Hi there friends, haven’t been here in a bit. I’m wondering if anyone can tell me some thoughts on what I can even think to do in this situation... For anyone who doesn’t know me or remember my backstory, I’ve been out for almost 6 years, I’ve been separated from my ex-husband nearly 5 and I had a long term relationship with a woman who I moved in with and was with for almost two years right at the beginning of the separation. At this stage I’m now I’m living on my own a few blocks away from my daughter’s dad and we are coparenting her, she is 8, she lives half the time with me, half with her dad. My daughter and I are really happy In our home life and she is thriving at this stage after all of these changes that have happened but it was a journey getting to that sense of calm for us. She and I have a really close bond and I love our home and our new family dynamic feels warm and happy. She also has a happy space with her dad in his place, he is with a new partner now and they have a baby. I’ve been dating someone now as well for 8 months. They (they’re nonbinary) are really excited about the fact that I’ve got my daughter and they really like the idea of being part of our family if we continue to move forward together as a couple. They know my daughter and my daughter is lukewarm on them at this point, which I think seems normal. She does interact happily with my partner but my daughter is really protective of my daughter’s time with me. For this reason, I rarely have my partner over when my daughter is home. We have spent meaningful time together, for instance going away overnight camping, my partner has stayed over a handful of times in the summer when my daughter was home, maybe 5 or 6, we’ve gone out on day trips here and there and did some Christmas things together. also my partner regularly leaves their dog or cat here to be withMy daughter because my kid loves them to pieces. I have said that if we have a future together I see us getting closer for sure and obviously living as a family if that’s where we’re headed down the line. My partner finds this situation hard, I do understand their feelings but it’s wearing down on me a lot to be honest. It follows a cycle. They get upset and say it hurts so much. They feel not included. They feel like I don’t want them to be around when my daughter is there, They leave before she arrives and arrive after she leaves, that they feel like a secret (?) which honestly boggles my mind because obviously they’re clearly not, everyone knows we’re together including my daughter, they say they think what if something big happened like their dad passes away or they get ill (they even felt like I wasn’t there once when they were not well, because they were going through temporary pain and needed to be in bed and it was a day my daughter was here and frankly I find that hard to really resonate with me because I lie in bed I’ll many times with no one doing a thing to help and that’s a luxury as a parent to get to lie down when I’ll to be honest, usually I can’t lie down, being alone means I am able to lie down). then the cycle moves on to, I understand of course why you make whatever decisions you need to make and I fully support those decisions. Then it moves onto them being totally chill about it and then suddenly we’re back to it hurts so much. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know the lesbian stereotypes and by those stereotypes 8 months means we could have u-hauled by now...but by the standards of a parent, his is EARLY days and my kids is super involved with them by my perspective. It is actually wearing me really thin because there is nothing else I will do in this area other than exactly whatever I need to do for my daughter. I cannot have this conversation over and over. It’s causing me so much emotional overload and feels really upsetting. I have said if this is how it is perhaps we’re not compatible but they say well it will change in time. Yes it will, as long as they are my partner of course there will be more closeness. But it will go at the pace I decide as my instincts for my daughter show me what feels right. It just feels like enormous pressure and I don’t know what to do. I do on the other hand understand their perspective and so of course I’m trying to be sensitive to that. does anyone have any thoughts?
Hi baristajedi, There are many articles written about single moms having to balance child’s needs with new relationships. I won’t repeat that stuff, because I think I hear something else. Do you feel responsible for everyone’s feelings? I ask because you note this is wearing you thin. I tend towards this, and it is only healthy to a certain extent. Caring about the people I love is fine, but owning their pain is not. So what I say is a message to myself that might apply in some general way to you. I have been trying to remember to reflect back in my words, with empathy, such as “I hear your frustration” (or “feel your sadness coming through”) and then ask “is there more?” I don’t try to one-up (“well I feel pretty bad too!”), or own their feelings (“oh, what can I do to make you feel better” - this is the hardest one for me to avoid). If I mess up on this I start feeling put-upon, resentful even. The other thing I was advised by a therapist is to make a list of all the good things I like about the other person, or what we enjoy together. That reminds me in my moments of feeling overburdened by their emotions that I really do care for them and want more of what feeds the good feelings. I hope this helps!
Hi baristajedi, great to see you back! This is such a difficult situation. A couple of questions - you say your daughter is 'lukewarm' about your partner. When you are all together as a family, do they (your partner and your daughter) interract together? Is there the beginnings of a step-parent - child relationship there? Or do you feel there is resentment from your partner towards your daughter and the time that you (quite rightly) protect as mother-daughter time? From what you've written it sounds like your partner feels a little shut out. The other thing is how do you see the relationship between you and your partner developing? Do you love them? It sounds like they like being part of a family - can you see them moving in with you both at some point? Would you like this? I was in a similar situation with my late partner a few years back. I was introduced to her son after six weeks of us dating and from a few months in the three of us started to go on days out as a family. I moved in after nine months and we lived an incredibly happy life together until February last year when my partner died suddenly. I was lucky in that from the get-go her son was open to a relationship with me and my partner encouraged this - she was referring to me as his 'step father' (I still thought I was male back then) within a few months. Even when I moved in there were things that they (mother and son) did together that I wasn't a part of, but I was perfectly ok with that. I knew that that time was sacred and equally there would be time that me and partner spent together as adults - after he went to bed or on weekends when he was at his birth dad's. I hope you can find a way round this. I quickly discovered that whilst being in a relationship involves compromise, being in a relationship with someone with a child involves even more compromise. But I never minded that - the love and fulfilment you feel by stepping into a step parent role wholeheartedly is incredible. Beth
I do not know what advice to offer, as I am faced with a comparable dilemma in which I am not enough. All I can say, Baristajedi, is that - as a parent - what you say resonates with me. A lot. X
Hello again, baristajedi, We came out around the same time, and I don't come here a great deal these days either. When I read your post, I found myself wondering how old your partner is, and whether they have ever dated someone with kids before (I am assuming they have no kids of their own). After I separated from my husband, my first female partner was similar age to me (late 50s), but had never had children, whereas I have one son, now 34, who is on the autism spectrum. At that point he was living with his father, and I was spending one full day a week with him, in addition to living in occasionally (on average for a week every couple of months) when his dad went away for a break. He now lives in his own place, with support. In the beginning she appeared very understanding, and said she would never intrude on our time together, but as time went by she became increasingly antagonistic towards him (he had refused to meet her, which was partly down to thinking his dad wouldn't like it, and partly because, like many autistic people, he is highly resistant to any form of change). She became obsessed with what would happen if he ever had to move in with me, and tried to encourage me to stop seeing him regularly. In the end, we split up for other reasons (I discovered she was arranging to go on holiday with her ex without me). There were a couple of issues at play here. One is that, in retrospect, I can now see I tried to introduce them too soon, causing my son to kick back, and the other is that her childhood circumstances and upbringing meant that she was a highly insecure person, and very controlling. The point I am making is that someone can have every good intention of fitting in with a lifestyle that incorporates their partner's child, and in their head the prospect can be anything from tolerable to seriously appealing, but in practice they find they can't cope with it. Right from the start, I made a conscious decision that I would not date a partner with children still at home, because I felt I was barely coping emotionally with all the repercussions of not coming out until I was 55, and I would struggle to cope with the additional responsibility. So I dated a woman with no children, who said she was totally cool with my situation, but she nevertheless really struggled. Second time around, I learnt from my previous experience, and am now in a relationship with a woman several years older (I am 60, she is 65), who has a son almost the same age as mine, who also has autism and lives with his dad. She is planning to move closer to me, but we will still retain our own places rather than moving in. This is partly because she has been on her own for a great many years, and thinks she would struggle to live with someone now, but also because it gives us greater flexibility for the future, if either of our sons ever had to move back in, and makes inheritance issues less complicated. However, it has taken a whole year of getting to know each other inside out, and frequent talking sessions about our hopes, family circumstances, retirement finances, health, and goodness knows what else, to reach this point. If your partner is the sort of person who is open to regular talking sessions where you discuss how things are going between you, give each other feedback on your own feelings, listen to the other, and can suggest compromises without fear of being shouted down, or somebody storming off, it should ultimately become clear which way is best for you both. 8 months is quite a short period of time, particularly where children are involved. If she would be open to the option of couples counselling if that should ever become necessary, that is also good. Unfortunately my first partner fell at the first hurdle, because she was very uncomfortable with discussing any problems in our relationship, and the only two options she knew were ignoring things until they got too big to ignore, and then becoming angry and defensive. My current partner and I have many more complications to overcome, but we have each learned over the course of our lives the skills needed to talk, listen, negotiate and compromise, and that makes all the difference
