Being a bi girl who is not super into guys as much as I once was is a really weird experience because you go throughout your life being/mainly focusing on guys because of whatever reason (for me it was because internalized homophobia and wanting ‘normalcy’) and now I’m just like....not really interested in men. I can see an attractive dude and acknowledge him but I’d rather do things with women. Sometimes it’s also hard to imagine what it’s like to be with a woman, minus sexual situations because that’s all I really know. I did date a girl long distance who was my catalyst and I will forever be thankful for her and a girl casually for a few months who made me realize that I do indeed being with a woman in bed. The odd thing is though when I first kissed her, I felt nothing, no fireworks but I was also pretty damn nervous and it felt like she wasn’t kissing back all that much. I know though that I do loving going down on a woman and pleasing her. With men, I don’t care to be much with them in any capacity. Being friends with them is fine but I don’t want anymore than that. I do remember when I was dating the girl, I was so in my head worrying that I wasn’t into it or would somehow ‘realize’ that I wasn’t into dating women despite it being the opposite. When she ghosted me for a week, it really hurt and it felt like she never wanted to talk to me. She was a very sweet gal and had a good head on her shoulders. Side note when I am trying to fantasize being with women, my brain will try to insert a man instead, mainly with men I have been with in the past but it really stresses me out and I wanna fantasize about women instead. Or when I try and call myself bi, my brain will be like “you’re just straight and faking this”. I just yearn for the days where my brain was clear and I could just fantasize clearly about women. When I was with my ex, I could vividly fantasize doing all kinds of things with her like dates, sleeping with one another, living together, etc. I really miss that. Even when I was laying in bed, I could imagine her beside me. I want that with a woman again. I really do. I don’t wanna be with a man in the long run, but is all of this just a big lie and am I faking this? I hope not.
Mainly women as of now. I can’t fantasize about men at all sexually. I’ve gotten intrusive thoughts about men and they distress me.
I would say you're a lesbian or bi. I would try to not ruminate on it. Harder than it sounds I know, but try to just let the idea linger, then it'll leave on its own.