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They/them pronouns, and attempting to be a good friend

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by GlindaRose, Dec 27, 2020.

  1. GlindaRose

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    Hello. I bring to you a conundrum that may result in you telling me that I'm a rubbish human being. But please hear me out first.

    The short story is, I have a biologically female friend who has - out of the blue - started asking people to use they/them pronouns. This is causing me areas of confusion.

    I want to be a good friend to her. I am someone that she trusts and I don't want to betray that. In today's world, where things like gender pronouns are becoming more prevalent, I feel like the obvious answer should be to instantly give her what she asks for. Because that would be the right thing to do - right?

    Where this particular friend is concerned, I know her to have a very impulsive nature. She's the kind of person who, for example, had a blow-up with her housemate which resulted in her deciding to move out, finding a new place to live and so on, all in one night. (I think she later went back on that decision.) From what I understand, she's been thinking about gender pronouns for a few months, so not totally out of the blue, but not a long time either.

    Thing is, I'm wondering if this is another impulsive decision on her part, if it's something she will eventually go back on because she had a moment of having an identity crisis. It sounds terrible, it sounds like I'm trying to pull the "just a phase" card and it makes me feel guilty as hell, but it genuinely has crossed my mind. I know that shouldn't be for me to determine, that this might be real, that there's a chance it could stay this way.

    And yet, I keep hesitating.

    Let me offer a comparison: There's another friend, who I met online and originally knew him as a "he" (I knew his fictional character first). This person is biologically female in real life, but has always been a "he" to me, and I don't have an issue with this because it's always been that way and it's always made sense.

    In spite of this, when it comes to the original friend I was referring to, I find myself lost and confused on how to tackle the situation, hesitant to give in and give her what she asks for, and overall wondering if I'm a hypocrite, if I'm being a terrible friend. The "they/them" concept is causing problems for me (more so than calling a girl "he"), and seeing this particular friend as anything but female seems off, even though it's not my call to make.

    Is anyone able to shed any light on this? How do I get past the confusion? How could I be a good friend when I have all these doubts?
     
  2. solarcat

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    Some people are pretty impulsive and may try to change their identity just to keep themselves interesting, but I don't see what it would hurt to use they/them pronouns. They may change their mind later, they may not. They may be trying to be interesting (I've heard of women who pretend to be bi or gay just to get men's attention) or they may really be assessing their identity.

    Either way, I'd say try to use the pronouns they ask for.
     
    QuietPeace likes this.
  3. QuietPeace

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    If someone tells you that they want you to address them using a pronoun the polite thing to do is to address them with the pronoun that they have asked you to do. Doing otherwise is rude, period.
     
  4. GlindaRose

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    Thank you both for the responses. I appreciate that I should do as my friend asks, even if I'm not sure of her reasons. I don't want to hurt her, just finding it a bit daunting and trying to get my head around it.