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That famous moment when you realize it and where to start

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by IneInLP, Jan 10, 2021.

  1. IneInLP

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    So here is the thing, i am 40+ (ok, let’s spit it out, I am 42, not sure when or how that happened but it’s about time to come to term with age and embrace it, guess am getting wiser somehow - def later in life applies here). As most single people living alone, i have spent a lot of time by myself during these past few months (blame it on covid possibly) and therefore i did a lot of introspective research about how I got where I am now (mostly trying to realize why I am 40+ and single after spending the last 20 years of my life trying to make things work with these two guys, one after the other, not both at the same time).

    So there I was, one normal day during Christmas break, windy outside, not really fancy going out, not in the mood for a heavy movie, i stumbled upon this teenage series about super heroes (the exact kind of no brain, non-sense I needed) and there I am trying to make sense of the aliens, the different universes, whatever really...and in the middle of all these superpowers, and all the BOOM, SPAM, BAM, BANG...i hear this coming-out speech, absolutely honest and flawless... and suddenly realized it. It was about me, it was the words i was unable to tell myself, even less telling them out loud. So there i was with this new realization that came out of the blue and that i couldn’t forget. And there was no fear, i think i felt some kind of relief to be honest. So then i went on to the next logical step (although i guess that was logical only in my mind) and started to watch all possibly available lesbian love stories to see if they made any sense...in a few days i went through a variety of movies suggested in LGBT+ websites as the ‘best lesbian love stories’ (with an happy ending, as i was in no need for drama). I have to say I quite enjoyed most of them. I found they made total sense and realized that you can be the L world or you can be Imagine me and you, as much as hetero can be very love story or very eyes wide shut (I am not sure i am making myself clear here).

    I was born and raised in a small town, I am not sure I have ever thought I had the option of being different until I turned 17, met a girl that said she wanted to kiss me (and i guess i wanted to kiss her too but just didn’t have it in me to understand what was going on and run away from the most intimate moment i had ever had until that point in my life...i have never been an early starter when it comes to matters of the heart or sex for that matter), and then completely shut that part of myself out. I did get a lot of comments later on in life, from people i did not know very well, saying they thought i was gay. I always assumed it was because of the way i dress, i do prefer to wear jeans and snickers and t-shirts...not the fancy, make up kind of person.

    I am rumbling on here, i guess the point of writing all this is just to have it down in my own words. So here I am, with all this new world that i would like to explore but with so many questions...the most important of all...where to start? I mean it is not like i suddenly fell in love or felt something for some other woman. It was more of an internal trip. And all of a sudden i am a teenager again with all those questions and insecurities...but at the same time with the kind of confidence and clarity of mind that comes later in life when you have already passed through, experienced and in certain cases survived a variety of events. So what do I do now? I live in a place with limited social contacts in normal times, but even less now. I have so many questions. Is it unusual? Anyone going through the same kind of experience? I mean I am not even looking into labelling or ways to tell others, i am at that stage where i would like to really talk things with someone else first and try to get some clarity (do i t?)...ha, confused but strangely happy. Am I going mad?
     
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  2. Really

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    Hello and welcome to EC!

    You’re not going mad and you’ve come to the right place. Lots of similar stories and excellent support here. No need to figure this all out right this second. Take your time. You’ll get there. :}
     
  3. IneInLP

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    Thanks, it's one step at the time, right? I am more puzzled by this feeling of lightness all of a sudden, like a major grey cloud finally moved away.
     
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  4. Really

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    Yes. That’ll happen when things finally start to make sense and become so much clearer.
     
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  5. Adz6

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    IneinLP.
    You mentioned ‘like a grey cloud has lifted” that is exactly how I felt. It is an amazing feeling when the cloud lifts
     
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  6. IneInLP

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    indeed! it is a great feeling! Can I ask what you did next? I am not sure what to do now...can I ask if you finding out was related to meeting someone or, as is (i think) in my case, just more of a realization unrelated to anything happening in my life?
     
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  7. Contented

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    Meeting someone opened my eyes to my sex sex attraction and the lie I had been living for a long time. Once I acknowledged to myself I was gay it was if a giant cloud had lifted and things began to make more sense. I felt an incredible sense of liberation and freedom in embracing my homosexuality. In addition as became more and more comfortable with my true sexuality life became more exciting and much more enjoyable. Sure there were bumps along the way and some pretty big ones but it was all so so worth it.
     
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  8. IneInLP

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    haven't met anyone yet, it was one of those woow moments when you hear something and you understand it is you...and suddenly everything becomes crystal clear, all the fighting, the depression, the anger...i have been avoiding love/relationships for a while now but i believe now that i was avoiding it just because it was not with the right gender...i am now really looking forward to meet someone new and give love another chance. it is really eye opening reading all the posts and the stories here. Wish I had known about this website and about myself a lot earlier but as past can't be changed, better start now living the new present...
     
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  9. Adz6

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    Hi again ineinLP.
    Thanks for the question. ‘I’m still very much in the closet and no, I haven’t met anyone. My grey cloud lifted when I decided I had had enough of fighting my gay self denial.
    I decided one day to except who I was and enjoy who I am.
    By that simple self gesture my whole outlook on life changed.
    The simple fact of being able to admire a men’s backside and not feel guilty, did it for me.
    I’m an old closeted gay male who is happy within himself
     
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  10. IneInLP

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    Pretty sure you are not old at all, and I am glad you have found inner happiness! Thanks for sharing your experience, makes a lot of sense to me and I share that feeling of inside happiness!
     
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  11. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @IneInLP and welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    As others have said, you’re not going mad and you’re not alone in what you are experiencing. Take some time to sort through what you are feeling. I realised my sexuality when I was in my late twenties and in a long term heterosexual relationship. Posting and interacting with other EC members really helped me to work through what I was feeling and what I should do next (eventually), and I hope the forum helps you too.

    Keep posting. :slight_smile:
     
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  12. FindingMe7

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    I am 41 years old soon to be 42 and am now allowing myself to come to terms with my same sex attraction. Which by the way I have felt since I was at least 15 years old. Long story short I stuffed all that down and tried to have relationships with men but I was not interested at all. Fast forward to now...I have met someone and it is absolutely amazing, I had the wrong gender the whole time and not its just right. The connection, level of intimacy and trust is off the charts. I totally get the love songs, love stories and why people want to marry now. Take your time and really get to know yourself. I started seeing a therapist and that helped me to process my feelings. Take it day by day.
     
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  13. out2019

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    Hi and welcome!
    Many of us experience this when we finally come to terms with our sexuality. I think it has something to do with stopping suppressing our capacity for romantic and physical love.
    For years I was frightened and deeply ashamed of being gay. When I first came here, someone suggested just saying "I am gay" in the mirror. I thought, well, ok.....like you I was surprised by a feeling of warmth and joy washed over me like I had never experienced.

    I never thought I would have been possible, and I still have bad days, but with the support of this site and reading other stories and realizing I am not alone, I can genuinely say I am happy I am gay!

    and btw, I didn't 'face it' until 49 - so you're way ahead of me :slight_smile:

    This is great advice!
     
    #13 out2019, Jan 14, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2021
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  14. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. Honestly what you are feeling is perfectly normal and your situation is a lot more common than you'd think, even if right now you feel like the only person in the world.
    EC is a really friendly place and most of us have at one point been in your seat, the view was perhaps unique to all of us but most of us were terrified, thought we were going mad and had lots of questions. Feel free to ask us whatever you have or just talk through what you are going through. One of us can almost certainly unstandardised exactly what you mean :slight_smile:.
     
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  15. K80outloud

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    I can so relate to this whole thread! When I started intensely exploring my sexuality, I read the idea of looking at yourself in the mirror. I did and discovered that for the first time in decades I was able to hold my own gaze. Before that I'd feel sick to my stomach looking at myself in the mirror. I even discovered nuances about my exact eye color that I never knew!

    One thing that was suggested to me by a friend was to watch movies and series with lesbian love lines. I never noticed before how much work it was to watch a straight love story. I would focus on the woman, but it took effort when the couple was heterosexual. Watching lesbian stories, there's no work! It feels natural and normal; there's an ease to it like that light feeling you're talking about. It feels validating and comforting to feel like there's a place where I fit in.
     
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  16. out2019

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    Thank you for posting this, I just realized that I experienced this - I didn't notice it before but you're right I literally couldn't look at myself until I said "i am gay"!
     
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  17. IneInLP

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    Thanks for the messages, been off for a few days, trying to make sense of this new reality even if I am not sure it is new anymore. I suddenly remembered a lot of things, they come back to me as pictures of my past that I had completely removed, and now I understand this 'new normal' is just something I wasn't ready to face before. I got back in touch with a now woman that I met when I was 17, she was and is gay, back then I guess she was just trying to figure out all this sexuality thing as she had been in a long (as long can be for a teen relationship) with a boy. I didn't tell her anything about my recent discoveries but getting back in touch with her just confirmed the fact that all my adult life I haven't been who I really am. I am not ready to verbalize it I guess, but inside, in my guts, I know this is right.

    It explains all the previous destructive relationships, the constant stomach ache, the hidden tension in intimacy that never felt right. It also explains a lot of the run away, being close but never too close, trust but never completely give in. And now, all of a sudden, I can't stop talking and interacting with people both men and women (not necessarily about this topic which I haven't been able to share with anyone I know yet), I don't feel that awkwardness when speaking to men because I don't have to pretend nothing anymore. And it seems trivial but I have started writing again and everything is flowing. Literally it is like everything is falling into place.

    I can totally relate to this too. I mean I am in love with the idea of love in some ways meaning that if a love story is nicely told I would enjoy it no matter is straight or same-sex, but after watching a few movies on lesbian love and feeling this sense of things just being right, I am just glad that I finally came to peace with who I am.

    Certainly a great advice, I am still trying to figure out how to have more one-to-one exchanges, I am not sure I have questions ready for the moment bu will certainly keep posting, all your answers / comments and experiences are a great motivation to keep exploring all those hidden feelings.

    Thank you all, so very much!
     
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  18. K80outloud

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    Yup. Same here. All of it.

    I've had nightmares/night terrors pretty much every night since about five years old. There's a few reasons why that don't have to do with sexuality directly, but I'm now convinced at least some of it was about my orientation. Sometimes, there's a fun or nice dream in there but always a nightmare. Haven't slept through the night in YEARS (I'm 45!). When I finally came to some acceptance about my sexuality and started to make it an issue with my husband, it was incredibly difficult and heartbreaking at times, but the nightmares and terrors stopped. I've had two nightmares since August of last year! I dream almost every night about women in all kinds of situations. My dreams are loving and kind with the occasional anxiety one as I try to work things out. :slight_smile: I'm not physically sick on the regular anymore, and I can breathe deeply again. I figure what I feel in my dreams and body doesn't lie, so when this all happened that's when I stopped questioning and accepted. It feels amazing and free.

    Your body knows before your brain. For some of us, it just takes more time for the two to get on the same page. You get to decide what that timeline is. You get to take care of yourself in the ways that are best for you.
     
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  19. out2019

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    I realized that all my heterosexual relationships were initiated by the woman, and I just really liked the fact they liked me.

    Yes! Looking back it felt like 'work'.

    I was terrified of being gay and refused to accept it, but the more I came here and read things, and realized how wonderful it felt to think about being with a guy romantically and sexually, the more it felt 'wrong' to feel wrong about it. I realized among gay people, I felt perfectly comfortable being gay, no shame no anything. It was fear of the straight world and the straight identity I constructed.

    Yes, and also there is no conflicted feelings. When I was in denial I was hoping some woman might come along and 'save'me from being gay.

    When I faced the mirror for the first time and said I was gay to myself, my mind wasn't prepared for the rush of joy I had, muscles that I was unconsciously tensing for years suddenly loosened up, I felt an joy and warmth I had never felt before.
     
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  20. IneInLP

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    This! Exactly! Couldn't find better words to express it...and it is so real in so many levels, like literally...my annual blood tests have never been so good, chronic condition is getting better...I just wish body and mind had connected sooner :slight_smile: but I guess things happen when they can happen.

    And this! Same here! Never initiated anything, always hoping for a man to come over and 'save me' from myself or maybe just help me hide from myself...an all this thinking and introspection of the last few days made me also realize that I would go for the same kind of person, all over again, same patterns, sort of same behaviours, almost like I was looking for someone to make me unhappy...

    So this feeling of now being able to better discern who can make me happy, not only meaning same-sex but also the kind of person I can aspire to be with, is just amazing...like there is hope for me too to find someone and I don't have to be alone.

    Now I am over that euphoria moment, after teh realization of who I really was, it felt almost like i suddenly was drunk (and I don't drink!) so I was afraid that once euphoria was over I would go back to that darkness/greyness but nope...it is all peaceful now. And it is just wonderful.
     
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