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Unsure about my gender identity

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Skye314, Feb 11, 2021.

  1. Skye314

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
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    A few people
    Hi! I'm kinda new to online LGBTQ+ communities so I'm probably just going to write down my thoughts and experiences and it might be a lot.

    I'm 22, and when I was in high school I realized that I was definitely feminine and probably gender-fluid, and that I felt more masc on some days and more femme on other days. Eventually I got sick of having to explain to skeptical people over and over again and broadened how I identified to non-binary to avoid the questions, and started using he/them pronouns to match closely enough, and I've been happy enough with it for the past 6 years. However, since covid started a year ago, I've been living with my grandparents to help out around the house and run errands to keep them safe, but I've also only been able to present as masc until both of them go to sleep since I'm still in the closet to my entire family.

    Over that last year though, I've been feeling more and more dysphoric presenting masc, to the point where while presenting femme occasionally late at night gives me euphoria, I don't get the same feeling anymore from presenting masc, just more of a feeling of relief when I'm feeling less dysphoric than usual. A couple weeks ago I was researching dysphoria, and found that I could point out more symptoms than I had realized, because day to day life is feeling worse and worse, and since then I've felt pretty awful almost constantly, and I don't know if I'm subconsciously having my dysphoria triggered more because I know more or if it's for some other reason.

    At this point I can hardly tell who I am and I'm terrified of finding out the answer, even though I know I have to. I don't know if I can say that I'm still non-binary like I've been identifying as since some days hearing people refer to me as 'he' makes me feel physically ill. I think there's a chance I could be a trans girl, but even right now there are times where presenting as masc reduces my dysphoria a little (although not much) so I don't have the same constant feeling that some of my old friends told me they had before they started transitioning. I'm terrified that I might be trans, but be delaying the process of transitioning because of my uncertainty, like, I'm almost 23 already, I'm running out of time to transition with HRT while I'm young to become the cute girl that I can sometimes picture in the mirror. I could be gender-fluid still, but I still feel at least a little dysphoria when I'm both feeling and presenting male, so I'm not sure there either.

    Has anyone here felt similarly in the process of questioning? I'm scared and I feel like I'm breaking down almost constantly with no productive answers to show for it. If anyone has any advice or thoughts, I'd be glad to hear a perspective that's not from me while I'm stuck in my own head like this.
     
  2. EriRED

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Straight
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    Hello, I'm new to this site too. I recently discover some things about me that made me sign up. I can tell you that the first week since I came to know, I was in ecstasy. Full of Joy, but the knowledge that you yearn to have a body you don't have, can be hard for anyone. It was hard for me, and several weeks goes by and I wasn't feeling any better. The anxiety up and down my chest... the anguish carving a hole in my stomach... I couldn't look in a mirror... I seek help in a local Lgbtq centre... Talking helps a lot... Did for me. The dysphoria could be excruciating, seek a pro or someone from the Lgbtq community. For all of the rest, I can tell it's confusing, but let me give you some advice, don't rush to labels. People around you might want to label you because it's easier than really looking at you and star to knowing you. The same goes for you, give yourself the time to know you, if you want a gender look at your name, if your name doesn't suit you find another. It's a journey to your heart and soul. Be patient, give it time. It's better to make decision with a cold head. The best to you. Remember you will never be alone.
     
    Skye314 likes this.
  3. QuietPeace

    Full Member

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    There is no actual time limit for anyone. Some transition much later in life. HRT effects everyone differently no matter what the age you start. Certainly the age to start for the largest development in the feminine direction is before any masculine development but you are already past that age and your skeleton is as developed in that direction as it is going to be so waiting one more year if you have to should not make that radical of a difference.

    Unless you decide to come out to your family your current situation is going to limit you, if you can come out to them then you could start experimenting with more real life presentation. If you do have to wait then once the virus is under control you can move out on your own and do it then. Until then do so in private and here online to see if it does make you feel better. Would it be possible for you to see a therapist and start the process of discussing the issue now? This could speed up getting the hormone therapy when the time comes for you to move out on your own.
     
    Skye314 and gravechild like this.
  4. Skye314

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New Hampshire
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks for the thoughts! I do have an appointment with a therapist coming up online, in person is a bit harder because of covid. I don't think she's specifically an lgbt/gender therapist, but the internet says that she has experience with lgbtq+, and I plan on bringing this up for her, but I'm nervous about how well she'll take it since having to communicate about my emotions is scary for me. Thanks again for the advice!