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Mature Discussion I'm really starting to worry that I'll never figure myself out

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by skloorrpt, Feb 10, 2021.

  1. skloorrpt

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    Lately I've been beginning to worry that this is all some sort of weird experimental phase I've hit way too late in life. I've never had any sexual experience with someone of the opposite sex. I have had sex with another man before. However, it's complicated by the fact that it was with a very close friend of mine. Someone I would consider my best friend since high-school or even a couple years before.
    I enjoyed what has happened between us, but I wonder why it happened. Maybe I just wanted to know what it was like and he was the only person I felt comfortable doing something like that with. I feel like it would be weird if I suddenly realized I am just straight and we had to go back to being just friends.
    I guess I just worry that I'll never really find someone else like him because I'm not very good at meeting people or making friends. I don't want to mess up our friendship. The last few days I've been having worrying thoughts like what if I am just experimenting and I'm actually just straight and now I've completely fucked up my friendship with one of the only people I feel like I genuinely have a connection with anymore.
    I don't know, it's weird. He's the only person I think I've ever really felt attracted to and it's not because of how he looks which is how I always thought it would work for some reason. It's almost like I prefer the male genitals but find women more aesthetically pleasing or something. That is one of the main things that still has me second guessing everything. I just feel like I'll never be able to say with any confidence if I'm gay or straight and that makes me feel like I'll never be able to settle down and have a relationship with anyone. Being alone/unhappy forever is my greatest fear at the moment and sometimes it just feels like I'll never figure myself out and it's just destined to happen and it feels so scary.
     
  2. Ram90

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    One of my very first experiences was with a close friend, one who introduced me to the world of online dating and socializing with gay guys in my city. We never expected we would end up making out, but it just happened one day. However, the both of us, never expected to become a "thing", since we knew each other's preferences and the kind of guys we were into. We made out only twice and we still stayed friends after that.

    And yes, at the time, I was worried that the definition of our friendship changed, but it didn't. We were mature and talked it out, so I encourage you to talk it out with them, if you feel that is something you can do.

    Trust me. There is nothing wrong with experimentation. I've dated only a handful of guys, so I'm still experimenting. Don't worry about taking your time to discover yourself entirely. That's ok. Second guessing is ok. It's all part of the process. :slight_smile:.
     
  3. skloorrpt

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    I know it's not wrong to experiment, and I try to be open minded and figure myself out. I just wish that I could know something like this already. Everyone else just seems to understand it automatically somehow. I'm lonely and I wonder if I just think that having someone else, regardless of gender, would help me feel better.
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    All you have to do is look through the posts here on EC to see that many people are questioning. I have known people decades older than you are (including myself) who were still questioning.

    Never depend on a relationship to make yourself feel better. Relationships are difficult and require work, many people have a significant other and are unhappy and even lonely. Some of the times where I have been most lonely were when I was in a relationship (a bad relationship is worse than being alone). If you are unhappy with your life as it is it would be better to work on yourself first. Remember, "Wherever you go, there you are".
     
  5. skloorrpt

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    Other people on here have made it clear that I'm not the only one going through something like this. I think the issue I have is that no one I know has had this problem, to the extent I seem to at least.
    It might sound a bit crazy, but the fact that someone can seem so sure of themselves when it comes to something like this. I think that's probably just because I have self confidence/esteem issues. Sometimes I feel like my sense of self isn't that strong. So I know I need work before I should probably try anything with anyone. I guess when I say that I wonder about a relationship I'm mainly referring to the friend I've mentioned. I always feel happier when I'm around him and when we have fooled around a bit I enjoyed it. At least I think I did, but some days, like the last few for example, I worry that I didn't which I find strange. At the time it was nice but afterwards sometimes I get this feeling and have thoughts like "I really can't believe I did that, is that something I'm into." Or "What if I'm actually just straight but have somehow gotten this far with another man."
    Another thing is that he has said he thinks we would make a good couple, and was sort of asking me if I agrees or if he should look elsewhere. I think I want to, I'm just not sure of my own sexual orientation yet. I also just think I'm probably not in the best place mentally to be in a relationship right now, like you said I shouldn't probably work on myself first especially considering it would be my first relationship. I just don't want to miss my chance should he start looking for someone else, because I really do think I want to try it.
     
  6. Ram90

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    If you feel you want to take the time to explore and "find" yourself, do it! Trust me when I say that I went through self-esteem issues for over a decade and it was not pretty. I still think I have some leftover, but I got out of the dating game pretty quickly when I realized I had a ton of work to do on myself and that my circumstances didn't support it (also I had a few unpleasant experiences). But, what I'm trying to say is that, if you can, be honest with yourself. That's the most important thing. Relationships come and go. I know it's cliché to the core, but you'll find a decent guy, don't worry. :slight_smile:
     
  7. skloorrpt

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    I don't really know how to work on what I need to work on. I struggle to say focused and motivated so that won't help either.
    I know I probably shouldn't worry about starting a relationship now, especially considering I'm not 100% sure about my sexual orientation. LIke I said though, I really don't want to miss the chance to maybe try with my friend because I think it could be really nice if it does happen. I don't want to regret not giving it a shot. I also can't really picture myself with anyone else at the moment but I suppose that could be caused by whatever issues I have.
     
  8. old tacoma

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    @skloorrpt — Here’s the old guy back again.

    I had the opportunity over this past weekend to finally meet with a “new” guy, meaning it was our first meeting. We had been exchanging messages for about 6 months prior to our meeting. Our schedules finally allowed us the opportunity.

    I was at his place for 3 hours. We had a very good experience, on many levels. He wrote to me yesterday, “the time just flew by”.

    I don’t know if this first meeting with him will lead to any kind of friendship/relationship, but I did receive a powerful reinforcement of my sexuality. There is no doubt in my mind now that my sexual attraction is solely for men. I never once had this intensity with a woman.

    Why am I telling you this? Because you are still young (23), and there is time for you to discover your sexuality in the years ahead. The way to figure it out is in the doing. I’m not suggesting that you throw yourself out there and see who you catch or who catches you. But your thoughtful approach and direction with men and women who catch your interest is sure to help you determine your orientation.
    It’s not always easy, but learn to trust yourself. Your own self.