Here I am, looking over the recent activity on EC, feeling good in general about things, glad that it seems like I have a therapist lined up to coach me going forward, but still a little blue.... When my friend (yeah, that guy I have mentioned several times here on EC) calls me. I was shocked — he has never ever called me. We used to message (text, email) when we were regularly seeing each other, and still on occasion continue to text now and then, but mostly it’s been very random since his boyfriend came back into his life. Turns out, he’s trying to fix something at his house, didn’t know what to do, and thought of me (his Mr Fixit friend). So I talked him through the process. At least I’m still good for something in his life! Damn, I love this guy.
What a difficult space to be in! Still good for "something" but not good enough for what you really would like to engage. Sending hugs your way.
@JessNC — Thank you for your reply last week. Your words kept coming back to my mind off and on during the week: “What a difficult space to be in!” In my own thoughts, I have viewed my current situation as a kind of limbo at those times when I’m emotionally numb, or a kind of purgatory when I’m emotionally drained. No heaven and no hell. Yet, after all that I have been through in my whole life up to this point, I recognize familiar patterns in myself, and my gut, intuition, self, soul, heart (whatever label you care to use), that internal part of me prompts me to stay the course I’m on. I don’t know if this guy will ever be “the one” for me in a mutual relationship. At my age, I honestly cannot imagine meeting another guy who would bring out this sense of connection I have for this particular guy, but you never know. But one personality trait I have been blessed with is fortitude. I am on this journey and there’s no turning back.
You are most welcome, Old Tacoma. I've been away from EC for a bit. Wrestling with late in life transitions these days. I expect I have been wrestling with my gender and orientation issues most of my life but have managed to muddle through. Now that I am refusing to let my needs take a back seat to other priorities, it is quite a task allowing the new to take hold amidst the established patterns of the past. Hang in there as you weigh what matters and how to pursue it!
@old tacoma.....You know you never can tell what the future can bring your way! As you say you're on your journey...don't turn back. Hold your head up, smile and keep on keeping on!! .....David
@quebec — David, thanks. I read your reply just after my afternoon walk. Most days I walk only in the morning, but today was a tough one emotionally for me and I decided a second walk in the afternoon would probably help. And yes, I do remind myself to hold my head up as I walk. I learned a long long time ago from a zen master that, although superficial, the form of a task we do in fact influences the substance (quality) of the task itself, and the benefit we receive in return. My walking is, in a way, a gift from the friend that I speak of in my posts. He is the person who got me started, it was in the beginning another way to share time with him. Even after his old boyfriend returned into his life, and I was “put aside” as I called it, I would continue to see my friend maybe once or twice a week out walking, and we would walk together. This continues even now. I admit that these impromptu walks are occasionally difficult for me when I’m emotionally drained. But, as you suggest, I keep on keeping on. And along the lines of you never know about the future, out of the blue I have met a nice guy recently, with whom I have had some online chat over the past 6 months. I really have no idea how this will develop, but we seem compatible and I enjoyed meeting him. We met again a second time and he wants to meet again this weekend. Thanks again, David, for reaching out. I appreciate it!
