I am a married 30 year old male who has always been bicurious but now I feel I am bisexual leaning gay. I have never been with another male so I cannot be 100% sure of my gay leaning and have always been attracted to females. I find I am now sexually aroused by transgender females with male genitals, crossdressers and fem looking guys, why? Because a feeling of inner desire to get down dirty with them. But I feel I cannot be 100% curtain of that desire though cause it is purely based off pornographic materail and some cybersex instances but I have always had an inner feeling of being aroused by gay sexual material which I spose manifested into this "desire." The reason for the bisexual lable is that along with my homosexuality I still had a desire, want, need to be with women because they are just damn attractive and sexy. And for the leaning lable is it feels as though those feelings aren't as strong as they once were compared to these feelings for the sterotypes listed. I am not 100% sure what this means for my future which is causing me so much distress because I am married to a women who I do love and care for with a young 6 month old boy who I love dearly and he has a sibling on the way both of who I can't imagine being separated from but I can't seem to put these other feelings aside. Any help or feedback would be awesome.
Hello, @Lmnop20! I hope you find comfort in knowing you aren't alone; many people here, especially older folks, have gone/are going through much the same thing. As to your case, I don't think anyone can say for certain, but I'm of two minds: 1) If the attraction to men is fairly new to you, your shift in attraction (and thus, having less of it for women right now) is a pretty typical response to repressed desires. There are quite a few people who've come out bisexual later in life who have experienced the same thing (myself included), in which case it's nothing to worry about. When you awaken to your orientation, it can be a bit like a second puberty: your hormones run rampant, you're seeing things and feelings things with an intensity you haven't before--or at least, with regards to the same sex/gender. The other possibility is 2) You're gay, and now that you've opened yourself up to those feelings, the heteronormativity that most of us fall prey to (subconsciously) has receded. Only you can know for certain which one is true. I urge you to give it time and not to act rashly on those feelings. They may seem intense now, difficult to ignore--and in a sense, you don't have to ignore them; it's okay to let yourself feel whatever you're feeling. But if it turns out the first option is what you're going through, the feelings will eventually calm down--and the last thing you want to do is hurt your relationship or the family you built on temporary impulses. Does your wife know, by the way? Open and honest communication is probably the best route in terms of keeping your wife in the loop over what you're going through right now.
Thanks for the reply. I'm comfortable being bisexual I spose I always have been just ashamed to admit to myself. I just worry about that hetronorm and I was gay all along and faked it but only I know how I've felt towards both genders. Focused on gay pornography but still had crazy attraction to females. I still enjoy sex with my wife I just worry that I'd enjoy sex with men more. Strange thinking but it screws me around. I love my wife dearly not only cause she's a women but becuase she is perfect and we are perfect together when everything is easy going. My wife knows everything about everything as I pride myself on being an open and honest person I just wish I had of been honest to begin with. She says she accepts everything but just wants to leave it in the past which I am struggling to do, I feel as though bisexuality has always been a part of me and now I cannot repress it. Is that typical? I also worry of shifting attractions between genders it drives me crazy one day I'm more homosexual the next day I feel straighter and its making me overthink everything.
The trouble with what your wife wants is, it's not something that belongs only in the past. Your bisexuality is a part of you, will always be a part of you, and now that you're coming to terms with it, the last thing you want to do is start repressing it again. What you're feeling is normal, and it is something that will get easier to navigate; like teens learning to control their emotions/reactions, it's going to take some time. What you need right now is for your wife to be patient and to understand this is not something that's just going to magically go away. I'm sure she has good intentions, but by expecting you to keep this part of yourself "in the past", she's doing more harm than good. Again, totally normal. Hard as it is, try not to overthink it; it's simply part of who you are, and like the above mentioned, will settle with time. Sometimes there will be stronger feelings, other times you'll probably barely notice it.
She is pretty stubborn with leaving it behind. I don't know how to help move forward with it. I just get upset with all the guilt of dragging her into this senario at all and shame attached to internal homophobia as well as biphobia cause I have a hard time with any homosexuality tendences and convincing myself I'm gay. Alot to overcome and at the same time be in a realationship. Have you got any tips on the best steps to take to help move through those feelings?
I'm sorry to hear that. It's a lot to be carrying her feelings on top of your own right now, especially when coming to terms with your sexuality can be such a big emotional/psychological transition. When you have internalized homophobia/biphobia in the mix, it tends to feel a bit like trying to run under water; until you break the surface, you're hard-pressed to make any real progress. Sadly, I don't have all the answers. I can tell you some of the ways I've coped, but ultimately, our situations are different. Whether any of this will help, I can't say. 1) Educate yourself as much as possible on bisexuality (and homosexuality in general). Read up on it, try to find as many unbiased sources as you can. Watch videos regarding it in your spare time; there is a lot of content on a popular video site (I'm sure you know the one. Pretty sure I can't say it by name) that can really open your eyes. You might even find a lot of things that resonate with you. 2) Allow yourself to feel your feelings. When you experience shame or guilt, don't try to squash it down--it won't get better like that. Instead, try to understand where those feelings stem from. What has happened in your life that makes you think shamefully of your same sex desires? It could be something parents or other family members said (even if they were wholly unaware of your orientation), something your peers said or did when you were a child, maybe you saw some kids get bullied for it. A lot of the shame and guilt that comes with internalized homophobia stems from events in our past--especially childhood and in our youth. We can tell ourselves we're over something, might even genuinely forget about these events. But the impact is there. You can take up journaling as a way to cope as well. It may seem silly, but writing down what you're feeling has a way of lifting some of the burden, if only for a short while. 3) Give yourself time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and nor will your confidence and acceptance of your orientation occur overnight. Sad as it is, you might want to refrain from talking to your wife about it for now. She's not in the right mindset to be supportive, and anything she has to say on the matter will likely only set you back on your journey. I wish I had better advice to give. I really do. But I hope this helps, if only in part. Keep us posted?
