I feel like my coming out and acceptance of myself has been like a giant ship changing course, the change has been imperceptible, glacial, and sometimes it seemed like I was back tracking or making no progress. But recently I have feeling that I have accepted myself permanently, that I am not going back into denial that I am only going forward. I feel 'normal' about being gay. I still have a way to go about coming out IRL, but I feel like the change is permanent. This is important for me because I have gone in and out of denial for the past few years. Usually I had about a month 'gay' and a few months of denial but i have been steadily 'gay' for well over six months now!
Good for you!!! We all have our own timeline. It helps so much to live in a city with a gay community.
out2019.....Congratulations! ***YAY*** ***YAY*** ***YAY*** ***YAY*** Even though the change seems, as you put it...."glacial"...it is still change and in the right direction. The old Chinese proverb says; "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step". You've taken that step and after this, each step becomes just a little easier! Don't forget to lean on us here at Empty Closets when the path gets rough...we will always be here for you. .....David
That’s great, @out2019. I can relate to the process you have described - going backwards and forward between “I’m gay” and “I can’t be gay”, until “I’m gay” eventually sticks. I’m pleased for you that you’ve reached this point.
Interesting how you described it, I was drifting back and forth for so long hanging on to the old me, maybe afraid to let go a bit, I think what held me back was being in a relationship with someone and thinking maybe I would change my mind again at some point and not be gay but bi. But after a few years of feeling more like being a friend and not having any interest in her or other women other than aesthetically has solidified any doubts of where my heart and body belongs, to a man. I don't think of a her now when I see my future, I see a him, even though I don't have a him yet. Maybe that won't happen any time soon, but I guess I would rather be alone and available than doing something that holds me back. I am not out either and don't know that I will to the public, but that could and probably will change when I meet a potential partner and am not just fooling around with random men casually. I guess for me it's too much energy to deny any more I'm not questioning or just figuring it out, my mind and body tell me what I want subconsciously and outwardly and I'm not so scared of losing something I had in the past that is not inside me any more. It's good to be able to be honest after the long voyage of getting here and after not knowing where "here" was all those years.
I know the feeling when it finally sinks in and stay in that your gay. It is such a wonderfully liberating experience. For me no longer feeling any attraction towards women cemented the feeling of freedom from my heterosexual past. I started to accept that seeing another man as an object of emotional and sexual desire was completely normal and right. Frankly coming to terms with being a homosexual was exciting, enlightened and provided the peace I was missing.
Yes! at some point the going back and forth just gets exhausting. Yes I think it was just me being afraid to let go of that identity. The same way people are afraid to leave abusive relationships because it's all they know. I can start living my life instead of fighting myself. Yes! I never thought I would be HAPPY about that but I realize that I was just trying to force it, I can now admire women as beautiful but don't sit there angst filled that I don't get sexually arouse.
Looking back, I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I had to do a lifetime of de-programming and denial. I still want to get into therapy to keep the change going. I remember those awful 'i can't be gay' stages, I was so miserable and so terrified of being gay. I can honestly say now i am HAPPY to be gay. I still have some shame to deal with but the only fears I have now are going back into denial.