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What does same sex attraction really feel like?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Ambigously, Feb 18, 2021.

  1. Ambigously

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    Hi everyone

    It's been about a year since I posted on here about my confusions, but I still keep reading the forum every now and again. I'm still in a hetro relationship, but more and more feel I am gay.

    The feelings come in random waves, and with a lot of anxiety. I just can't work out if they are feelings I can really rely on, or feelings coming from the anxiety itself. It's getting very confusing and it's awful really, to put it mildly.

    I know no one can tell me what I want, but I am just wondering if anyone has any way of describing same sex attraction, particularly to men?

    When I feel I must be gay, I seem to lose my attraction to women totally. I look at men's arms, their backs, their movements, and feel attraction - or maybe it's better to say, I feel drawn to it, or like its strong and elegant. There is something in male bodies I find... comforting somehow? There was a guy who was a friend of a friend who I found handsome and just, well, nice, like we shared something straight away and I felt nervous around him. For that reason I freaked out and didn't continue getting to know him, even though we had so much in common.

    This is contrasted with sexual feelings, which I do not have and can not conjure up with men. I have no fantasies with men, no sexual desires really, or at least none I am aware of. I have never felt aroused thinking about men. I had a few dreams years back where a woman was doing stuff to me, and it suddenly turned into a man, but I woke up feeling very weird and turned off.

    If I dream sexually it's with women, if I masturbate (which is rare these days tbh) I think of women or watch hetro porn.

    I must admit I have fallen into 'testing' this a lot. I am in a relationship with a woman and sadly we stopped having sex ages ago because of this, because I am terrified of the anxiety it will produce and the testing and questioning. She knows all about this by the way, I am 100% honest with her - she is supporting and loving, and says if I'm gay it will be sad for our relationship and we would have to be friends instead, but it isn't a problem at all, it would be fine.

    What I do is constantly check my feelings towards men and women, compare. I even today was printing some photos of us and I decided or felt I was more attracted to MYSELF than to my girlfriend. This was me looking at my figure and feeling it was quite attractive and muscly broad shoulders etc, and that made me think I must be gay. Can gay men be attracted to themselves? I know this is a STUPID question, but this is where the thoughts are leading me. That's how insane it is getting.

    Here's probably the weirdest thing - when I see images of men and get anxious my testicles sort of ache. Again, no erection or anything, but aching. I worry this is repressed desire. The only other time I've had testicle ache is when I;ve really wanted to have sex with a woman and know I will, but have to wait.

    I honestly feel when I think about this, I lose a sense of reality. I just get a huge rush of anxiety, like when you drink too much coffee, and I feel like life is unreal.

    I don't know if this is telling, but my fantasy to solve this would be to live with a male friend and rely on that for friendship and companionship, but have sex with women who I only see once and never see again. Saying this makes me feel awful, but this is my sort of 'solution' in my head.

    I'm sorry to write so much, and take up peoples time, but in some ways being here anonymously gives me the freedom to write how I feel honestly, and to be honest with myself.

    I am in therapy, and I do talk about this there too, but I also feel like these issues are important to be shared in society, and to work on things together.

    My best friend is gay, and I also have spoken to him about this. It's just really hard cos friends want to solve it, and he just suggested I try something with a man which freaked me out as the idea is so foreign to me. I've always been brought up liberally, and thought I wasn't homophobic or anything, but now I wonder if I could just be terrified to admit any of this, and perhaps that's the issue.

    I have made a very real promise to myself, that if I ever got an erection or had a real fantasy, or got a very clear indication sexually that I had an attraction, I would be honest with my girlfriend and myself and I would act on it. This has led to me watching gay porn and trying desperatly to be aroused, as I can't bear this anxiety and fear anymore. But alas, no erection. Is this dumb to base all of this on sexual attraction? It seems so - basic? I grew up being aroused by girls, falling in love with women, fantasizing about women, from my original fantasies. I'm at a loss.

    Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated from people here with experience
     
    #1 Ambigously, Feb 18, 2021
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  2. Lyman

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    Hi, Ambigously. I got to read your post because I expected something else from the title, and that maybe there would be something I could say something interesting about, but I'll just say that I hope you solve your problems and that it's better that you wait until any EC user that knows more about OCD than I do replies here. To me, what you describe doesn't remotely sound as being gay. But I don't know that much!
     
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  3. Unsure77

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    I’m with Lyman. I’m by no means a trained mental health professional, but the way you’re talking about anxiety and constant testing sounds sort of OCD-ish. I feel pretty sure the advice is going to be that you seek out a therapist who specializes in OCD, but I guess we’ll see once someone more knowledgeable chimes in.

    For what it’s worth, for me, I didn’t have to test myself a lot. I just kind of knew. And I spent a lot of years trying to hide it from myself, but it was almost in the same sense that I avoid ice cream and cookies. It didn’t take much for me to know I like ice cream and cookies. I just avoid them and try to not think about them too much. (If that makes sense)
     
    #3 Unsure77, Feb 18, 2021
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  4. HM03

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    Attraction is something that comes naturally - you can't force yourself or test yourself to find somebody attractive. Based on the testing and groinal response, I agree with the others that it sounds more like OCD rather than actually being gay
     
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  5. Ambigously

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    Hi guys, thanks for replying I really appreciate it.

    Its interesting to think of my testicles hurting as a groinal response, as to me it's so similar to a 'lust' feeling. Also mixed with what I can only describe as I said before as feelings of comfort.

    I know attraction should come naturally, but I just wonder if I am infact attracted and it's just not fully formed. I wonder how much sexual desire needs to play a role in knowing these things
     
  6. Unsure77

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    So, I can’t speak to male physical responses as a cis-gendered woman. However, I will say that I’m very, very gay and can still be comforted by male friends. I have certain male friends who make me feel safe and even loved (platonically). But, it’s not sexual.
     
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  7. Unsure77

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    All of that said, only you can know for sure. Only you know what you feel.
     
  8. Ambigously

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    Thanks unsure, I get what you are saying

    I wish I did know how I feel either way. Not trusting my own feelings is an awful.. well, feeling! I'm usually so sure, but in this I know less and less
     
  9. Sadness

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    Whats up!

    Im sorry for what you are feeling but in someways i understand you, i've been obsessing over this for a while now too, i do this "tests" that you said about looking over gay porn or fantasizing, but for me is never really pleasurable, i have "groinal responses" over this too, like a feeling in my groin area, like movements and all that, but i never reached a real pleasure and erection, i learned that anxiety can cause some sort of feeling down there. So i am trying to live my life just expecting nothing, it is a way to dissipate the anxiety, dont put too much questions on your head, just live your life, try not to expect something, like: what if i am gay? It doesnt matter you dont need to know that now.

    I know its hard to actually do this, but give it a try. I have a lot of problems talking to males now too, i cant even look at them when i am in the street because i feel a tight in my chest like a jumpscare, i never felt this before too tbh its really weird but i am living with that.

    I understand you a little, chips really helped me you could check my posts to see if you relate to something, and you should look for a therapist, the ocd thing is really playing a role with me and with you, we shouldnt obsess about this over and over. Enjoy your life with your girlfriend, be happy with her, i know you love her and you are happy with her, so dont need to rush your feelings, i am afraid of having sex too because of that, but i never had sex before and you do, and you seem to like it, so why you would not like anymore.

    Hope you the best man!!
     
  10. Ambigously

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    In many ways maybe I shouldn't have mentioned 'testing' because this instantly sounds like it's ocd. I suppose I feel that I have a genuine draw towards men, but that the sexual desire hasn't yet come. Maybe it never will because I am straight, but I can't help feel my anxiety is derived from sexuality not anything else.

    I do hope something happens soon, either that I regain my sexual desires towards women, or that they develop towards men. The issue is being stuck in limbo and blocking it all out because of fear. That's truly sad and no life for me to live.
     
  11. Unsure77

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    You literally just described testing. You’re describing hoping and waiting for a feeling to come that just isn’t there. What you’re describing is not what gay people experience. You still don’t sound lgbt. You sound like you have OCD. Gay people don’t have to trick themselves or convince themselves or test themselves into being gay. We don’t come out late in life because we finally did enough testing or thinking or pondering to figure out our feelings. We come out late in life because we finally learn to accept clear, strong feelings we had all along. That’s not what you’re describing your experience as being.

    Again, it seems like (for you) talking to an OCD therapist might likely be the way to go. It’s the advice @Chip always gives people describing what you’re describing,
     
  12. Ambigously

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    Thanks Unsure77 that's kind and clear. I know it appears as if from what I have said I have no attraction, and on good less anxious days I can see more clearly, but on days like today when I'm riddled with anxiety I just find a way to revert back to questioning and believing that the comfort i feel for men and the anxiety i feel for women can only mean one thing.

    It's a bizarre situation to not know ones own feelings. I usually am so opinionated!
     
  13. QuietPeace

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    It could very well mean that you are not worried about the men since you are NOT attracted to them and that you get nervous around the women because they ARE who you are attracted to. It is quite common to be nervous around people who you are attracted to.

    To directly answer the title. Attraction feels like attraction. The only difference between same sex attraction and opposite sex attraction is the target of your attraction. Everything you have said here points to you being straight and having OCD, there are therapies and medications which can help with OCD while continual testing only makes it worse.
     
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  14. Ambigously

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    That makes sense, I know really there is no difference.

    By the way, great Emma Goldman quote! Her biography is something quite spectacular :black_heart:
     
  15. out2019

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    only you can decide, but you don't sexually fantasize about men. You do about women.

    If I were you i would look at some ways to relax, and deal with these thoughts. @Chip often recommends the book brain lock - even if you don't have "OCD" some of the techniques will help

    see above. You're not going to get any answers anymore than someone with a hand washing odc is going to get clean hands.

    I am gay. I had a LOT of denial. If I did some of the testing and comparing that people do here, I would still be confused and still in denial :slight_smile:
     
  16. old tacoma

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    @HM03 — Agree, attraction comes naturally.

    @Ambigously — Trust me, you will know it when you feel it. But as I have learned, the feeling is not always mutual.
     
  17. Spaceseed

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    when you watch straight porn do you focus on the guy or the girl ?

    how long have you had those feelings ?
     
  18. Chip

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    You don't need to test. You don't need to ask the question. What you are describing is textbook classic OCD... intrusive thoughts that you can't shake, a constant, obsessive need to repeatedly engage in a behavior (in this case, testing yourself). Anecdotally, I've found that anyone who uses the phrase "groinal response" is someone dealing with OCD, because nobody with actual sexual arousal uses that phrase.

    If you're in therapy, your therapist should be able to assess you for OCD. If she doesn't feel confident/capable to do that, you need a new therapist. Also, If she doesn't see at least some indications of OCD (which is different from diagnosing OCD) from what you're describing, you need a new therapist.

    In short... no amount of questioning, testing, asking questions, seeking opinions, examining "groinal responses" is going to give you your answer, because your brain is hijacked, neurochemically, by the OCD. Depending on the severity, this might be something you can address in therapy (this is where I recommend the book "brain lock") or it might require medication. That's something to discuss with your therapist.
     
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  19. Spaceseed

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    Cho
    Chip would have a tip to make the difference between hocd and figuring out orientation, I’m not sure which one of the two I would myself be part of ?
     
  20. Ambigously

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    I look at the woman I guess. But it feels forced now as I've over thought it all.

    Had this almost 2 years :frowning2: