1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out didn’t lift the weight

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Hyde1905, Feb 13, 2021.

  1. Hyde1905

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2018
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi,

    (I apologise in advance, it’s gonna be long)

    I know how a lot of people say that coming out it like a weight being lifted from your shoulders however I came out nearly a year ago to my parents and I feel as if the weight is slowly getting heavier.

    I’m just wondering if anyone else has had this or if everyone feels that ‘lifted weight’

    I came out in what I’m sure is an extremely unusual way and it probably has something to do with it so I’ll explain my story for the context:

    a year and a half ago I met the most supporting person I have ever met and we were dating for a few months (I’m a lesbian and we’re long distance) before it was her birthday, I called her on her birthday and her family knew about me, her stepdad asked me while on the phone to her why I couldn’t come for her birthday and I broke down crying. I hated myself for not being out because it felt like a huge barrier in my relationship (which I am still in now) and it was stopping me from seeing her despite how much I actually want to. He told me that they would pay for me to get there and i could stay with them because he knew that I wouldn’t have been able to travel there otherwise.

    a few months later, I had a stupid idea and I knew I wasn’t ready but I really wanted to meet her, so I asked her to message my mum and tell her that I’m gay and dating her. I didn’t want to know when she had told her because I would just panic so I asked her to wait a while and not tell me until after she told my mum. My girlfriend (as I asked her to) send me the screenshots of my mums reply without me knowing that she had told her and later on I got a huge message from my mum saying how she would let me wait until I can go to her to walk about it instead of through my girlfriend... then proceeded to tell my dad.. which I wasn’t prepared for at all.

    it’s been almost a year since that day and instead of feeling like I’m out I feel like I’ve been pushed as far back into the closet as I could be.

    my parents haven’t spoken to me once about it and the only thing I’ve discovered is that my mum is angry that I couldn’t tell her myself (which I don’t know if I should understand or not because I feel like I wouldn’t be in this situation if I told her myself)

    im still terrified to confront her about anyway. I’ve sent multiple parcels to my girlfriend where I’ve spent months saving up the money to send them in secret because eventhough i know she knows in I’m a relationship, I’m too scared to ask her if she could pay to ship them.

    I made myself buy a pride flag in the summer and my goal was to hang it up in my room and try to express myself and be more open about it however it is still shoved in the bottom of my wardrobe hidden.

    I’d love to be able to speak to my parents about arrangements to see my girlfriend after the pandemic but because I came out purely because I felt bad about not being able to visit her, the pandemic has made my coming out seem really useless.

    i still hide when I’m calling my girlfriend and messaging her and try to make sure my parents don’t see or know that I am, I don’t know if it’s just become a habit from before I came out but I’m still terrified for them to know when I’m calling her

    I’m also genderfluid however I have no intention to tell them that as I’m still happy with presenting as female a lot of the time so I just don’t understand how coming out lifts the weight

    I don’t really think much help could be given here but I’m just curious to know if anyone else felt a similar way and didn’t know why.

    (my parents are 100% supportive of my sexuality)

    If you read this then thanks, it’s a bit of a mess
     
    Lesbee likes this.
  2. HM03

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2013
    Messages:
    2,623
    Likes Received:
    508
    Location:
    Pergatory
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi!

    I'm sorry about your situation and that you aren't feeling that good about it :frowning2: There are a ton of LGBT folks in a variety of situations where we can feel a huge variety of feelings about things. While it is true that many folks do feel that initial feeling of freedom like a weight is lifted, you are definitely not alone in feeling down about it!

    Society can be pretty mean to LGBT people. All the mean things that we hear over the years can make us feel shameful and bad about being gay. Often that feeling isn't right on the top where we can see and acknowledge it, it can be buried and we might not be able to acknowledge it right away. Its pretty common, try not to be too hard on yourself about it :slight_smile:

    While your mom may be hurt that you directly didn't confide in her, she will never know exactly what its like to be in the closet, gay, or in your shoes. It was uncool of her to voice her anger and it was uncool for her to tell your dad (and let that information get back to you).

    Sometimes we all need a little bit of help to sort through our thoughts, why we are feeling that way and get back on our feet. I know things are a little different right now, but how would you feel about asking your parents about seeing somebody to talk to (many therapists are doing video calls now), or seeing a guidance councilor at school? Would writing a letter(s) to your parents about things be easier? You could get help on what you wanted to say from friends & gf, and even post a copy (with nothing too identifying) here on EC for feedback :slight_smile:
     
  3. Hyde1905

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2018
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people

    Hey, thanks

    im a pretty closed off person, I hide everything even if there’s no need to, I’m not really comfortable with dealing with anything with my parents and I thought about speaking to the school councillor but our schools are closed here and I’ll be leaving my school for college this year so it feels kinda pointless to ask for help there when it’s all gonna be dropped not long after I get it, I’m sure I’ll manage I’m just glad to know I’m not the only person who feels like this for no given reason. I’m just really anxious about unnecessary things I guess, but thanks :slight_smile:
     
  4. QuietPeace

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
    1,706
    Likes Received:
    1,154
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Maybe the weight did not get lifted because you did not come out. You asked your girlfriend to out you, which she did. You then proceeded to live entirely in the closet still as far as your family goes. If you did actually come out to your parents it might help a lot of the things that you are feeling.

    It might lift the weight off which would be really useful.
     
  5. Hyde1905

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2018
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I
    I guess so but they already know so it’s kinda strange, if I tell them again but from myself instead they will just be like ‘I know’ and it will go back to how it is now :/
     
  6. HM03

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2013
    Messages:
    2,623
    Likes Received:
    508
    Location:
    Pergatory
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Personally I found some dissonance/disconnect between what my brain was used to being able to talk about and what was "acceptable" to talk about post coming out.

    **
    If you look at it like that, then yeah, there might not be a lot of point in telling them again. However I see coming out being more than just a simple declaration of same sex attraction, it also includes not having to filter your words or actions nearly as much. I never realized how unhealthy (by neglect) my communication and relationship with my dad was when I had to filter so much.
     
    K80outloud likes this.
  7. Unsure77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2019
    Messages:
    589
    Likes Received:
    410
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I agree with QuietPeace. The relief comes partly from knowing and not having to guess how different people are going to feel and it comes from being able to just let yourself be you. Not having to work so hard to mentally edit everything you say and do in an attempt to pass. (Particularly depending on just how unnatural that is for you). And for me, when I was still afraid to admit to myself I was gay, I was also constantly doing a massive amount of mental gymnastics to no admit to myself what I was feeling.

    With your situation, it doesn’t sound like you’ve made it to that place yet. You’re still working to try and pass and your relationships and you haven’t had a chance to clear the air with your parents yet. Neither of which is a bad thing, if you’re not ready. But the peace comes from everything being out in the open and you just being you. I’m still working on getting fully there.
     
    K80outloud likes this.
  8. Hyde1905

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2018
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I get what you mean,
    Though I tend to struggle like that with talking to people in general, I’m a REALLY anxious person and I struggle to speak to anyone in general, especially 1 on 1. I filter everything I say to try and give the least information as possible even if it’s absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality/gender or not.

    The only person I’ve ever managed to be able to speak openly to is my girlfriend and I just guess not being able to speak to anyone else about her is the downside of that.

    I know that it’s not normal that I have to filter or adjust anything I say no matter what it’s about, and often if I reveal more information than I’d like to I get overwhelmed and break down, (just for an example I was once on the phone to my dad and I didn’t want him to know that I was stressed about an exam at school but I told him and then broke down afterwards for no reason other than I just didn’t want him to know and there was no reason why)

    i just feel as if it’s effecting my relationship with everyone and that I’m never gonna be able to embrace the fact that I’m not in the closet anymore
     
  9. Unsure77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2019
    Messages:
    589
    Likes Received:
    410
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's not unusual or bad that you feel like you need to filter yourself. It just may be why you're not feeling the sense of relief that you'd hoped for. Remember, you're coming out for you. You do it on your terms at your pace when you're ready (if you're ever ready). There's no "right' or "wrong" to it. This is your show.

    If you do feel like you play close to the vest, it might be worth asking yourself if there's a reason you feel that way. If there's anything you need to work through. And it's also possible it's just going to take time. It's taken me two years of therapy to learn to open up with people. Which, I guess is another option. If it bothers you or seems problematic to you that you feel like you have to censor yourself, therapy might be an option to kinda worth through it.

    Sorry if that does't help much.
     
  10. Hyde1905

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2018
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    no it helps a lot, I know I need to get help in some form, theres a lot of other things I’ve been thinking too however I’m just not really sure how to be able to speak to a therapist when I’m not comfortable to tell my parents anything and I’m only 15
     
  11. Unsure77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2019
    Messages:
    589
    Likes Received:
    410
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Could you tell them you’d like to see a therapist because you’re having anxiety issues? (And just be vague about what the anxiety is over or talk about more neutral topics like school or something that you may be worried about)?
     
  12. Hyde1905

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2018
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    i guess so, I’m hoping I’ll be able to get help when I start college in September. But if there not much available then I’ll try to speak to them
     
  13. Hyde1905

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2018
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    theres not really much point saying anything yet, we can’t see or speak to anyone because of lockdown and if I tell them now then I’ll just have to explain again when we’re out of lockdown

    thank you though :slight_smile:
     
  14. Unsure77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2019
    Messages:
    589
    Likes Received:
    410
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yeah, I guess telehealth isn’t a great option for your situation.
     
  15. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,175
    Likes Received:
    2,348
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hyde.....You had quite a few answers to your post and I'm not sure that I can really add very much...but I'll give it a shot! :old_smile: For me there was an instant lifting of the weight that I had been carrying for more than forty years. I had been out for a while in college, but due to the death of my boyfriend/lover/soulmate I had turned my back on my true sexuality. When I finally accepted who I really was, it was a tremendous relief. That is not what I'm writing to you about. I was just sharing my experience. What I want to share with you is the experience of several of my friends. They did not have the kind of experience that I had. They did not have instant relief...in fact, a little like you, they actually felt worse at first. What both of them have shared with me is that adjusting to the new realization/acceptance of their "gayness" took time. They called it a process not an event. Perhaps this is what you are dealing with...a process that takes time and not an event that happens all at once. Hopes this helps in at least a little way! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    Unsure77 likes this.
  16. Hyde1905

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2018
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi, thanks for the response, it helps to know it’s not just me who doesn’t feel a relief from it :slight_smile:
     
  17. pennylane1988

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2014
    Messages:
    174
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    National City
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I didn't get that sense of relief inmediatly either. I'm very anxious and like you I don't like to talk too much about personal stuff, so the process of coming out was extremely hard. Although, now that I've been out for years I realized that I don't have that weight on my shoulders anymore and I'm very grateful for everything that I've achieved.
    For me It was more a gradual process, even after coming out I didn't feel comfortable talking about gay stuff so to speak. After coming out I would still got really anxious around people knowing I was gay. So I decided to pushed myself to mention my gf (how things are going between us, how she's doing, etc) every once in a while to people. It helped me a lot, because I saw that most people didn't care about me being a lesbian. At first it was hard, but it got easier over time.
    You can try calingl your gf when your mom is at home, that way when she asks who were you talking to, you can tell her and share with her any little thing your gf had told you on the phone. It was something I used to do after I came out to my mom and it worked for me.