ruined christmas again. me and my family are both done with this

xmas gets worse every year i swear. my city hadn't had a covid outbreak since september, october but two positive cases on the other side of the city decided self-isolating until you get your test results was optional and the restrictions meant regional family couldn't come and mum's christmas party needed to downsize


i came butch of course. because i ruin family gatherings like that all the time and nobody asks why i can't be normal because it'd be too mean. and i sat with my brother because hes the only person who i interact with anymore who wasn't in the kitchen making lunch and this boys table was laughing at me for how i was on my phone or barely talking and how ive got no social skills. fuck it feels like high school again. fuck im always stuck in the past. they were all boozed up and jeering mum and her sisters as they stressed out over cooking and i tried to tell them to tone it down and they said they were just being annoying dudes. and i screamed at them over this and i got told about how man-hating and no fun because im just some lefty dyke bitch and it made me so upset i got out of the table and left the house entirely. i walked back to the train station and took a train home and cried the way there. i took my sim card out because i dont even want to face the fact ive ruined another time my family's done something nice and my temper tantrum means mum's beside herself when her erratic daughter who wasn't meant to be this awfully autistic or a butch lesbo keeps embarrassing and refusing to be with her. not that i'd know because im afraid of the consequences of my own actions.


it feels like over and over ive been realising how much of a waste of space i am and how many people ive hurt over my feelings. i tried to off myself earlier this year but some aspiring bad cop (whats with my area and having these pigs who only know escalation? is it 5% indigenous population and a large amount of second-gen brown kids here too? do i look too much like a dyke for the police force that arrested and outed gay protestors to the press in 1978?) who harrassed me about how much work itd be trying to clean up a public suicide made me that i just wanted to get home and get out of whatever fight he was trying to start with me. id find horror stories on reddit and think how this gay guy who got outed as a young teen was stalked and sexually harrassed weekly and he's only as old as my brother and married. i got alienated a bit too hard in high school and im a grown ass lesbian who's never gotten over an inferiority victim delusion over how hard it was for her.


im tired of being gay. im tired of my personality disorder and my aspergers and my victim complex. im tired of being a miserable shrinking violet. im tired of trying to be with family and going home and being unable to function for days because my uncle or some toddlers in the family do a "microaggression". im tired of how women who pretend they're "open-minded" hear how autistic and mentally ill i am and bolt. im tired of the teenagers who are so perfect and have it better than me as a grown ass adult. im tired of all the street harrassment. im tired of being told i have to choose between my family or a "community" ive spent most of my adult life finding. im tired of going home from work and crying every day over how nobody "accepts" me.


im going to be 24 next month. i want to take a train into the city and give myself the most hedonistic indulgent birthday i can stomach. after im going to ask to be institutionalised. i asked my doctor about conversion therapy and she gave me a mental health care plan for some place waiting lists and waiting lists away and i dont think she understands me so maybe this is more in her language. i think of trying to survive another year like this when none of the help available seems to work for me and it feels impossible.

 

i tried going to therapy a few months ago bc i was badgered so much. like just after ruok day and i got sick from those dumb fucking yellow symbolic gesture cupcakes. one-on-one therapy instead of the group therapies i went to at headspace where i just found out about all these teenagers who say they're depressed but are so much better and have a much brighter future than i ever will and no i never actually grew up if im comparing myself to them. i didnt know what the mhcp was and i dont think the govt had increased it by that time so i ranted endlessly to the therapist that only time id ever be functional is if i lived in this fantasy world in which my family loves me and i have all these friends who love me and centre themselves around me and i love my job and go out all the time and always have time at home for my own hobbies and i love life when i can do maybe one of these a week if i have a lot of spoons and the only words shed get in edgewise is that sounds really hard for you and i got charged the full $400 and as i forked it out i realised therapy wasnt for me and went home grumpy and tired for like a week


in reality i work and i go home and i can maybe read or play a game for half an hour before im tired and cry and eat from the tv dinners if i can eat at all because i lost all knowledge how to cook this year and i'm so restless i dont sleep until 2am and wake up at 7am even more tired and the only people i ever talk to anymore is mum and my brother and even if they didn’t hate me they wouldn’t know what to do with me either. i miss them i miss my mother i wish i could hug her again but all ive done is ruin our relationship ever since i was a child. aspergers made me grow up cold and avoidant and i broke her dreams of having a daughter she could be best friends with and know everything about when i told her id been hiding i was a lesbian from before i was a teenager to a little past my 20th and tried to make the physical distance between us even worse. nobody knows about me attempting suicide except for the pig who drove me away and i dont know if thered ever be a place to tell her about that. i push people away and blame my shitty avoidant behaviour on oh im autistic oh im introverted because i never want to own up or talk to anybody and i hope it wards them off.


i put my sim card back in and told mum i'm sorry and what ive been trying to do over the past months and i dont expect our relationship to be the same and its the last straw for me, too. mum told me how embarrassing it was for her and how humiliating i cant clean up after my own messes and was telling me for how much i dress and act like a man i can't stand them when they're trying to joke around and i need to learn it before i try to step foot at family gatherings anymore. idk what to say to my brother yet. i never know what to say to my brother he scares me and it proves my mother's point that i'm scared of men because im so convinced being a lesbian is more important than my family or health or friends.


i dont know if i even buy that "the reason why youre so depressed and miserable is everyone hates you" anymore id been having these issues long before i came out and i wasnt experiencing homophobia then. i developed the being afraid of people being afraid of spaces being sad all the time before i came out and its clear therapy didnt work for me before and idk what energy i have left for going through the 15 therapists ive heard other people needed to get the one because i can barely have the energy to go out to the shops or the doctor, how the fuck am i going to have to do this for 14 more therapists. im losing more energy ive been noticing because of thid family drama and they hate me because being an out lesbian made me on edge and i jump down peoples throats and barely interact anymore. i've been as dateless and unsuccessful almost 4 years now of coming out as i was in the closet so it's all for naught. idk why people seem to think getting conversion therapy so i can have more energy and be loved by my family again and maybe have less chances of ending up dead before march is better than wasting energy and money and time waiting for the one to tell me my family hates me and i have no energy and im never going to get better and i need to accept it because some gay whos never gone outside darlinghurst and was accepted day one doesnt know that sometimes your family hates dykes and being an out lesbian just continues to bring me misery and somehow DESPITE being darlinghurst gays who don't understand some families dont ever get around they're all still heavy drinkers who've attempted 6 times by the time they're 30. i want to be a neurotypical straight woman who doesn't need to choose between a """community""" and a family that loves her and teems with energy but im a lesbian who will never have a normal brain and my gp doesnt understand i'm not getting anything out of being a lesbian and i suffer. and having a family that loves me and not having to worry about a local community that seems to spit me out for being too disabled too mentally ill too autistic would do wonders for my mental health and if conversion therapy is the way to get there i want it but she says no. the only explanation i can think of is shes out to get me because ive told her how painful it is and she doesnt seem to be listening

happy new year. my city welcomed in 2021 with a fresh stay-at-home order and i looked out the balcony and saw the streets packed for, something i think while i stayed inside all day and got a sensory meltdown from the fireworks. i wanted to cheer on the fact hopefully ill be in an asylum where i can rant and rave my bullshit without being a waste of space i am in actual society but being honest? the thought of a future fills me with dread and misery and fear and guilt i really don't think i can survive this year even if i was in a mental hospital. i dont know why i didn't kill myself when i had the chance there's nothing really left for me except becoming a weird lonely shut-in who lives in her fantasy world where the world revolves around her.