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One day at a time...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by old tacoma, Feb 6, 2021.

  1. old tacoma

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    I thought I’d post this as an update of sorts. I had an exceptionally good day yesterday and I want to share. I did my exercises at home to start out, and was planning to go to the gym after. When the sun came up, it was such a truly perfect morning that I decided to walk instead. I usually walk about 10-12 miles every morning and I just couldn’t miss out on such a stunning opportunity. I figured my gym time could wait.
    I like walking. It gives me time to myself. It has become a big part of my exercise during the pandemic lockdowns when the gyms were closed. In a odd way, for me it’s also been a understated means of getting comfortable being perceived as a gay man publicly. The times I walk with my friend, we must look like we’re partners because when I walk alone (which is the norm) randomly people will ask me where he is. And when we are walking together, the regular walkers will say something like “Nice to see you guys.”
    Yesterday I had no plan to see him, but we did cross paths when I was at about 9 miles and he had walked about 1 mile. He decided to join me and basically walked with me to my house.
    For those of you who know my history with my friend, yesterday struck me because he was more open with me than he has been. I’m really trying to keep my own feelings for him in check these days, to maintain my own equilibrium.
     
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  2. old tacoma

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    Continuing...
    Well, I really enjoyed our time together yesterday. When we reached my house, I said it was nice to see him, and the connection between us was pretty intense. I got the impression he wanted to say something, but was holding back. Something positive, that was my impression. I don’t know. Could be my imagination playing a trick.
    I eventually did get to the gym in the afternoon, and had a good workout. I kept thinking about the look on my friend’s face when we parted. I guess it’s just one day at a time.
     
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  3. quebec

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    old tacoma.....The old Chinese proverb says that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. So yes, it is one step at a time...but you are taking those steps! I am happy for you and your friend!
    .....David :gay_pride-flag:
     
  4. EriRED

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    Old tacoma you make me live what you told. I felt the romantic tension the moment you arrive at your house... I'm rooting for you
     
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  5. old tacoma

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    Now to throw a wrench into the gears....
    I met a guy yesterday who I have had numerous chats going back several months. Never could coordinate a meeting until yesterday. He apparently wanted to meet me from our very first chat almost six months ago. I had not given him much of a chance because he is 15 years younger than me. Well, our first in person meeting went very well ! I have no idea where this may go, but last night as I lay in bed at home alone, and falling off to sleep, I was at peace with myself — I had had yet another intimately gay experience, just as I had previously experienced with my friend the times we were together. Interestingly, as I lay there in bed, I remembered back to a blanket my mother knitted when I was very young, I was not more than 5 years old — a blanket of many colors, I used to call it my rainbow blanket. She knitted it from leftover yarn from many other things she made, but it was very special to me. Maybe she knew me better than I realized.
     
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  6. old tacoma

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    Something’s keeps coming back to my mind about the guy I just met. When I was laying next to him on Saturday and we just talking afterwards, several times he was looking me over, rubbing his hand over my chest, he got teary eyed. I asked him, “What is it?” but he just answered it was nothing. But it was palpable, I could sense it. That happened to me with my friend previously. Because I know I was so filled with emotion. I had years of holding myself back and I had just opened up a floodgate. But this guy is younger, openly gay, and I assume sexually active. Eventually he quietly said, “That was intense.” I just held him, because I didn’t know what to say.
     
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  7. Nickw

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    Hey @old tacoma

    it sounds like you made a real connection with this guy. So, I have to ask. Where do you see yourself going with this? Is it time to disclose to your wife what is going on?
     
  8. old tacoma

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    Hi @Nickw — After my previous experience with my friend, I don’t know where things may go with this guy. I don’t recall if I mentioned here on EC that back when I was getting together with my friend, while he was visiting his sister and her family for Christmas 2019, I had written a letter to give to my wife, explaining how I felt about him, and putting it in the context of other things that happened in our marriage that she probably always wondered about. (Not with guys because there were none, but my responses to events over the years.) My plan was to sit down with her as she read it, and be there with her if she had any questions. I wrote the letter so that I wouldn’t leave anything out because my sense is that a conversation only would result in her simply telling me she doesn’t want to hear what I was trying to tell her. (This has happened before in our marriage.)

    When my friend returned from his trip, my impression was something between us was different. It was only a few days later that he sent me an email telling me about his former boyfriend wanting to get together again. As he put it to me, his on again, off again relationship was on again, I have written here about the effect that has had on me.

    So I never did sit down with my wife and give her my letter. I didn’t see the point of upending her life when my reality was that I had no guy in my life. From your perspective I guess you’d say I’m being dishonest, and that is true from your perspective. Yet from what you have written here on EC, and I have mentioned this before, I see your situation as very different from mine, and in some respects unique to your relationships with your wife and your friend.
     
  9. Nickw

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    I guess my question is this. If you are, actively, seeking a relationship with a man and that is what completes you, why stay in the marriage?
     
  10. old tacoma

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    Hi @Nickw — From your posts, my understanding is that you, like me, have both been in our respective marriages for over 30 years. I stay in my marriage because I love my wife, as odd as that may sound to you, given your perspective about my behavior. I do not have the sexual attraction to my wife that you have with your wife (I do not identify as bisexual), I nonetheless love her as she is, for the person who she is. I don’t treat that lightly, and I see my desire for intimacy (or what completes me, as you put it) within a larger context. I readily admit this puts a burden on me, which at times is difficult for me to handle, but I am walking this path with my eyes open, fully aware. You once advised me last year that it might be unwise to have my wife meet my friend, but knowing both of them and not knowing you (or you knowing me), I chose to follow what I perceived the best course. It has worked out well within the context of my situation. Your relationships with your wife and your friend work well within the context of your situation. I think both results speak to the men that we are.
     
  11. Nickw

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    Hey @old tacoma

    of course it is difficult to put ourselves in other’s positions. I am not lecturing or taking a moral high ground here.

    I am only asking you what YOU want and need. This thread started with you describing an intimate time with another man. How this intimacy caused some deep feelings in both your parts. You’ve also expressed that your friend and you have a relationship that you, at least at one time, wanted to be more.

    I think it is fair to ask you what you are looking for. If you find a man, will you leave the marriage?