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Can’t figure it out or reach self acceptance

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Rupert30, Jan 28, 2021.

  1. Rupert30

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    So I’ve posted a bunch on here in the past sporadically. It’s weird because I’m not sure my anxiety about my sexuality is really tied to other peoples view of me except for potential romantic partners or previous romantic partners. I know this is a long read but it’s been years of this and I need it to end.

    Basically the deal is, blow jobs, I like watching porn where a hot blonde girl is giving a blowjob and getting herself off to it. Now it’s the visual, the sound, etc - but I also am imagining what she is feeling and thus am more identifying with her role. To the point of where sometimes I feel like I’m doing what she is doing second hand or I need to actually go out and blow somebody to be sexually fulfilled completely. I’ve noticed there’s just an extra “edge” that this type of porn gives me. The weird thing is I can see women nude when I’m not watching porn and it doesn’t make me feel weird just slightly turned on - but if someone sends me something with a blowjob or I see it randomly I feel super uncomfortable and afraid.

    Here’s the problem, part of what makes it sexy is the girl - her expressions, face/body, horninees etc. but part of it is the idea of the feeling she’s having. I am unable to reconcile this in my brain in any meaningful way. I have gone out of my way to acclimate myself to the idea of giving a blowjob to a man - I have even done it three times over a span of a decade or so in order to “test” whether it’s my thing. But the truth is it’s always way too weird in person and isn’t quite the same thing I’m “feeling” when I watch these videos. Like my mouth feels like it’s watering or something when watching but in the actual circumstance it’s not totally the same.

    Another issue I have is I just can’t seem to wrap my head around viewing a masculine man that way or any guy - but I don’t want to feel tortured by these thoughts and feelings surrounding this. The anxiety, the repeated attempts to come to terms with it and inability to do so, makes me feel like I lack courage/am weak. And this is purely my thoughts, my struggles with my thoughts! I’m totally unable to enjoy them or have some sort of private rich gay fantasy life - anything that feels “gay” to me just makes me obsessed and anxious. It’s like I have this oral fixation that freaks me out and I can’t force myself to like men it just isn’t happening for me that way.

    One more problem is there’s this girl I really like, and I’ve made out with her a lot - which kinda gives me the feeling that watching blowjob porn gives me? Like I get super turned on kissing her - this has always been the case with kissing women like it makes me really horny and I’m not sure if it has something to do with this

    Then I see TV shows where people act normal in a heterosexual relationship - and I’m constantly like “do I relate to that?” I usually do but the thought itself spins me out - like there was a Seinfeld episode where he’s looking at this girl and then she’s ugly in certain light and not in others and I’m like have I experienced that? I think she’s attractive in both lighting circumstances does that mean I’m not straight? Why are my tastes different than the normal man? Why do I feel totally unworthy of hot girls and put them on these pedestals and am kinda submissive to them at first because I’m scared of them rejecting me? Why do I fear not being able to please them well sexually? Is it because I’m gay? And then I think what if I’m just living a completely soulless life that I could totally fix by just being gay? And if that’s the case why can’t I just get there? I’m sick of it. But I also can’t really picture myself falling in love or really doing much of anything with just a straight up guy in front of me.

    So as you can see, I’m having issues. I just don’t want to get involved with this girl super hard and then find out I have to be gay, I don’t want to continually wake up in dread of it either. Honestly at this point I’m not sure whether I’m stuck in this and am gay but can’t accept it, or that I can’t accept that I’m not gay at all in spite of the bj thing. Because from an objective view that seems gay to me. It’s like I have to find a way to completely rewire my brain in order to be gay, completely rewrite who I am - and that part freaks me out. The idea that I’m perceiving the world through a completely tainted and false lens freaks me out.

    I feel better writing this out, I feel like I need these ideas documented and communicated clearly in order to work my way towards the answer. Like I really wish there was some sort of fool proof test that could tell you someone was gay or not with certainty - I would take it immediately and proceed from there. But I don’t even know if opinions really matter here. Inevitably some will say I’m gay some will not and I’m in the same damn place I was before. I’m feeling a deep inferiority. But what can I do? I feel like I’ve tried every tactic therapies of various kinds, meds, telling myself I’m gay constantly, telling others I’m gay - doesn’t work - and no just taking it easy doesn’t help either I’m actually incapable of that.
     
  2. Rupert30

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    I’m just gonna keep my posts relegated to here so they don’t bother people.

    I met this girl and I’m like really really into her - the kissing is great but once we had sex I felt almost nothing and I was just so in my head I couldn’t orgasm (I stopped watching porn five days ago, I had sex with her two days ago) I had trouble getting hard even when we were about to have sex I kept losing my erection and had to like calm down and just make out with her before I got hard again. I really enjoyed the sex but I did not orgasm and this could be because I am gay?

    I hadn’t masturbated or been able to orgasm from thought alone the past five days (I’m also on meds I don’t know if that has anything to do with it). Anyway I had a dream last night where there was my friend and his girlfriend who I have had kinda a crush on - and she was talking about sex and she was like “I know you get dirty” to me and I was like thinking “I want to say I do but I’m starting to feel like I can only get turned on by guys or something” and then I had a part of the dream where I was like afraid but also aroused (unlike with girls) about the torso/lower half of a guy and I was like “fuck I guess I’m gay - it’s undeniable, now I have to change my entire life to suit this” and I was just in general freaking out and scared I was losing all attraction to women and had to be gay.

    Then I woke up and thought I needed to masturbate but without porn - and I tried to bring up images from the dream that I felt were turning me on but couldn’t become horny from them or whatever - and I tried to think of multiple scenarios with a guy that would get me off but couldn’t and ended up replaying a memory of when I was at a happy ending massage and this girl was whacking me off and talking dirty to me and then I orgasmed.

    I just don’t know how to fucking fix this in my brain and make it so A. I can enjoy the idea of being gay or B. actively be gay or C. Stop tripping about it or D. Enjoy being in the moment with this girl
     
  3. justaguyinsf

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    It sounds like you're straight but have HOCD, which as I understand it involves obsessive thoughts and fears that you may be gay even when you're not.
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    There is no such thing as homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder. They do not call it hand washing obsessive compulsive disorder, or turning off the stove obsessive compulsive disorder, or any other specific. If someone has OCD they have OCD period and it is treated in the same way no matter what they obsess over. There are therapies that help and it can be helped with medications. If this is an issue for anyone they need to seek out therapy and possibly a psychiatrist for medication.
     
  5. Rupert30

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    I can’t tell if I have OCD or not. I have been diagnosed as OCD but I have trouble believing it because it’s like what if that’s just a form a denial? Like why isn’t it like a normal OCD obsession? Like hand washing or cleanliness. I know I have OCD tendencies and stuff with ruminating circular thinking and being compulsive and obsessive about certain things but I’m not like obsessed with germs or any of that. I’m almost the opposite, I do not worry about germs or cleanliness at all really. Sometimes I’m completely ok with the idea of dying as well, but since this is about my sexuality it is much harder to figure out if it is real or not. I am on medication but it isn’t working as well as it used to - and therapy didn’t fix the issue, maybe I didn’t try hard enough but I still feel stuck in this loop. It’s hard to tell what is OCD and what isn’t. And it is truly torturous, I just want out of it.
     
  6. QuietPeace

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    No, the denial is you refusing to accept that you have OCD.

    Life does not work that way. If you could pick what you are obsessed over then you could also pick to not have OCD. If we could pick our problems wouldn't we just pick to not have problems? Also, OCD messes up your life, it being hand washing or cleanliness would interfere just as much as obsessing over this. Since this obsession is the one that you have you have no choice but to work with it (sorry, I have problems that I have to work with also and I do not like it any more than you like working with this).

    Therapy alone often will not fix the issue. If the medication once worked better the best thing for you to do is to contact your psychiatrist again and let them know that the medications are having reduced effectiveness. With psychiatric medications it is not uncommon to need to adjust them periodically.

    That is just the OCD lying to you. The way out is to adjust your medication and to work with a therapist.

    I do not have OCD but I do sometimes obsess over things that have happened to me. After you work with your psychiatrist on the medications and your therapist with specific things that might help OCD you might consider also trying mindfulness but do first work with your professionals they will know better how to help you.
     
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  7. justaguyinsf

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    There seems to be a phenomenon of some folks with OCD who obsess about their sexuality, from what I've read. I guess that HOCD is the shorthand way of referring to that phenomenon, just like one could use the acronym SOCD for stove obsessive compulsive disorder or HWOCD for hand washing obsessive compulsive disorder. Whatever you want to call it, it sounds like a significant struggle for some people.
     
  8. QuietPeace

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    Yes, OCD is a significant struggle for people who have it. However, the treatment is the same regardless of what the obsession is and to allow someone to think that theirs is special simply because of what they are obsessing over allows them to continue that obsession rather than working on treating it. The key is to treat the OCD in order to stop the obsessions, not to pay attention to what it is that is being obsessed over.
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Why would hand washing be any more or less normal than sexuality?
     
  10. quebec

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    Rupert30.....OCD manifests in many ways. We don't have a different name for different manifestations of OCD, it's all just OCD. I have OCD diagnosed by a therapist and a psychiatrist. I take some meds for it and continue to work on it with my therapist. It is not "cured". It is moderated and is usually under control...there are good days :old_smile: and not-so-good days. :old_frown: You need to talk to a professional about this. OCD can and will destroy your life. If left untreated it can literally take over your thoughts and prevent you from being able to accomplish almost anything.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #10 quebec, Feb 6, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2021
  11. justaguyinsf

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    I don't know where you got the idea that I ever suggested that any form of OCD be considered "special." I used the acronym HOCD because that's the acronym used by the professionals who treat people who obsess over whether they are homosexual (do a quick online search and you'll see). So if you don't like that term, then take it up with the professionals who use it in treating people. Sheesh.
     
  12. QuietPeace

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  13. Rupert30

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    Thank you for saying this. Makes me feel less alone to know how terrible this can be for others regardless of the subject matter - if that makes sense. The fact that it is to do with sexuality - I dunno sometimes it seems like it’s unique to me but I know ultimately that’s not the case. I just don’t hear this talked about as much so I begin to doubt it. I dunno it’s good to hear it can be largely overcome.
     
  14. quebec

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    Rupert30.....For sure OCD is not unique to you and I'm sure that others have had intrusive thoughts about their sexuality too. Actually, until you've confirmed it with a therapist and/or a psychiatrist you shouldn't convince yourself that you have OCD.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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