I had been all around this forum, reading about life, about love, about difficult moments that many of you had experienced. I'm having this feeling, happy feeling of connection an empathy with you... I'm grateful for sharing those moments... So I want to share mines. It's curious how one single moment can redefine everything... the moment you knew... what an overwhelming wave of feelings, of joy particularly, but a lot more than you can handle. What I was doing is of little importance but it was a mean to unveil the thruth. I realised, now a man in his fourties that I always wanted to have another body. I always wanted to be a girl. I discovered that the typical behavior of cis male had always been a pose, a charade. And I recalled my life in episodes like a sitcom, and my brain started to identify moments of my life... I had never been taken by surprise by myself like this! I remembered been as young as 4, wishing and feeling like a little girl. When I was a kid, when I was a teen... moments, feelings, all of them covered down a pile of excuses. Culture, religion, tradition, society, education... all in my mix of a twist explanation I forged, in order to not see what is plain to me now. I'm not a cisgender, I'm not Ok with my body, turns out I never had. But until now, because my main sexual interest was women ( I had never allow myself to doubt this before), and until now my dysphoria was an unidentifed discomfort or an uneasiness... I could reach this age and never notice before. I mean, I had wish to be a woman before, multiple times, but to me were unrelated thoughts. Silly thoughts of a fantasized mind in the same order of wanting to be an astronaut or the medieval hero. But this time I see it cristal clear. I think that the joy felt was in big measure because it is a natural reaction, for us humans, when you are in the presence of the truth. There was more... but I will share it latter with you. Thank you again. Love!
EriRed.....Thank you for your very honest message. You didn't really ask a question, just shared with us your feelings. I'd like to suggest something, of course assuming that you haven't already done this. There are numerous videos on youtube posted by Transgendered people sharing the story of how they came to the knowledge of their situation and how and what they did about it. You can go to youtube and just search for FtM or MtF videos. There is much to learn by watching those videos. I hope this helps! .....David
Thank you David. I will definitely search for those videos. I'm full of questions and although I'm been prudent, not trying to think of any labels, at some point is unavoidable. Right now I'm not questioning my gender, I just know. Is so clear that even if try to challenge it, I fail tough from the start...its obvious for me. What I'm trying to working out is the consequences. I was walking on a hard rock path and now I'm walking on multicolored clouds! If I could hide from myself something this big... I have to question all.
But I do have a question. The dysphoria is terrifying me right now. I had really painful moments suffering it. Its natural I assumed that this unnamed feeling before is now stronger with awareness of what it is... This dysphoria in the experience of the people in this forum, tends to stabilize, or to weaken with therapy? Because right now I can handle it. Whenever I'm experimenting a peak (it's what I called brief moments of almost unbearable pain) I isolated myself, but it can be 10 or 15 minutes and then back to normal. I don't know what I would do if gets even stronger.
It is completely normal in life for things to vary, there is a natural ebb and flow to everything that lives. For me the dysphoria did not really weaken at all until I fully accepted what I had to do and I transitioned. Even now with me living full time for quite a long time I still at times do have trouble with dysphoria, though it is no where near as bad as it was when I was forced to wear a boy costume.
