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Reconciling Sexual and Romantic

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by eron, Feb 25, 2021.

  1. eron

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    I'll keep this simple. Over the years, as I've become more comfortable and self-accepting of my sexuality, I developed a near-exclusive preference for sex with men. It's developed to the point that I won't achieve orgasm with a woman, they are never part of my sexual fantasies, and I no longer seek sex with a woman. The odd thing, however, is that I occasionally have vivid dreams about very intense romantic - not sexual - relations with a woman. Just curious to know how others have reconciled wanting same-sex sexual relations yet still hang on to a desire for opposite sex romance? Thanks in advance.
     
  2. Lesbee

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    Oof I would love to know this too! I'm in a romantic relationship with a man and after working on some trauma issues, found I am no longer at all interested in anything more than friendship level physical touch... but I still love him and the life we've built. I'm torn between thinking it's just a trauma-response and a natural ebb in the relationship, vs something deeper finally coming to the surface and I'm actually a lesbian.

    @old tacoma I feel like I read something that led me to think you might have some thoughts on this subject? We would love your wisdom if so!
     
  3. old tacoma

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    @Lesbee — I’m not so sure I can provide any wisdom, but I can share my own experience.

    @eron — Unfortunately I cannot write just now. I’m in the middle of a busy day here, but I will have time later.
     
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  4. Nickw

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    @eron

    I cannot really speak to your direct question since I am attracted to both men and women sexually and, I assume, romantically. Although, I have never been in a romantic relationship with a man. My best male friend and I do have an intimate relationship. Just not romance. I know I am capable of romantic feelings for a man if in the right circumstances.

    There is often a conversation on this forum that one can be romantically attracted to the opposite sex yet maintain only sexual attraction for the same sex. While it SEEMS like this could happen, based on our experiences, it really doesn't work that way. Sexual and romantic attractions are stimulated from the same portion of the brain. What you may be experiencing is simply the desire to be involved in a romantic relationship with a woman and misunderstand that you are, really, only capable of a deep friendship. Not that there is anything wrong with that. You can care just as deeply for a friend as you would for a lover. It just causes a different reaction in our brains.

    What complicates this is that we sometimes confuse this friendship for romance. And, what further complicates this is that sometimes we find someone sexually attractive yet understand that we couldn't be with THAT person romantically. That skews our thoughts into believing in this idea that we can compartmentalize our attractions into sexual and romantic attractions that are based on the sex of the person.

    Maybe you have not fully accepted your same sex attractions and you are bargaining with yourself that you are not really gay? Maybe what has been defined by society that you must be married to a woman is so engrained you cannot, yet, change that course?
     
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  5. old tacoma

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    @eron

    I think @Nickw has provided you with a thorough response to your inquiry.

    You might want to also research online the “difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction” and read some of the distinctions others make.

    As for me personally, romantic attraction is mental (manifested in my mind, cerebral). Sexual attraction is physical (manifested in my body, sensual). Ideally, these attractions would converge with the same person in a committed relationship. But that is sometimes not the case in reality.

    I notice that you have been an EC member for a few years now, and that you identify yourself as bisexual on your profile page. Do you still identify with that orientation in light of your post here today? There’s no need to answer me, I’m just posing the question for you to consider for yourself.
     
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  6. eron

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    Thanks to all, thus far, for your thoughtful replies to my post. @Nickw and @old tacoma raise some good questions for me to consider. I can tell you that I'm very comfortable with my sexuality and fully accept my same-sex attractions - although I am not out for various reasons not germane to this discussion. To date, I've identified as bisexual because of my long earlier history of opposite sex relationships, and perhaps I'm holding on to it as some sort of safety valve. Certainly food for thought, as @old tacoma said, in light of my post.