot to put on them!

    Any thoughts, support, or advice would be very welcome!! I plan on telling them in the next 2-3 weeks.
     
  2. Really

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    Hey there.

    I’m no expert in these things as I’m neither a teen nor have kids so take this with a grain of salt but I wondered whether the divorce news rather than the coming out news should get more attention. It doesn’t sound like your kids will be to bothered about your coming out. I’d guess that, in the big picture, it will most likely have less impact on them moving forward.

    As for the divorce, they’ll need to deal with their previous idea of what the family is and what it will be going forward. I’d guess they don’t having many, if any, feelings about your sex life that they’ll now have to readjust to in this new reality. Of course, you want to come out to them but that could be a topic for a secondary conversation.

    Just a thought. :}
    Good luck!
     
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  3. K80outloud

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    Thanks for your thoughts, Really.

    I don't think they'll be bothered by my orientation either. Their friend groups span the rainbow! I was thinking of coming out to them first because I think it'll be more celebratory for them. Every time one of their friends comes out, they are so happy to see someone living authentically.

    On the other hand, I see your point about focusing on what will have the biggest day-to-day impact on them. Honestly, even though it'll be a day-to-day change, our marriage hasn't been going well for a while. The older one started asking years ago why we haven't divorced yet. (ouch!) They won't be surprised, but it will be a big change. To my therapist's point, the change into two households could be viewed as positive because the emotions in our home would settle. Still, I appreciate your point about focusing on the emotional weight that affects their lives. You've given me a different perspective to consider. Thank you.
     
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  4. Really

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    Glad I could help even a little. :}

    Maybe once you’re living separately, you could have a housewarming/coming out party for the three of you. :blossom::blossom::blossom:
    upload_2021-2-21_19-49-14.jpeg
     
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  5. quebec

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    K80outloud.....I think you may be very surprised at how well your daughters take your coming out. Kids today know so much more than we did when I was a teenager (back in the stone-age :old_smile: ) I was a high school teacher for 41 years and I saw the change take place. Things that weren't even talked about when I started teaching in the 1970's became ordinary by the time I retired in 2014. Just make sure that your girls know how much you love them and I think the rest will be just fine!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  6. K80outloud

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    Thanks Really and David for your posts.... LOVE the cake!!!

    Been absent because I've been interviewing for jobs, which didn't work out. Back at square one. Sigh. My husband and I being able to divorce and live separately is dependent on my being employed full-time. That's not going to happen for a while now. I spent the weekend very down and feeling like I couldn't now come out to the girls since we won't have a game plan in place. A friend reminded me that my coming out and the divorce are in fact two issues, even if they're related.

    I can't stay in the closet in my house anymore. It's become painful especially since we'll all be living together for a while longer. David, you're so right that kids now have such a different perspective from when I was young. HELLO! I did raise them that way!

    I'm feeling more confident about coming out to them and letting the divorce be a separate issue for a later time. It might give them more time to adjust to life change too. We've been through a ton in our family (outside what I talk about here), and they're extremely emotionally mature for their ages (for good or bad). Same friend and my therapist said that them knowing what's going on with me, even top level, might bring some clarity for them... they know something's up but not what it is.

    Thanks so much for weighing in. It's such a relief to have solid support here. :heart:
     
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  7. Really

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    I’m s glad things seem to be working out. At least, in some areas. :}
    Good luck with the job hunt. I wrote a post ages ago with tips about job searching. If you’re interested, I could fish out the link.
     
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  8. K80outloud

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    Sure! I can use the help. This is the first time I’m interviewing in 25 years.... I’ve been working contract this whole time but no interviewing.
     
  9. Really

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    Ok! Here’s the link. :]
    I don’t have much advice about what to do in an interview but live helped a few people find jobs to apply for using this method so if you have any questions, let me know. Good luck!
     
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  10. Lesbee

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    @K80outloud, how are you doing at home this week? Have you talked to the girls yet?

    I’m planning to tell my kids tonight, though it might wait until next weekend just because I’m running out of time .....

    ... 15 minutes later ....

    ... I just had the urge to just get it over with immediately even though my partner is on a video call. I interrupted him briefly to see if he was ok with that and... I JUST TOLD MY KIDS!!!

    I’ll share the deets in another post but wow! It went great!
     
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  11. K80outloud

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    We told our girls yesterday about the divorce. The younger one immediately asked to leave and hasn’t wanted to talk about it. Haven’t officially come out to her yet, but she knows. Likely isn’t phased by my orientation.

    The older one (whose 18 and off to college), my husband, and I had a wonderful conversation. She’s upset about timing and effects on her sister (understandable) but sees why it happened this way. Is relieved about the divorce though. Could care less about my sexuality.

    She says they found a dating app on my computer a while back, which I honestly don’t remember downloading. I might’ve because someone mentioned to me they used them to make LGBTQ friends. I found EC though and went this route. Kids thought I was cheating on their dad and hadn’t told him about my orientation. They’ve been pretty mad and mean toward me lately. We cleared it up yesterday, and the older one was happy to hear dad’s known for six years. It did surprise her though. This complicated things, so I had to come out with my husband backing me up. I didn’t want it like this, but followed the advice of several IRL friends. It diffused the situation and misunderstanding quickly.

    They were the last ones I wanted to tell myself. Now, I’m feel like I can live openly (well, once the younger one wants to talk). Not much will change... I’m not a shout from the rooftops kind of person, but I don’t have to hide. That feels good.
     
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  12. K80outloud

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    I’m glad it went so well for you! It’s a load off, huh?
     
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  13. Lesbee

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    Yes!! I feel like I’ve been staring at a puzzle for 40 years and couldn’t tell what it was without the one missing piece... and then this piece fell in, and now EVERYTHING makes sense. I can finally just BE.
     
  14. Lemony

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    Very proud of you for your courage to tell your girls. Must of been really hard to tell them and about the divorce. I am very proud of you.:relaxed:
     
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  15. Lemony

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    THIS CAKE LOOKS SO GOOD
     
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