Previously I shared of a very tumultuous and volatile relationship I was in. I’m ashamed to say we’re still together, well perhaps as of 3 days ago. We have been separated for 11 months due to COVID, being in a long distance relationship. However we have recently upgraded our status to being engaged as things were seemingly going well. Over the almost 3 years together we have had plenty of ups and downs. She is bipolar, but stopped any medications since her school days, had childhood trauma as her postpartum mother tried to kill her, then walked out on her. However she is very well traveled, independent and one of the wonderful persons to be with when she’s having a good day. There is always something about her that drew me back no matter how verbally and emotionally abusive she can get. Most of the times I ended up grovelling to get her back even when I really thought I done nothing wrong, other than always pushing her buttons even with the best intentions. When we are physically separated, this was no easy feat. Long story short, I know I chose to stay, and I lately have been beating myself up over always choosing the wrong words at the worst times. Almost 3 days ago before I start my 12 hour shift, I video called her. What started off as a happy call took a turn when she spoke about the fight she had with her relatives over her grandmother. I tried my best to calm and comfort her, being supportive of whatever she was expressing. Until she admitted she would prefer if her grandmother died since the latter was already 90 and suffering. I told her I understood her but to not change her kind self out of hate and say things that she will regret later. As she truly loved her grandmother. Said that she should not be hardened by the bad people around her. But she continued, and declared she would now be a jerk and wish bad things to everyone who offended her and took her for granted. This went on for couple of minutes and I tried to divert her focus. Huge mistake. I said something along the lines of no one likes jerks, not even me, that will make our relationship even more challenging thinking it would get her thinking. She exploded. Accused me of declaring I’m leaving her when she’s upset. Started raising her voice, calling me selfish. I tried to cajole her and defend my words, I didn’t mean it that way. Then she said I’m out of her life. After a few more seconds of this and couldn’t get a word in I combusted as well. Telling her calling her before a hard day ahead was clearly a mistake. I said i need to have my lunch ahead of a 12 hour shift and yelled “I don’t deserve this!” Then hung up. I was angry as I meant well but it totally backfired and I was seemingly dumped over a few wrong choice of words. After every fight she would promptly blocked me on all social media and apps. After I cooled down over the next 24 hours I texted her, fully expecting to be blocked but by golly the messages went thru. The app is not built to tell us if they were read tho. Even on fb our pics were still there, although she probably have not gotten on vpn to access that. But as the hours pass by I got more and more worried. Called her a few times but no answer. I barely slept in the past 40 hours or so. My messages changed from casual to a full blown apology. I texted her plenty. Telling her she’s my world etc. The thought that she may have done something rash crossed my mind multiple times. She is in a whole other country, the only option I can think about is to try to reach out to her dad on fb- but I know he’s barely active. Do you think I should try? Would it make things worse? I even told her it’s ok if she doesn’t want this relationship anymore but I need to know that she is safe. Still nothing. This is making me physically ill. I am really sickly worried as she has not blocked me, weird as it sounds. I really regret saying those things to her initially even tho I meant no harm. In that moment I just couldn’t take it anymore as she always used me as a punching bag, albeit not literally. I will never forgive myself if she has done something rash. Sorry for long post. I lost my closest friends in recent months and I honestly have no one to share this with. For the record, i am 39 and she is 36. We really should not be having this kind of fights. I think I may have lost her this time.
It sounds like your relationship is incredibly volatile and I really wonder where you see it heading? This is a rollercoaster with seemingly no end and I wonder if you can imagine yourself in a better position within this relationship 2-3 years from now? From everything you wrote it sounds like you are losing more and more of yourself within the relationship as the tumult builds. How do you feel about that? How do you feel that you are often reduced to grovelling to someone who has inflicted harm upon you and your emotional wellbeing? You recognise that this is the reality of what you are facing and no resolution seems in sight. At the bottom of all of this is the simple truth that her mental health is out of control. People can live with bipolar without medication, but when there is so much instability the need to regulate moods becomes an imperative and it needs to be faced very quickly. This sort of explosive rage is harmful to all concerned and it cannot be allowed to continue. It's no good looking at the good times only, when there are so many bad times. I cannot tell you what to do, but the questions I asked in the first paragraph need to be considered very carefully as you once again find yourself in the position of pleading and grovelling as the wounded party. A vicious circle is beginning to develop, don't you think?
noctunalinked.....Hello, I am very sorry for the situation that you are in right now. It seems that you are in love with only part of this person which makes it difficult when the other part is in control. I doubt that you are in any way responsible for the times when she is upset or angry...that's all coming from her. Do you really think that she will ever change completely into the person that you are attracted to? It seems that this is not something that's realistically ever going to change. For your own wellbeing and mental health you face a choice...go on this way with no real chance of things ever being different or turning your back permanently in order to build the kind of life you deserve. You really do deserve something better than this and you are far from being "too old" to think that you'll never have another chance at a strong, loving relationship. The choice is up to you...decisions like this are never easy but all too often the easy choice is the wrong one. .....David
I have been in quite a few abusive relationships, there are things I recognize here. I will show where there are red flags and what I feel about it. I understand being bipolar and not taking medications, I am bipolar and do not take them. However, Red flag - not taking medications itself might be fine but when it is combined with bad behavior it is a sign that she should be back on it. Having been traumatized does not excuse being abusive. Red flag - Abusive people manipulate us in this way. They are not horrible 100% of the time and we accept the abuse because we are trying to get back to those "good" times. This is a sign of a toxic relationship. Red flag - we always gaslight ourselves into accepting the blame for our abusers abusing us. All of this is just another sign that your relationship is toxic. Most likely not. This is very likely just another manipulation to make you more desperate. This sort of thing is designed to make you feel bad so that when she does contact you again you will again feel the dopamine rush which is why we stay in abusive relationships. The best thing that you can do as far as this relationship is block her on every possible way she can contact you. Every social media and messaging system, phone numbers, email address etc. Cut her out of your life. Then you need to seek out a therapist who will help you explore why you are in and stay in such a relationship, and do not get into another relationship until you do the work.
I keep thinking of the airline phrase "Put your mask on before helping others". You should focus on your own mental and physical health before reconsidering the relationships. One challenge is just finding the space that your mind previously gave to all the regular, if unhealthy/toxic, interactions. I agree that "she" has been extremely manipulative with your emotions. Fortunately she is not in the same country, so you have the power to take back control over your life. And yes, that means blocking her and anything you might see from her for at least several months. Try to reconnect with family and friends you trusted, even if you lost contact, because they can help provide support and outside perspectives. Spending your time with healthy relationships will boost your self-esteem.
Get. Out. Of. This. Relationship. Now. It is incredibly abusive, and you deserve better. Also, Get. Yourself. Into. Therapy. Immediately. The reason you're staying is because you don't believe you deserve better. This is a worthiness/self esteem issue rooted in early chlidhood issues. What happens to her is not on you. She is a grown woman, responsible for her own actions. What you have is severe codependency where you feel the need to take care of her or protect her, even though she treats you like shit. She needs to fix herself. You can't do it. And you need to fix you. That you can do. Focus on yourself. Get the hell out of this relationship NOW.
