Hi everyone, So I just got to college only a week ago and it hasn't taken me long to realize just how conservative my hometown is. One of my roommates is also bisexual and with just the few conversations I've had with her I'm realizing a lot of the anxiety and fear I have regarding my attraction to girls might be related to trauma from my parents and childhood friends. I always thought my town was kind of middle-ground homophobia - not too bad. But I'm realizing that the way my friends and parents have been treating me is way more harmful than I've realized. My parents didn't respond badly to my coming out but they said a lot of the mediocre stuff and my mom sent me to therapy because she thought I had some trauma that caused me to think I liked girls. Not like conversion therapy but just a normal therapist who luckily wasn't homophobic but also didn't really get it. I've been dressing more how I want to after coming out to all my friends as well and my mom constantly comments on how she wishes I'd dress more feminine like my friends. My dad also mentioned a few times that he's not paying for my college for me to experiment and has already asked me three times in the past week if I'd met any boys yet. I'm kind of unloading but all of this has made me really self-conscious with dating. Now that I'm in college I'm actually going on ###### and talking to girls and it's scaring the shit out of me. I'm on ###### and even when I see a girl I like I'll immediately think of what my parents would think of her. I'll swipe right if she looks a little too masculine because when I came out to my dad he made me promise that I wouldn't date someone "butch" or turn out "butch". I just think about how disappointed they'd be if I brought her home. And I have always been a people pleaser especially when it came to my parents. This has lead me to be really uncomfortable with my sexuality and really fearful of dating. I sometimes think that my being uncomfortable means that I'm straight and I've tricked myself into thinking I'm bi. That's a genuine fear of mine that I'm actually straight and I just have this weird obsession with the lgbt community and all the time I've spent in the past five years thinking about it and going through a long coming out process have been for nothing. Sorry that was a crap ton of unloading but I'm really lost right now. If anyone has any advice on how to unpack any of this or start to deal with it. I know a lot of it is just that I need to give it time but any advice would be appreciated. Thank you if you took the time to read all of that. - nat
#1 You have to live for yourself and do what makes you happy. I understand small town USA, my parents went to a one room country school back in the day. I know it will be hard but the parents will have to cope. Give it time. You know how YOU feel inside and who YOU are attracted to, no amount of therapy will change that. dean
Sometimes it just takes parents some time to adjust and process the information. Hopefully as time goes on they will become more accepting. I'm at least glad to hear that the therapist is not using conversion tactics. It can be hard to be in a smaller community and coming out, so congrats on doing that
Difficult as it is, you can't live your life trying to please people. If you do that, you wind up sacrificing pieces of yourself, of your needs and wants until eventually, there's not much left of what makes you, you. The bisexual imposter syndrome is pretty common amongst bisexuals, and in your case, likely born of your parents constantly undermining and second-guessing your orientation. I.e. your father insisting you never bring home a butch woman, that your parents aren't paying for college for you to experiment (would they have said the same about you if you were just straight? Because last I checked, college is a time of finding one's self for a lot of people, and not just sexual orientation-wise). I think your roommate has the right of it; your parents haven't helped in this regard, and that's a shame. It might scare you, but I think now is the time to stand firm in your convictions. You are bisexual--it's not the whole of you, but it is a part of you, and one your parents are going to have to get used to. You have the capacity to date either men, women, or whoever; just because you can date men, doesn't mean you're obligated to settle down with one if your heart is pulling you in the other direction. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, and you don't need to justify your feelings or choices. I hope you're able to flourish, in spite of your parents' less-than-stellar responses.
