I realize that I can't go back and change the past, maybe it's just the season, too much time with my own thoughts. Maybe my brain is compiling my memories differently, maybe I am just allowing myself to process things differently? I thought I was getting past all this. What would it have been like? To go to a school dance? To go to a football game? To fall in love with your school crush? To have your first kiss before age 26? To feel like you were a part of something? To not feel alone? To not be ashamed? To be yourself? Dean
They're all valid questions Dean, but they're even more valid when you put answers to them and explore those answers. I don't say this to seem confrontational, because I recognise the layers of hurt that exist behind each of those questions, it's just that questions like that shouldn't be allowed to hang in the air. Once they've been asked they should be answered and explored because there is potential for awareness and growth in unpacking the answers. You know you can PM me if you want to go into any of the questions.
Dean.....Before I remembered Tim I thought a lot about those kinds of questions. Now I can look back and remember my reaction to some of them with Tim. It was a wonderful time that I only had for a few years, still, I did get to have it. I have thought about what my life could have been like if Tim hadn't passed away. It's bitter-sweet as I have a wonderful family that wouldn't have happened in that alternate life. We can spend a lot of time on the "What if's" that do us no good at all. I have chosen to be thankful for; 1) the life/family that I have, 2) That I managed to avoid the Aids/HIV crisis in the 80's/90's and 3) That I did finally accept that I am and always have been gay. Dean...try to look at the things that you do have that are positive. I think that we have a lot more to be thankful for than we sometimes realize when we let the What if's get in the way! .....David
Your timing Dean is amazing. I just finished reading the article about a lady who survived the holocaust. (see link below for article) I read about holocaust survivors for their experiences queue me to reflect on my past a bit. Holocaust survivors had their lives disrupted and taken from them. I had my life taken from me in my teens. You had your youth taken from you. Somehow, miraculously, I've started to stop looking back and started focusing my sights on what is ahead of me - life, a boyfriend, sex, the challenges of trying to live together. There is hope for me and there is hope for you. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/03/...l?action=click&module=Opinion&pgtype=Homepage
I've equated the coming out process to be much, much more than what I originally realized. And what some people realize. (no David this is not a rebuke of your wonderful words in your reply post to Dean.) I equate this process to draining poison from my brain. I have come to realize why this process is taking me so long, as apposed to someone like @greatwhale who finds a boyfriend and moves in with him. The process is taking me so long because events (aka abuse) in my teen years were multifaceted. There were the effects of the Vietnam War (no I did not serve in the military, I watched it all in the media of the time) and probably a narcissistic mother. Once I compartmentalize events in my teen years, gay, war trauma, narcissistic mother, I work on draining each one's poison in their own special way. War: I write essays and give to my peers and we discuss Vietnam. The horrors of Vietnam. That fucking war. Gay: I now have gay friends, belong to internet support groups like ECs and I have sought out social outlets. I also have a few gay mentors. Mom: Well that is a work in progress. I am gaining ground. I believe a therapist will help in this area. Dean, try to find your compartments and write them down. Then you can work on them each, without the whole overwhelming you with grief.
