I've been reading posts (mostly in this forum) since October, but this is the first time I've been brave enough to post! So grateful for the EC community. I'm a 45 year old woman, married, two kids (18 and 14). Five years ago, I came out to my husband as Bi. He was angry then didn't speak to me for a few days. (He never spoke to me about it again except for one, huge argument when I was almost and accidentally outed publicly.) I was a year sober at the time with no job and younger kids, so I went back into the closet and tried to make our marriage work. Last summer, I reached a breaking point and told him I don't want to hide anymore. I started into the process of sorting out my sexuality, arriving now at a decent place of comfort that I'm lesbian. I mean no disrespect to people who are Bi. At the time, I didn't know any other way to explain how I could be attracted to women but be married to a man for 20+ years. I've since learned about compulsory heterosexuality, which definitely resonates. I grew up in a place (not family though) where there were dire, potentially life threatening consequences for coming out beyond the cool girlfriend who looks at Hustler with her boyfriend. My husband is hurt. We're planning to divorce when I have a job and we know about our oldest's financial situation with college. For the most part, things are peaceful right now, but when we argue, he accuses me of lying to him and using him for the past 24 years. How do I explain it to him? How do I explain it to me? I get it from an intellectual viewpoint, but how do I explain what my heart felt? I really did want our marriage to work for so many years even though I always felt off. I haven't explicitly told the kids yet (although I'm nearly certain they know)... how do I explain that our family wasn't a lie? Based on my addiction/recovery experience, I know denial can be strong, but this strong? To shut down such a huge, fundamental part of myself?
Welcome to EC, glad you feel comfortable to come out of lurking mode, K80outloud! My wife called our marriage a lie when I came out as bisexual. It was devastating for me to hear, as I very much love her and the memories we have built together. I don’t know what exactly changed things for her, my words may have helped (“I love you. It isn’t a lie. Our marriage is real”) but a bigger part of it might have been her looking through an old box of photos from when we were dating, and engaged, and our wedding rehearsal dinner. She saw how we were together. Maybe your husband needs a reminder of the good times, but only he would know what would bring him back to that sense. I have always held that none of my relationship with my wife was a lie. I’ve used words to express my love, and joy, and attachment. I told the kids that out of the whole world I chose her. In my case, being bisexual, I can still express that with my body as well. I’ve met (in person) a handful of gay guys who truly love their wives, though those wives may be the only exception to their attraction to men. One of them monogamous like me, the others having negotiated open relationships of some sort. I’ve met the divorced ones too, who look back and say they really did love their wives, but realized that their fullness of being came with relationships with men. Plenty of folks here on EC, as you’ve seen in your lurking, come to the point where you are and there is no one way to get to the right place going forward - only you know that, though EC folks can show you what worked (or tripped up) for themselves.
Hi K80, welcome! Oh, my heart hurts for you. What a difficult, and sadly commonplace, situation. I will say that heterosexual people (not all, but generally a lot) have very little understanding of the experience and spectrum of sexuality, especially, as you pointed out, compulsory heterosexuality. I never was married to a man, but went through a similar experience with the man I had dated for 4 years who wanted to marry me. When I came out at first, I came out as bisexual to him. I think I really did believe I was, though only due to compulsory heterosexuality. I grew up essentially in a Catholic cult-like environment, and to be LGBT+ of any form would be quite dangerous, so I understand you there. When I ended things and came out as gay, he was really hurt. He thought I hid it from him, when reality was, I really just thought all women were disgusted by male anatomy and kissing them (apparently not!). What I did was, I gave him some online resources on compulsory heterosexuality and sexuality generally and took a communication break from him. In your case, this is harder with having kids with him, but my guess is that, even though things are peaceful, his wounds are fresh and sting, which is why he lashes out. In this state, he is unlikely willing to see your side. My only advice would be to give him some resources, and then not engage with him on the topic. Something I've had to come to terms is with is that you (unfortunately) have little control over peoples' feelings and reactions, even where you're trying your best not to hurt them. You could explain everything to him, and still have him angry and not understanding. You have come to your truth and been honest with him, and sadly, you may have to accept for yourself that he will always think you lied to him. But, by giving him some material about how people come out later in life without really knowing before, it may make him (and you) feel better. But, like I said, you may have to make peace with the fact he may never accept that you didn't know. I still struggle to make peace with the fact that members of my family want me in hell, but that's there life, and I have mine, and I refuse to allow them to have control over a happy future. You are still knee-deep, as it would seem, but in the future, it does get better, I promise. I hope things get better soon on both ends. I'm sorry that I can't be of more help.
Oh K80 my heart goes out to you! I have nothing to add to eismeister's wise words except to send out love and strength to you. There is no getting around the fact that in the short term this will be painful, for both of you. But in time things will be ok and your future will be brighter and happier. Beth
Love the term. Will write this one down. So funny and so true. In a nut shell you are in a battle of the mind - raw human emotion vs. logic. Each of these two functions have their respective areas in the brain. Emotion trumps logic pretty much all the time. What has to happen is to turn on logic function. How? Sit down, calm down and talk and educate. They know. Kids are smart. Damn smart. Yes. Yes. Not at all surprising. There are five fundamental psychological functions of the brain - I have read per two sources. Anger, fear, sadness, joy, shame. What you are experiencing as told above, is shame. Shame cuts to the core of your being.
I remember my hands were shaking on the keyboard when I finally registered here...why was I so scared to register at an anon keyboard? Because I finally started to face myself! I am not married or with a family, so I don't have any experience with this, all I can do is say I am sorry you are going through it. I can say though,that despite having girlfriends and being able to occasionally enjoy sex with women, for some reason the 'bi' label just didn't work for me either, but we were trying to 'like' or act like we were heterosexual. Well, denial, in a sense was lying to ourselves- but I think 'repression' is what occurs in combination of it, and these two things can be very very very strong. I convinced myself I wasn't gay, it was just some weird kink, but now looking back, I also realized I would quickly 'shut down' any attraction I had for men in real life... The more I came here and wrote, read, reflected, and finally allowed myself to 'look' at men 'that' way the denial became more apparent. So yes, it can be that strong.
I think one of the best ways to start to heal from a conflict like this is to admit the part that you believe is your responsibility. I think "lie" is a harsh and untrue word here, so I wouldn't use it. Maybe something like you kept something important about yourself from him, but that it didn't diminish your love for him or your children and family. Say how truly sorry you are and that you'll do everything you reasonably can to make things right. He's hurt, so he wants to strike out at you. Don't accept his characterization of you ... just keep repeating the facts that you know over and over again along with repeated apologies. Eventually he'll calm down I suspect.
Thank you for so many heartfelt words! I haven't been able to respond for a couple of days, but I have been able to read everyone's comments. They've been comforting. Funny you suggested this. Tonight he started looking through old pics of us and the kids. We shared some good laughs, some none of us remembered. It reminded me how hard I did try for our relationship but that life happens (there's forces beyond our control contributing to our divorce too) and we all do the best we can with what we have or know in the moments we're in. brainwashed: yes, the kids are smart. Tonight, in the midst of conversation the 14 year old said, "You can be married [to another gender] and gay!" Yeah. They know. And, what I've been feeling IS shame. It's insidious and subtle sometimes. I think this is exactly what happened for me too. A few weeks ago I almost texted a gay friend of mine to ask her if I was really allowed to look at other women that way! I still have a hard time believing that it's ok to just be me. The more I settle with it though, the more I feel normal and comfortable. It's funny how I can't remember the last time I felt ok in my own skin. Giving myself permission to feel whatever I do... I never knew this is what normal feels like. It's exciting!! I've been doing this, and it seems to help. He keeps saying he's just in shock. I don't believe I kept things from him... told him about my orientation once I understood there was something to tell, which was five years ago. It didn't go well, so I went back into the closet and ignored it. Last year, I couldn't do it anymore. He very much didn't want me to be out five years ago and is struggling with it now. He calms every so often, but the times when he's activated? It's really painful. I do my best to own my part, which is that I could've taken more of a stand five years ago. Our family was going through a tough time then so don't know how realistic that would've been. In the end, maybe we're both doing the best we can.
eismeister, thank you for your post. I relate to so many things you said! I grew up Irish Catholic and went to parochial school for nine years. I completely understand the danger of even hinting at being out in an environment like that. Wearing shoes that were too weird (teacher's words) almost got me suspended... It just wasn't a safe environment. I had the same thought on the other side of the coin. Thought all women fantasized about kissing other women! Same... apparently not! I was genuinely surprised when I found out. Hmmm.... You're right that I have no control over other people's reactions or feelings. I've done my best to point him to resources and explain my personal experience. That seems to help some. Then, I don't engage with him about it. He'd be happy if I just stopped making a big deal and kept the "status quo" (the marriage, the living arrangement, the lifestyle and money). His words. I'm very much in the thick of it because I need something different. It's hard coming to terms with the fact that I'm hurting him, but the damage to me has become unbearable. I can't hide anymore letting the world assume I'm straight when it's just not true. Guess there's always been a part of me that's known it, but it's taken so much to get to a place of acceptance. It helps tremendously to hear that it gets better. I feel like I'm in the middle of a storm right now and can't see the sun through the clouds. I appreciate your words of hope!
[QUOTE="K80outloud, post: 6723153, member: I'm very much in the thick of it because I need something different. It's hard coming to terms with the fact that I'm hurting him, but the damage to me has become unbearable. I can't hide anymore letting the world assume I'm straight when it's just not true. Guess there's always been a part of me that's known it, but it's taken so much to get to a place of acceptance. It helps tremendously to hear that it gets better. I feel like I'm in the middle of a storm right now and can't see the sun through the clouds. I appreciate your words of hope![/QUOTE] This describes exactly how I felt, I no longer wanted to pretend I was straight. My voyage of discovery led me to the fact that despite years of living as a heterosexual in fact I was not. At the beginning I fought the idea of it and decided I was bi. But in short order I came to the realization I was a gay man. Calling myself bi would be another lie and I didn’t want to pretend any longer. Once I admitted to myself I was 100% into men life became easier. I started to unpeel years of frustration and start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Out for over 3 years now and leaving my heterosexual life behind was the best thing I ever did for my psychological, physical and emotional health. I don’t know what took me so long to embrace my homosexuality.
When I finally let myself think about being with a guy romantically and sexually, I was like WOW, this must be how straight people feel when they think about the opposite sex! It also made me realize how much I was trying to force something with women that just wasn't there.
[QUOTE="out2019, post: 6723182, member: It also made me realize how much I was trying to force something with women that just wasn't there.[/QUOTE] This was exact how I felt once I was honest with myself.
Even though I'm not divorced yet and am not able to live completely openly yet, I feel this happening in small ways. It feels like the snowball is starting to roll downhill. Guess that means maybe it'll pick up speed and weight as it goes?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. There really isn't much I can say that hasn't been said already, but this: Don't be too hard on yourself. You did the best you could with the circumstances you had, and you're trying to do what's right now. And what's right is seldom easy, often difficult, and can be painful for all involved. But such is the nature of change. I hope with time, your husband reaches a point where he can accept this, and when he does, understands that you didn't do any of this to hurt him. That it's every bit as difficult for you. Keep your chin up. Things will get better.
Some people have talked about the 'roller coaster' of coming out. lots of thrills, lots of scary stuff- it may be challenging but we don't feel 'frozen' anymore. In short we have embraced our true selves Sometimes it can feel like you're losing control but really you're gaining it!
Hi @K80outloud and welcome to EC. I’m sorry that you’re in a difficult place right now, but as others have said, you are not alone and it does get better. I don’t think that there’s much more to say with regards to your initial question. You’ve had a lot of great replies here already. I have been in a similar position to you (though I’m not out to my ex) and as @BiGemini87 said, I think you just have to remember that you did your best with the knowledge that you had at the time. I was very unhappy in the last 3/4 years of my relationship with my ex, but there were a lot of genuinely happy moments before then. With time, I hope that your husband can find acceptance and that you can co-parent well together. I hope that you continue to find EC helpful. This forum helped me hugely as I navigated the process of leaving my ex.
It does feel like I’m not in control, but that also feels like an echo of how I’ve lived for the last five years especially (out to husband but feeling like I should live in shame.) When I step back, I see how much more control I have. It took a while to find the courage and self-acceptance to take steps to live openly. Now, the choices I’m making are mine, and that’s worth so much! Thank you for all the responses here. This forum has been so supportive and helpful in sorting out all my feelings and the details of life. I appreciate your direct responses too. I feel accepted without conditions. Much gratitude!
I came out late in life. (47yo) And it's been 15 whole months since i told my wife. Our circumstances are different, of course. We were already split up and I was living on my own. But, the hardest thing was that I didn't want to hurt her. And it took months of therapy for me to accept who i am. It's hard to go against a mind set that you spent half your life following. I was ready for the hurt, the accusations and the anger. It didn't happen. I was lucky. She hugged me and told me she didn't regret any of our life together. But, i knew she needed time to accept it. I asked her, recently, how she's doing with it. She told me that she'll think about it and be, "WTF! How is he gay?!? How'd i miss it?". But, then feels happy for me. Again, we have a different relationship. But, i never lied to her about my feeling for her. And as for the lie of my sexuality, i gave that lie to both her and me. There's still shame. I won't lie. Not for being gay, but for not being honest sooner. But, it was also pointed out that we have a great son from out marriage. And was was born from love. Not from a lie. I don't know. Maybe everything, really, does happen for a reason. I wish you nothing but the best and you have all the love i can give as you go thru your journeys. Your journey and your husband's. Hugs
