Hi. Earlier this year I came out as gay to some friends. I had been confused about my sexuality for a while and have noticed an attraction to the same sex. However, I would also be attracted to the opposite sex too, so it was all very confusing. I wasn't sure if I was curious, but I realised that my attractions to men were legitimate and not something false. I had assumed it was an OCD/anxiety thing, but from reading accounts of people on here with OCD-like symptoms I realised it wasn't the same. The people on here who are straight, but have OCD which makes them think they're gay, all describe a general lack of attraction to men. I can experience sexual attraction to guys and can gladly masturbate to gay stuff or the thought of being with a cute guy. I have kissed a guy before and liked it, but never gone further. However, I know I enjoy it. At the start of the year I assumed I was straight, but with this attraction for men underneath which I wasn't entirely certain about and confused things. Through acceptance and meditation I have accepted it as legitimate. This got me thinking about whether I was really straight, and I thought maybe not while I was in the acceptance stage. This led me to think of myself as gay, because I assumed any attractions to women were just me clinging on to an ideal me, so after accepting my same-sex attraction I told a few friends that I am gay. However, since then I have realised that what I thought was relic attraction to women stemming from homosexual shame hasn't really gone. I still find women attractive and I can't and don't want to deny it. I can gladly masturbate to both men and women and have enjoyed intimate moments with both. I think I am most likely bisexual as a result now, and I think I am fine with that. I think a reluctance to see myself as such hindered me here. I used to think that my thoughts of being bisexual was just stage of bargaining against me being gay. I feel like bisexual is the right description for me, I am generally open to sexual experiences and relationships to either sex, and it just feels right to my internal self. I would reject this not so long ago because I would say it was me trying to find an excuse not to be gay, but I don't think it is any more. Maybe it is, and one day I may see that I am exclusively gay and this is a bargaining phase, but I don't think it is and I am just happy accepting me for who I am right now, rather than trying to force myself to an identity when I it may not be me or I might not be ready for it. I feel happier than I have ever been in how I see myself, but I can't help but feel guilty about coming out as gay when it wasn't the whole truth. I feel like I have lied to friends and feel like I have made a mockery of the coming out process. I know bisexuality has its own prejudices against it, but I don't believe it's as tough for bisexuals as homosexuals. If a bisexual ends up in a relationship with the opposite sex they will be perceived as straight by homophobes, while that is unavoidable for someone homosexual. So I feel like the coming out process deserves respect for gays, since they face more potential discrimination, and I feel like I disrespected those who genuinely came out as gay, as well as my friends' trust. I have spoken to a couple about this and they don't care and said I am still just figuring it out and shouldn't be too hard on myself. I try to follow their advice, but it's hard.
Although bisexuality is not a phase, people who are bisexual sometimes go through a phase where they are very strongly attracted to the same sex or opposite sex and if that phase of predominant attraction lasts for quite a long time there may be a temptation to label as straight or gay. It's understandable that this might happen, but it can be confusing and problematic when things change and it's one of the key reasons why we urge people not to rush to label themselves. When we are questioning and exploring our sexuality it sometimes takes a while for full clarity to emerge and I'm guessing that's how it has been for you. You don't need to feel guilty if you accept what I have written above as an accurate representation of what sometimes happens. You really don't need to explain yourself to anyone or justify your feelings, but maybe what I have written will help you to explain - should you feel the need to.
There is no need to feel guilty, you were honestly pursuing something. Not getting things perfect is not a reason to feel bad. There is a difference between making a mistake and lying. You did not deliberately misrepresent anything, you simply did not realize something. No need to feel bad about this, no one is perfect. Your friends are correct, it sounds as if you have good friends. I believe that the labels we use are just for communicating to others the things about ourselves. Our labels should not limit or define us. If a label no longer works for us there should be no problem in making an adjustment. Go ahead and cut yourself some slack, you have not hurt anyone.
Thanks for the kind words you two. I do tend to worry about things a lot, especially over the moral consequences of my decisions. Your words have definitely helped. I understand what you mean, Patrick and I think your description of oscillating phases is something I have experienced and it added to the confusion. I had been ashamed of having an attraction to the same sex, up until recently, and overcoming that caused me to think that I have to be gay without fully accepting that I could be bi instead. Those moments when I felt a more same-sex oriented urge helped convince me that attractions to women were just 'hangovers' from thinking I am straight, but I don't think it was now that I have explored my inner self further. Yeah, I agree, QuietPeace. It's too easy for me to slip into critical self-analysis with little forgiveness, I feel, on a range of things. I think I realise, deep down, that I should cut myself some slack, but it doesn't stop the anxieties. I am getting there though.
