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Can I trust him again?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TeaJ, Feb 7, 2021.

  1. TeaJ

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    Hi guys, I'm in desperate need of some advice on what to do in my current situation.

    So basically, I found out in July last year that my boyfriend was cheating on me and betraying me behind my back while we were living together.

    We got together in September 2019, and over the first 6 months or so there were a few things that came up that I decided to forgive because things were going really well overall. For instance, I found out that he was thinking about meeting up with some guy and "see how things go" a month after we decided to be exclusive (I didn't find this out for a while, however). Another thing was stalking his exes social media and still talking to other guys on Snapchat. However, we went on holiday in January 2020 and after this it felt as though our relationship had progressed even more. We had moved past the little issues at the start of the relationship and things seemed to be going well.

    In March 2020, I moved into his place after the national lockdown was announced due to the pandemic - I was living alone at my student accommodation and he wanted to make sure I wasn't isolated on my own and had him to keep my spirits up (he is aware of some of my mental health struggles and wanted to help as best as he could). Things were going well for the first few weeks of living together - we were going on walks together, having games nights etc. and getting to know each other even more. Towards the start of May, we started to argue a little more over smaller issues and this became a trend throughout the month. What made things worse was the fact that my mental health was in a really dark place and I was often agitated, or very emotional and worked up. However, we always found a way to work through things.

    Things started to get better in June when I started work again. We had some time apart and the arguing became almost non-existent. I also had my birthday during this month and he made sure it was special for me - he made me a special cake and booked a holiday for us as a present. His birthday was coming up too and I decided to book us a holiday for it too - I had to tell him in advance so he could book the time off work. Going into July, things continued going well as the country started to reopen again and we could start having date nights again etc.

    Or at least it seemed. Towards the end of the month, he went out to the beach with some of his friends for one of his friends birthdays. I told him to be careful as I knew they were having a couple of alcoholic drinks - he said he would and not to worry. When he came back home in the night, he seemed a little tipsy but he was giving me a lot of affection, hugging me, kissing me, cuddling me etc - even more than usual. I thought it was a little strange but shrugged it off. Right before we got into bed, he was messaging someone on Snapchat but trying to hide his phone from me while doing it which he had never done before. So when he fell asleep, I checked his Snapchat on his phone - not the most correct thing to do, but I was feeling worried overthinking myself into why he was hiding his phone away. And I wasn't wrong - I found out he had been messaging a "friend" all day. Not just any normal messages; they were sexually explicit, detailing what they were going to do to each other in the most vile ways for me to read, sending tens of nudes and videos to each other, talking dirty like I've never seen it before. And worse thing is, the guy knew we were together because he said I was a "lucky boy" to be taking that *beep*.

    To make things worse, my boyfriend sent him a link to a Twitter page that he has. On this page, he was posting solo videos playing with himself in every way you can think of, using MY toys too, posting nudes, talking about how he needs a bttm to f*** instantly and all sorts of things like that. These were daily posts. He also talked about sexual experiences that we had had together, but he would refer to me as "some random twink" he'd met on the street or some other degrading name depending on the tweet. He was also messaging guys on this page. The worst thing is, he had this page for months behind my back. He was posting on it every day while living under the same roof as me, posting these pictures and videos while I was away working. He saw me struggling so much with my mental health and promised me he would always be there for me, and all the while he was doing this behind my back.

    I had the worst panic attack I've ever had in my life. I was crying for days, I couldn't sleep and could barely eat. My boyfriend was also in bits, he couldn't go to work and he couldn't sleep. He told me that he doesn't know what he was thinking, that he messed up big time and it's not how he was raised. He told me that it wasn't my fault and that he is messed up and he will get help, that he was struggling with his body image and was looking for validation, that he will never hurt me again if I have it in me to forgive him. I moved out of his place for a week or so to think about things and get myself together, because I was a mess. He was calling me and sending me paragraphs constantly, so I had to impose a no contact rule. I was so hurt because he knew I had been cheated on before and promised that he would never put me through that again. He also did all of this knowing I had booked an expensive holiday for us to go on in a months time.

    All things considered, I could see how sorry he was for his behaviour and how bad he wanted to fix things, so I decided to give him another chance. We put some rules in place - for example, I wanted to be there with him while we went out with his friends for the first couple of months and I wanted to be able to check his phone for the first month or two. He agreed to this and even did things I didn't ask for, like unfollowing/unfriending anyone he didn't consider a close friend. Things were going well and he was making an effort to help me fall back in love with him again, taking me out and treating me really well.

    From then until now, we've had a lot of good times and memories together but also a few rough patches. We went on the holiday I booked for us and had a great time together, full of so many memories. However, there's been some times where I've felt like I'm not able to trust him anymore and I can't help but think he's going to end up hurting me again. I always talk to him when I'm feeling like this and we work through it. I moved out at the start of October because I started my second year at university again, but we've made time to see each other through the weeks.

    There have been some issues that have came up which I've ended up getting really upset about. For example, he started liking a guys pics who's recently just broken up with his boyfriend and is looking for casual stuff. He never used to like any of this guys things, and the guy is exactly his type, so I told him I wasn't comfortable with it after everything that's happened and he said he would stop if it made me feel better. Well he liked another picture again recently and it just set me off thinking I wasn't being listened to. Also, I saw that he was talking to one of his gay friends as if he was single - saying things like "don't we all just want someone rich" and telling him who he'd be looking for on ######. It was hypothetical, but it doesn't make me feel great.

    I just feel like I'm nitpicking at him sometimes with little issues and I don't want to seem possessive, but I'm also just scared and worried in case he hurts me again. I want to be able to trust him again and go back to the way things were, but I still feel so betrayed and tell myself that if he did it once in such a malicious way, he can do it again. We have so many plans for the future and I really want to see things out and be with him for the long haul. Its just taking me so much to learn to fully trust him again, and I keep assuming that he's being sneaky (is he?). At the same time, we've been having a great couple of months - spending Christmas and New Years together, cooking for each other and everything has felt very intimate and caring when there is no arguing going on.

    I'm also very worried about when the bars and clubs start to reopen again. It seems as though he can't control himself after a drink sometimes, even though there's been plenty of times that he's drank and no cheating has happened. I just don't think I'm going to be able to trust him in a gay club full of intoxicated gay men looking for a hookup, like at all. To make things worse, all of his friends are still friends with the guy he cheated with. So they will all be going out together when we start to return to normal again - the thought of my boyfriend and him even being in the same room together makes me sick to my stomach, never mind in a club together under the influence of alcohol. He may have blocked this guy off social media but he can't block him out of his life when all his friends are close with him.

    Sorry for the lengthy post, I'm really stressing about everything at the moment. I'd appreciate any advice on where to go from here.

    Cheers!
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    Hi, welcome to EC. I am sorry that you have had to go through this.

    Your basic question after all of that is, can you trust him? Listen to that still small voice inside of you. Do you really feel safe with him? Do you feel deep inside that you can trust him? Or are you trying to talk yourself into it because you fear being alone or having to find someone else? Of the many regrets in my life a very big one is my tendency to ignore red flags and to ignore my instinct that someone is not safe for me, mostly out of fear of change or of being alone.

    If I found myself in such a situation I would simply cut him out of my life (my taking such an action is of course colored by the relationships that I have been in). He has repeatedly violated you, promised to not do it again, and then done it again. I think that you have given him more than enough chances. However, you have to make the decision for yourself. How many chances are you willing to give someone?
     
  3. mlansing

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    From an outsider’s perspective, it very much seems like he will hurt you again and continue to hurt you. The question I think you should be asking yourself is if that is a cost you are willing to pay to stay with him. There are no rules for being in relationships, only what we will or will not accept to be in one. Sending you hugs and support, because I know how hard it is.
     
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  4. Chip

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    Simple answer: No. He's repeatedly demonstrated that he doesn't value being faithful and doesn't care about the fact he's hurting you. If it were me, I'd be gone in a heartbeat.
     
  5. Adz6

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    Hi teaj
    I think it’s time for you to move on, from what i read in your post I don’t think he values you either
     
  6. Gleek99

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    UGH I just wrote a whole spiel and it freaking deleted because it didn't recognize that I was logged in. BDWA


    Anyways..

    I have the terrible habit of ignoring red flags too and didn't realize I was doing so until a certain person was out of my life. I now recognize that I do this and am working on myself to keep my expectations in line and not compromise myself for anyone. There ARE people out there who hold the same values as you. There is nothing wrong with having expectations! From what you wrote about this guy I see him (in regards to how he treats you) as a liar and manipulator. He's telling you what you want to hear to keep you around for whatever reason. I've seen this happen more than I'd like to and it makes me sad because (from what I've seen) it's super hard for people to get out of the cycle. It's like caffeine lol.
     
  7. Aspen

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    I think this is the most telling part. You say that he said that he would get help and that he wouldn’t hurt you again, but is he getting help? Is he working on himself and trying to be better? It sounds to me like you’re doing a lot of policing his behavior—and that’s not fair to you or your relationship. You don’t trust him, and for good reason. Unless he wants to work on changing himself, you aren’t going to be able to.
     
  8. Chip

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    Even if he wants to work on changing himself... as the therapist of a friend of mine once said "Do you want a boyfriend or a project?" And that really woke him up and made him realize that this relationship was not what he wanted, because he *didn't* want a "project."

    If you (OP) decided to stay, and even if he decided tomorrow to go get help... it's going to be a long, rocky, and pretty unfulfilling path to get to where you'd want to get. It will require a whole lot of work on his part, which is not pleasant or easy to do.

    And there's another piece of this to really give some thought to: No one who is emotionally healthy and has a strong sense of self and belief in their own worthiness would sit tight and hang on to a relationship where they're constantly being lied to and emotionally abused. The fact that you're willing to do this means there's something to look at within yourself: Do you believe you're worthy of a boyfriend who won't cheat on you, who will give you the attention and love and honesty you deserve? My guess is that some part of you does not... or else, you'd be more willing to simply up and leave this relationship.

    So... whether you stay or leave the relationship, you might owe it to yourself to really consider getting into therapy and doing some deep self-exploration on what's going on for you, and why you believe that you don't deserve any better than this.
     
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  9. JoanaPal

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    As for me would be better to start new relationships or be alone.
     
  10. Southpaw

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    This is all very sad. I agree with the comments above. He has had enough chances. I would dump him and if he really wants you he would do anything, walk on broken glass even, for you to take him back. I know why you want to keep giving him chances. Nobody wants to throw a good thing away over a few issues. But he has treated you really badly and here's why IMHO :

    He is hopelessly insecure. In you he found someone to validate him but then he took you for granted. The forays into explicit chats with other guys may only be something to stimulate him( but that he would never play out in real life) because it gives him further validation whilst knowing he always has you.

    But it's still betrayal of the worst kind. He doesn't deserve you whilst his behaviour is going unchecked and unchanged.

    The fact he made you a cake suggests he really does care about you but I think he's been taking you for granted too. Lay it on the line for him. Even if you secretly want to stay with him I would insist on getting out of each others lives for a few weeks. In that time you will gain a different perspective and he may wake up too! Of course, by then it may be too late for him and he will find he has blown it permanently.

    For any players out there : Don't be like this guy's partner. It's only yourself you are cheating. If you find a good man, you work to keep him. You never mistreat him. It will be your loss if you do.