I don't really know where else to turn. I have been exclusively heterosexual all my life. I have been attracted to males. I have been in a long term and monogamous relationship with a male for ten years. Our sex life has been fine. Several months ago, I fell in love with a woman. It was the first time I ever had feelings for a woman. She is straight. And she was not interested. I was really down for a while and then I started to notice a general attraction towards females that wasn't there before. And then a gradual kind of repulsion I guess towards males. I can't have sex with my partner anymore. I still care for him and I love him, but not in a sexual way. The thought of sex with him or any male is just eeww. Just no. I always deeply desired him before. But it's getting to the point where I would rather move out than be harassed for sex on a regular basis. We have a child so it's difficult to just pack up and leave. Obviously he is upset. So I would just like to know, is this a phase? Am I going to wake up one morning and just go back to my old self? He keeps asking how much longer this is going to go on but I literally don't have an answer. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a difficult situation all around. I don't think anyone here can tell you for certain one way or another, but I'm of two minds on this: 1) You're bisexual and due to a backlog of repressed feelings/desires, your focus is solely on women until you get used to this new feeling, or 2) You're lesbian and everything you felt prior to this sexual awakening can be boiled down to heteronormativity. I'd be honest with your partner that you don't know what's going on, much less when it's going to stop or if it's going to get stronger. Honest, open communication is necessary between both of you, and no amount of guilting or pressuring from him is going to make the situation easier or better. I would give it time before you make any rash decisions.
I feel like, generally speaking, it may be easier to come out to your male partner that you are bisexual or lesbian than it would be for a male to come out to hos female partner as the inverse. Particularly if you have not married him, you still have some room there. It is sort of now or never but then again, i totally understand your predicament as i am in a similar boat.
I will add that most men would rather you be honest with them and not drag it out for him. It is not really fair to him to string him along if its not what you want. Depending on the guy, he might be open to a different type of relationship as well.
I had a similar experience as a male. After my first intimacy with another man something inside me changed or at least I finally acknowledged my attraction to the same sex. This was after years of being straight or so I thought. My attraction to my then long term girlfriend quickly faded to zero. The thought of sexual intimacy with her started to gross me out. I started sleeping in another room just so I didn’t need to touch her. Needless to say things came to head rather quickly. I needed to leave the relationship fast. The idea of spending the rest of my life with her was unthinkable . Of course this was no fault of hers. She was and is a wonderful person however whatever was there was totally gone. I looked everywhere for someone to tell me I was gay. I took every quiz and read a hundred books on homosexuality. I did find out on salient fact after all that research. Only you can tell yourself whether you are gay or lesbian. There is no special secret formula to determine your sexuality. It’s you and what you think and what you want. For me the only path to fulfillment and happiness was embracing my homosexuality. Good luck in finding the real you.
For what it’s worth, I’ve seen @Chip describe what you’re describing as being common for gay men. Them believing they were heterosexual until they acknowledged their gay feelings the first time and then having their attraction for women fade to nothing, never to come back. Not sure if it’s also common for lesbians for not, but not sure why it wouldn’t be. Not sure if that’s helpful.
It does sound like you may be lesbian. However, I do agree with BiGemini87, that there is a chance you're bisexual and are just focused solely on women because you've repressed feeling and desires for so long. I also agree you should give yourself some more time to better understand yourself before you make any big decisions.
Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and thoughts. It does help to know that I'm not alone in this and other people have been through something similar. To clarify, my partner does know about everything. I have been very open and honest with him. My falling in love with someone else was a big deal for us because we have always been monogamous (emotionally as well as physically). He knows I'm doubting my sexuality and that is why I can't be intimate. I guess we're both hoping this is just a phase since it would be much easier that way. He definitely wouldn't be open to a non-exclusive relationship.
Hey welcome to EC. You are definitely not alone. As @BiGemini87 said nobody can tell you what you are but we can help you figure everything out. Unfortunately I'd say it is very unlikely that you willl wake up one morning and everything will have gone back to how it was before. I have seen it quite a lot of people on EC describe similar situations. It is often decribed as a catalyst moment and is often someone coming into your life or a scenario that unlocks or awakens a part of you that you had until that point been unaware of. Its scary and difficult especially when you are in a relationship and have a child but things can get better regardless of the conclusions that you come to.
Thank you Silverhalo, sounds like I need to prepare myself for this possibility. I have had two instances in the last few days where I have found random males attractive. I haven't really been attracted to anyone other than my partner for the last 10 or so years so it's all new to me. I'm not sure what that means. Generally speaking I don't find men attractive I suppose. But there were just the two that I was drawn to physically. On the other hand, I'm finding a lot more women attractive in my general environment, and it seems to arouse more feelings I guess. It's an overall really confusing time and I feel that unless I become single and start exploring my sexuality properly, it's going to be really difficult to figure anything out.
It is definitely not easy. How do you feel about ending your current relationship? Not that I'm telling you you have to.
