How much of gender identity comes down to looks? How much does it matter?

Hello all!

As I get older, sometimes I rue the fact that I have such a distinctly masculine body. From the (quite thick) body hair, to even some light hair loss in front and back, as I get older, my desires to dress more gender neutral seem to be drifting further away, as it seems like fashion is best suited for the young and androgynous, and it feels more and more out of place, (or even inappropriate) for me to even try.

But then I was wondering, because I've always thought that behaviorally, men and women have a ton of overlap, and if looks weren't considered, I could see similar personalities acting mostly the same regardless of gender.

So how much of gender identity is simply about looks?

And when those looks fade, when we all get old and wrinkly, and we aren't trying to find mates, how much do looks matter as we get older?

Moreover, how much did it matter in the first place?

Even if I had certain experiences and avenues of expression closed off to me in life, I wonder whether I'm really missing anything important. I generally am surrounded by people who are open to deep thoughtful conversation and are fine with expressing emotions, so I don't feel like being a man really impacts my ability to express my feelings much, but maybe just prevents me a little from being as close or "touchy-feely" as I might otherwise be. Since I never felt that I could express or embody any sort of beauty or specialness through my looks, I sought to focus on my mind.

Anyway, I digress, the question is really about how important "looking like you want to" really is, and how important it remains to people over time.

 

Thank you for your kind answer and taking the time to read my post. As my thirties are right around the corner and people I know are getting married, I worry sometimes about my worth and why I have been alone for so long. Things like my looks frequently come to mind, even though I know it's not the most important thing. Sometimes I wish people weren't so distant and it was easier to really get to know someone.

I'm studying in college, and as an older student I see so many of the people around me and they look beautiful and young, but this time around, I feel like an outsider. As if I'm too old to be of interest. I don't know how I look to their eyes, but mentally, I feel older, more mature than a lot of them, yet, no more secure (career-wise) or further along in my life than them.

I'm tired of worrying about being left behind relationship wise. Of being lonely into old age. I really long for the intimacy of another human. I want to be seen and understood. But I don't want to jump into things if they don't feel right. But things haven't felt right for almost a decade. No matter where I go and who I see, I see people who make fine acquaintances, but never someone who I want to be in a relationship with.

A relationship is something I want, but something I'm not sure I'm ready for. And I worry that if I keep waiting for the right person to come along, I'll be waiting forever, but I don't want to hastily settle for someone who isn't right. And I'm terrified, with such high rates of divorce these days, of committing to a relationship for so long and just having the other person, even years into the thing just... change their mind.

 

"But that doesn't mean you're a grandpa," - That made me laugh. You're right. I think I was doubling down on the doom and gloom a bit. Things probably aren't so bad. Seeing a therapist would probably be good. Internet dating seems kind of daunting, but maybe I should look into it.

Thanks for your reply! It makes me feel a bit better. I'll try and look on the bright side while keeping open to opportunities. Sometimes I forget how young I am in the big scheme of things, and have to remind myself that I still have the rest of my life ahead of me.

I guess it's better to appreciate what you do have than waste your life mourning what you don't.
It was good to hear some outside perspectives, thank you everybody for your feedback!