Just typing this out because I need to get it off my chest. If no one reads it, its fine. I'm having the worst anxiety and falling back into a depressed state. 2020 has taken so much out of me. I began my dream job which is fantastic, but that meant moving several states away... taking my wife with me... feeling like I've removed her from her home, comfort zone, and everything she's known for 13 years. This also means that I've had some road blocks, and haven't stayed on my anti-anxiety/depression meds either. It's been well managed until my wife had some health concerns. The thoughts of her not being healthy, and extra stress it's put on me being the sole financial provider in the house right now and just trying to be strong for her... She's gone back home to be with her family for the holidays, and things are hitting me so hard. I don't even know exactly what I'm feeling right now. All I know is it's 3 am and I'm sitting on the couch crying as I'm typing this. I truly don't know what I'm feeling, all I know is I'm feeling alone. I need a reset button... I don't know where to find that reset button...
I am sorry that things have become so difficult for you. The holidays are difficult for many, especially when you spend them alone. Please understand that this is not permanent. Could you call or message your wife for a little contact? There are also people here that you can talk to in order to make it through this rough time. I think that it is clear that you should get back on your medications, they were working for you. Medications are especially good at getting people through the rough times. Could you get to an urgent care or emergency room and see if they can prescribe you at least a temporary supply since you already know what works for you. If you still have the empty bottles it would help to bring them with you. Longer term I think that you should get a therapist and be with a psychiatric professional who can keep you on your medications.
Thanks for the comment and words of encouragement. I have a few pills left of my meds but unfortunately I've been off of them, and it takes a while to get back into my system that taking them now won't help with the current state. I need to get a full prescription so I can take them consistently. It sucks because I know I need to make an appointment but my anxiety makes it hard for me to just pick up the phone and make that appointment. My job is also high stress and demand and in a field with high mental health issues. I was going to therapy while in school for a while cuz we had a good, free counselor. But when she left, I didn't want to have to re-start the whole process of building trust with someone else. Now that I'm in a completely new place, I just have no clue where to begin. It sucks knowing what I need to do to help myself, but feeling like I'm weighed down and not being able to take that first step. Maybe I'll make that call in the morning before work and set up an appointment... I'm going to try my best.
If you still have some of the antianxieties those work quickly, you could take one a while before the phone call to help you through it. The reason that I suggested the urgent care or emergency room is that they can get you enough for a couple weeks and at the same time help you with a referral to someone for longer term. I also have anxiety issues and depression (Bipolar type II) so I know how difficult it can be just to live let alone to reach out. It is possible though. Something which has helped me a great deal is meditation and mindfulness, it is something that you need to work at though. Even though it is difficult to start with a new therapist I think that it is something that is worth the effort. I have relocated repeatedly in my life and every time that means finding a new one and starting over but anything worthwhile does take work.
