With every day that goes by I’m more sure that I’m trans. That I’m a guy and always have been. Learning to accept myself feels good, but I can’t help but feel like part of my life has been stolen. I’ll never have the childhood I was supposed to have. I watch trans boys getting to live as their true selves from a young age and I’m so happy for them, but there’s grief there too, because my chance at that is gone. Even older trans guys give me that bittersweet kind of feeling. I watch their transitions or read their stories, and I’m happy for them, but at the same time damn I wish that was me. Especially when it comes to top surgery. I made the mistake of looking down at my chest tonight and I’m so disgusted with myself. Now I’m stuck trying to sleep in a sports bra even though it’s HELLA uncomfortable, but it’s still way better than having my bits out. Aaarrrgghhh!!! My birth name is starting to feel alien too since I’ve been calling myself James in my head. I wish I could just be the real me, the me I want to be, but I know I’m not ready to take that step. It’s still too scary. This has turned into a vent post mostly, but while I was venting I’ve realized how attached I am to the name James. So I guess this post is also an affirmation. My name is James, and I’m a trans guy. The doubts I still have say maybe that’s wrong, but I don’t care if it is. Right now it feels right and I’m gonna go with it.
Congratulations James, each step gives you some momentum and the more you accept yourself the better it feels.
The grief that you are feeling is something a lot of trans people go through. It is tough to know that you have lived part of your life in a way that does not fit the way that you see yourself. For me, as time went on this feeling faded. Sometimes I'll still think about it, but I just have to remind myself that I have to accept the things that I cannot change. With time, things will fall into place. It sounds like you are just starting to accept yourself, which is awesome! Just remember that you can take things at the pace that you feel comfortable. There is no need to rush into things.
Thank you I can’t tell you how much it means to have someone call me that name. It feels good! Yeah I guess it’s all very fresh for me right now. It helps to know it’s possible for that feeling to fade. I’ll try to be patient with myself and not dwell on what life wasn’t and focus on what it can be now. Thank you.