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Doubting Sexual Orientation

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by LilLady9, Feb 22, 2021.

  1. LilLady9

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    Although I have known I'm bisexual since middle school and recently came to fully accept and embrace it, I still struggle with doubt every once and awhile.

    If you doubt your sexual orientation from time to time (or are still in the questioning phase of your sexual orientation), what do you think the cause of the doubt is? In other words, why do you sometimes doubt your sexual orientation?

    As for me (a cisgender bisexual male), I think a large part of my doubt stems from my lack of physical attraction towards men. I always see a lot women and think, "wow, she is a absolutely beautiful and aesthetically pleasing (in a sexual way)." But, I rarely ever see a man and think, "wow, he is absolutely beautiful and aesthetically pleasing (in a sexual way as well). This lack of physical attraction towards men makes me wonder sometimes if I'm not actually bisexual and that I'm straight. However, I am emotionally and sexually attracted to men. I've been in love with a man before and really enjoyed our sexual experiences. But the doubt is still there. Also, if it wasn't for the one and only relationship I had with another man, I would probably still be in the questioning phase of my sexual orientation.
     
  2. jjusa

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    Hello! I am the queen of self-doubt so thank you for posting this.

    I am still in the questioning phase of my sexual orientation. This has been going on for 3 years now, which is insane in my view. I think a few things are causing me so much self-doubt: 1. I don't have any relationship or sexual history, 2. I am a fickle and indecisive person so I naturally change my mind every few minutes on everything.

    3. My doubt also comes from a lack of emotional and romantic connection towards women. I believe I only have physical/sexual attraction towards women, but even that makes me unhappy. I never see men and think of them sexually, but in my head I can only picture a romantic relationship with a man. This makes me wonder if I am actually heteromantic with just a sexual attraction towards women. Or if I am heteroflexible and I just have attachment issues with men due to being emotionally neglected by my father. Or maybe I am just aromantic asexual.

    I can relate to your experience with doubt even after going through the experience. I have only gone on dates with women but didn't come out of that with a clear idea of whether or not I am romantically attracted. I go back and forth about being in love with a woman that I knew. However, I get stressed out and anxious trying to create romantic fantasies about women in my head, which I don't think is what actual bi/lesbian women do. I ruminate over past experiences with other women to determine if I was romantically interested or not. It's more about my own behavior around other women and if that behavior can be applied to a relationship. I have really bad chemistry with women. I get extremely awkward and socially anxious around other women so I don't see that being applicable to a relationship. If I were really interested, I wouldn't be so anxious and worried. You're supposed to feel good when you romantically fantasize about or are around the gender(s) you're attracted to. I just get extreme social anxiety and run away.
     
    #2 jjusa, Feb 23, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2021
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  3. out2019

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    I used to have the same doubts and I used it to justify my denial for years.
    I started to realize a few things:
    • many gay men are attracted to women's fashion, women's beauty (think of all the gay women's clothes designers). A lot of guys dress like slobs. Also I realize I am turned off by straight/hetero/macho guys, or sloppy guys.
    • Women in general take more pains to look attractive and alluring. Women spend a lot more time 'looking good'. I realized this when I saw a ballet performance once and since the men's costumes were just as nice as the women's I found there were many more appealing guys... Women often show off their butts in leggings, and I realized I found it alluring it wasn't arousing I was 'curious' - wanting to touch, but I wasn't aroused.- when I saw a guy dressed the same way I was like WOW!!!!!
    • I am probably 80% gay - once in awhile a woman will really excite me but I don't at all have the intensity of feelings I do for men.

    I am not saying you are doing this but here is my personal experience:
     
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  4. Unsure77

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    I think I still have a slight nagging doubt just because I still haven't been in a real relationship yet (thanks Covid). So, I haven't faced the reality or seen how I would/will respond yet.
     
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  5. QuietPeace

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    My doubts were mostly around trying to find the right label and largely because of people being so nit-picky about picayune details. That combined with trauma which turned me off of a large population for a long time and by people very often pressuring to have or ridiculing me about not wanting to have profligate sex. As I have explained in a different thread I finally have settled on Demisexual Panromantic.
     
  6. LilLady9

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    When you were having these doubts and using them to justify your denial, did you think you were straight/identifying as straight? Although I'm having similar doubts, I'm fully aware and accepting that I'm attracted to men.
     
  7. Red Sun

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    Ever since I started to accept the fact that I like girls, all I have done is wonder whether I am lesbian or bisexual.
    I think what has caused the doubt is:

    1. Homophobia in the family: I am scared that coming out as a girl who likes girls will mean that my family will shun me. They are very much Christian and have made their views on homosexuality very clear. Bisexuality gives me a chance to fall in love with a man and keep my family. Deep inside, I know I do not get to choose, but at least I would have a chance.

    2. I have been questioning my crushes on men. Growing up, lots of my female friends had a lot of crushes and would constantly pester me to tell them who I had a crush on. I realise now that both of my high school crushes on males were actually suggestions from my friends. Maybe subconsciously, I was fascinated by the thought of having a crush that I tried to force something that was not there.

    3. Over my life, I have only had a relationship with a secret relationship with a girl and many crushes on so many other girls. Never have I had a relationship with a man, but I do see some men and say that "wow he is attractive". This makes me doubt if I am gay.

    4. I am scared of mislabelling myself. Usually, when I make decisions, I plan around them and rarely change my mind.

    It is a constant debate in my mind about where I fall but one thing I truly know for sure is that I like women.
     
  8. out2019

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    I told myself: Though I was attracted to men in mind but since I looked at women on the street I was really straight.
     
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  9. Nickw

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    @BiBoyToy

    Since you have been in a relationship with a man, I would say that is a pretty good indicator that you are NOT straight. Have you been in a relationship with a woman?

    As far as finding men less attractive than a woman. As others have mentioned, recognizing an attractive person of the opposite sex does not mean you are straight or even bisexual. As males, we are taught what we SHOULD find attractive. This is ingrained in our development. It is sometimes difficult to determine if our reaction to another person is because of what we truly desire or what we believe we should desire.

    Now, if you are a bisexual like me, you may find that your tastes are more discerning for men than for women. I don't know if this is because I am picky or if there is another reason such as "He's good looking enough that it is worth taking a risk to be with him". Or, maybe there is some combination of the two. In my case, I have a male FWB who is stunning (enough so almost every man and woman who encounters him will turn around and check him out). I find I cannot even fantasize about another man and I don't find any other men attractive. It's almost like I am gay for him only. When I was first with my wife, I felt the same. Nothing could divert my attention because I was so attracted to her.

    I have a very specific attraction spectrum for both men and women. You may have the same for just other men. You may be more critical of other men. You may be afraid to really be with another man...a little bit...so, you can fall back on "not good looking enough". You could be on the low end of the straight/gay spectrum. Or, it could be a combination of all of these things. I would suggest that you don't over think this and try and reach a definition of your sexuality. Maybe try and just live in the moment and be open to your desires without trying to label them?
     
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  10. Lesbee

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    I relate to all of your post @Terry K, but especially this part. I'm also questioning whether I'm bi or a lesbian, and relate so much to that feeling. I know it's so frustrating to most bisexuals to constantly wonder - sometimes they even wonder if they're straight - that doesn't happen to me, but I have wondered if I'm asexual at times - I just want the wondering to stop and to be settled with some kind of final "proof" of one way or another. I unfortunately don't think it's that simple. But for me, I'm paying attention to the fact that in all of my experiences with men it's been entirely a mental choice I made to pursue them rather than a response to an uncontrollable desire, which has not been the case with women.
     
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  11. LilLady9

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    Sorry, I should have been more specific. It wasn't a "relationship relationship," we weren't dating or anything (we didn't have a label). It was with my bestfriend when we were pretty young. We would pretty much just hook up whenever we hung out and it lasted a few years. We didn't have sex, but we experimented with holding hands, cuddling, kissing/making out, and oral sex. It was pretty much a FWB situation but we were bestfriends and were with each other all day everyday, growing up. However, I definitely did have super strong feelings for him. (This was my very first sexual relationship with a man or woman.)

    1.) "Since you have been in a relationship with a man, I would say that is a pretty good indicator that you are NOT straight."

    I agree. I'm definitely bisexual and very accepting of it. I'm not sure why I doubt myself sometimes. It's almost like I don't think I'm physically attracted to men enough to be bisexual.

    2.) "Have you been in a relationship with a woman?"

    Yes, I've dated a few girls and have also had a few one-night stands. I really enjoyed my sexual experiences with all of them and had strong feelings for the girls that I dated. I think I left out important information in the OP. I'm not only physically attracted to women. I'm also emotionally and sexually attracted to them as well.

    3.) "As far as finding men less attractive than a woman. As others have mentioned, recognizing an attractive person of the opposite sex does not mean you are straight or even bisexual. As males, we are taught what we SHOULD find attractive. This is ingrained in our development. It is sometimes difficult to determine if our reaction to another person is because of what we truly desire or what we believe we should desire."

    I definitely agree that this is true but I don't think it's the reason I'm not physically attracted to very many man. I guess I would change my OP. It's not that I don't find men physically attractive, it's just that I find far less men to be physically attractive than the amount of women I find physically attractive. I've definitely seen my fair share of men that I thought were absolutely beautiful and couldn't help but think to myself, "god, I wish I could sleep with him."

    4.) "Now, if you are a bisexual like me, you may find that your tastes are more discerning for men than for women. I don't know if this is because I am picky or if there is another reason such as "He's good looking enough that it is worth taking a risk to be with him". Or, maybe there is some combination of the two."

    I think this is very accurate. I'm probably just more picky and have higher standards when it comes to men and need to stop overthinking it.

    5.) "In my case, I have a male FWB who is stunning (enough so almost every man and woman who encounters him will turn around and check him out). I find I cannot even fantasize about another man and I don't find any other men attractive. It's almost like I am gay for him only. When I was first with my wife, I felt the same. Nothing could divert my attention because I was so attracted to her."

    I can relate to this very well. When my bestfriend and I were FWB, I didn't find other men or even women attractive. The same is also when I have dated girls. I didn't find other girls or even men attractive.

    6.) "I have a very specific attraction spectrum for both men and women. You may have the same for just other men. You may be more critical of other men."

    I think I also have a very specific attraction spectrum for both men and women and maybe just more so with men.

    7.) "You may be afraid to really be with another man...a little bit...so, you can fall back on "not good looking enough".

    Hmmm, perhaps, but I don't think so.

    8.) You could be on the low end of the straight/gay spectrum.

    I think this is correct and could possibly be part of my doubt. I remember thinking you had to be 50% straight and 50% gay to be bisexual. When in reality, that isn't the case. Maybe I'm just 70% straight and 30% gay (or something like that), making me bisexual.

    9.) I would suggest that you don't over think this and try and reach a definition of your sexuality. Maybe try and just live in the moment and be open to your desires without trying to label them?

    I agree but it's so hard for me haha! For whatever the reason, I feel a need to define my sexuality to a tee.
     
    #11 LilLady9, Feb 25, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2021
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  12. lamphead

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    Thanks for sharing this I feel the same way you and the original thread poster do.

    Do you mind me asking if you are out of the closet as gay? For me this has been a big issue because I want to come out of the closet as something but I am afraid of telling everyone I’m gay and then secretly finding some women attractive, even though In my sexual history I have enjoyed men more. It feels almost like being in the closet in reverse.
     
  13. LilLady9

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    I'm bisexual but I am out of the closet to a few family and a few friends. I do have plans to come out to everyone though.
     
  14. LilLady9

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    Hey @Nickw, I would love to hear your response.
     
    #14 LilLady9, Feb 28, 2021
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  15. Nickw

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    Hey @BiBoyToy

    So. You seem to be quite curious in how other bisexuals behave, relate to other people, and, even, trying to understand sexual attraction. These are all great things to discuss. But, I still wonder if in the background you still have some doubts about your sexuality and how that will affect how you live your life and how you are perceived. This is something we all go through and we each need to come to our own conclusion as to what our sexuality is and how that relates to our broader life.

    Again, I suggest that you continue to have an open mind about your sexuality. And, even though you are seeking to apply a definition, or a label, to your sexuality, you may find that your understanding of your sexuality will evolve over time and the label may change.

    Just my two cents...
     
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  16. LilLady9

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    Certainly. I'm definitely curious in other bisexuals. I've never known personally (in RL) a bisexual other than myself. I need to get out more! Haha.
    I wouldn't say I'm trying to understand sexual attraction, but how (physical) attraction ties into sexual attraction. Again, I'm physically, emotionally, and sexually attracted to women but only emotionally and romantically (not physically) attracted to men. (FYI: I've been around the block my friend).

    I don't think it has to do with how it will affect my life and how I'm perceived (I have a brother that came out as a transgender female and my parents and friends are very expecting, for the most part). However, yes, I certainly have doubts about my sexuality (do people not?). I'm either straight or bisexual. There is no doubt with regards to my overall attraction to women.

    It has definitely evolved overtime and the label has changed. I've gone between bisexual and straight for years.. It's actually somewhat tiring. Perhaps I'll come to the conclusion that I'm straight. In that case, I'm definitely an ally of the LGBTQ+ community. Much love!
     
    #16 LilLady9, Mar 6, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2021
  17. Nickw

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    BiBoyToy

    Straight people don't wonder if they are gay or bisexual(Unless they are OCD). If there is sexual attraction, physical attraction, romantic attraction to the same sex, one is not, entirely, straight. I understand that there is a spectrum and a bisexual can be a Kinsey 1 or a Kinsey 2 and not have a lot of attraction to many of the same sex.

    FWIW, I didn't believe that I could be bisexual because I could test myself with a woman. "See not gay" was what my brain said. So, I could also claim that bisexual was not true either. I thought of myself as "straight with a kink". That has evolved as I am more accepting of my same sex attractions and what that means. What I still find is that I am not attracted to feminine men. I would describe myself as someone who others would never guess, in a thousand years, that I have a thing for guys. I don't believe it to be because I am hiding my "gayness". I have explored being more feminine and act more like my gay friends. It just isn't me. Does that mean I'm any less attracted to the right guy than any gay man. Not at all. The right guy will drive me nuts. And, I, totally, respect and encourage anyone to express how they feel through their clothes, attractions and mannerisms. It's just not who I am.

    It sounds like you are taking a healthy approach to understanding your sexuality. That's great. But, be careful testing yourself or defining yourself. You may find the right guy, when he comes along, will take you by surprise.
     
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  18. LilLady9

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    Sorry, I think there is a bit of confusion. I'm not a cisgender male identifying as straight wondering if I'm gay or bisexual. I identify as bisexual, accept my bisexuality, and embrace it. I'm a cisgender bisexual male that sometimes wonders if I'm so low on the Kinsey scale that using the label bisexual is inauthentic. If that makes sense. (I don't have OCD).

    I'm definitely not 100% percent straight. Probably more like 80% straight, haha. I'm probably somewhere between a 1 and 2 on the Kinsey Scale. If I'm understanding incidentally homosexual correctly, then I would say I'm probably a 2 on the scale.


    Depending on what you mean by testing myself, I'm not sure it would even be necessary.


    I'm open to it XD.

    I really appreciate your willingness to help me through this! I look forward to continuing the conversation with you. If you have any questions I would love to answer them. :slight_smile:
     
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  19. Nickw

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    Where I was going with my response on straight folks not wondering if they are straight was more in a general response to your original question about those that doubt their sexuality.

    By testing yourself I mean this... We all look at the Kinsey Scale these days to try and figure out where we are. If we are a "1", we can be a straight guy who just likes a little gay porn and go on with our heteronormative lives. If we figure we are a "2" we might still be able to be a straight guy who just might want to play the field for awhile and that's OK. We will settle down. Higher on the scale might mean we live our lives differently. I'm not saying everyone thinks the same. But, we do have a tendency to try and quantify aspects of ourselves...define ourselves. So, we perform little tests to see what our number is and how that affects our lives.

    I'm advising to be careful doing this. A number is only valuable for a conversation. As a bisexual, your life, probably, can't be defined by a gay rating.
     
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  20. LilLady9

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    Got it. Thank you so much for all your input, @Nickw. It has helped a lot.