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When you pass the tipping point of acceptance- can it include anger?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by out2019, Dec 10, 2020.

  1. out2019

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    Recently, I have started to feel very very good about being gay.

    I have also noticed almost an anger when I catch myself looking at a woman. I feel like its a habit and not a part of me. I also start to look back on my life the times cute guys flirted with me, or the years in denial and I start to feel angry - anyone experience this?
     
  2. Andrew7

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    That's good, I too am pretty happy with my attraction towards guys.

    As a bisexual I don't feel bad for such a thing, but I think if I just had attraction towards guys only I wouldn't feel bad either for a bit of curiosity.

    I assume you mean angry at yourself? I wouldn't feel angry, but perhaps would feel some regret when thinking about what could have been.

    But at least you can still feel good about the progress that you have achieved in self acceptance with the way you feel about guys. I think that's pretty important since it helps with embracing your sexuality allowing you to get the most out of it from this point on.
     
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  3. Chip

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    Absolutely possible (and common.) One of the criticisms of Kubler-Ross' stages of loss (which most who reference them currently acknowledge) is that unlike the way she presented it, the stages (denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance) are not necessarily sequential, and we can and do move backward and forward as we are processing the loss.

    It would be pretty common to feel anger (and grief) at the lost opportunities, and especially for those coming out later in life, there's often a profound sense of loss about lost time and opportunities, and a sense of anger (at self, or circumstances that put us where we are) that things did not play out earlier. It isn't a bad thing. Welcome it, understand it, let it come up, and let it go.
     
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  4. QuietPeace

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    I had rage actually, at the people throughout my life that worked to convince me that I had to pretend that I am someone who I am not and at myself for accepting it and then living a lie.
     
  5. mnguy

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    That's great you're feeling the good in gay. I like a lot about being gay too. Yes, I feel angry and sad for not feeling able to be myself for so long. I made choices which were clouded with bad information and not trusting people very much so there are reasons, although I didn't understand them all at the time. I was thinking today, what would it feel like to be fully me and to do so confidently? It sounds nice but also makes me anxious. I've read anger can be useful when it motivates positive change and doesn't turn into rage. Sometimes I want to put the anger to good use. I wonder if anger/dissatisfaction is a way to push me to self actualize, to be the real me rather than stifling so much of myself. Is my depression from not self actualizing? Maybe the anxiety and lack of trust I feel overpowers the anger and dissatisfaction that propels others to improve their lives. I hope you can use anger positively and feel better as you work through all this.
     
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  6. Contented

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    Anger certainly plays a role in our development of same sex feelings later in life.
    I was angry at myself for pretending so long to be straight. I was angry at women ( unjustly) for not finding that magic spark in them that would make the gay go away. Finally I was extremely angry at society for the heterosexual indoctrination that clouded my true sexuality for years.
    Thankfully my therapist helped me identify most of this misplaced anger and gave me tools to work through that anger. Holding on to all that anger prevented me from growing and embracing my homosexuality. Once I was able to release most of it and contain the remaining I was a much happier, more well adjusted gay man. It did take some time and some introspection on my part.
     
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  7. brainwashed

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    Find / discover ways to vent / dissipate anger. Not easy I know. I meditate and exercise and have long coffee shop conversations (pre virus) with a few select friends.
     
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  8. SevnButton

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    It makes perfect sense -- acceptance means letting go of the struggle and moving toward aliveness. Being alive means having a full set of emotions. One of those emotions is anger. The challenge is to accept the anger as a partner without letting it become your master.

    My best wishes to you @out2019 ! Looks like you're doing fine.
     
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  9. BiGemini87

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    I haven't really felt much anger regarding my sexual orientation (well, a little bit regarding something my mother said when I was 13/14, but compared to a lot of other issues I had growing up, it seems pretty minor), but I have had regrets and felt some frustration with myself. Not over where I am now; I've been with my husband for 16 years (tomorrow, in fact) and married for 8 of those. But I do regret the missed opportunities before him.

    What you're feeling is completely normal. I wish I knew some advice to give on overcoming this part of it, but I think it's just something that will need to run its course.
     
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  10. JessNC

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    What's the expression? Old habits are hard to break? And some women are very attractive, right? Still, it seems only natural that you might feel frustrated with yourself when you find yourself looking at a woman with sexual desire--or the expectation of it--in the mix. As men we are constantly being affirmed for viewing women as possible sex partners and hetero culture is still shaping us even if we are drawn to men. Be patient with yourself. Maybe even enjoy the pleasure of beauty and attractions knowing that how they inform you and how you act on them are your choice.
     
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  11. PeterWI

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    Definitely--it can be a form of display and trying to blend in.

    @out2019 I'm not a very angry person (I say that cautiously because I can be, of course, anger is there for a reason) so I try to have compassion with myself. If you realize that the behavior is just a habit, you can try telling yourself something more compassionate like "Oh, there I go again!" instead of getting angry with yourself. We're all products of conditioning to some extent, so there's no reason to beat ourselves up over it. :slight_smile:
     
    #11 PeterWI, Dec 13, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2020
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  12. out2019

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    In a weird way, it feels kind of good. I don't want it to continue, I long for the day when I can laugh at it, or just be comfortable saying beautiful woman, I am not into that... but for now it feels like much more of relief than that desperate longing feeling of frustration.

    Yes and some women often take much more time to look attractive and draw attention to themselves.

    Sometimes I think part of it was realizing I wasn't looking at women because I wanted to have sex with them. I don't have any desire to be a woman but I realize I was jealous of not being able to express a feminine side, I remember once a girl friend giving a blow job and I realized (though I quickly surpressed it because I was still in denial) that I was jealous of what she was doing, in that sense I wanted to be her.

    Yes, this is the part I don't like- I get angry at the woman I am looking at! It's irrational.

    Yes I think it's helping me move forward, and stamp out the last embers of denial - but past a certain point it would become unhealhty.

    Thank you this makes me feel like I am really moving forward, the anger is not 'why can't i be aroused by a woman' it's 'why am I still trying to do this" which I take as a clear indicator of self acceptance about being gay.
     
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  13. brainwashed

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    There are five care human psychological states. Anger, fear, shame, joy, sadness.

    I disagree with the term "partner". Anger is indeed a part of being human but I want no partner who gets angry much of the time. . I suggest learning how to channel anger. I've turned to learning about Buddhism and meditation to teach me how to channel anger.
     
  14. zuice

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    I have learned that when one is provoked, by someone who has an indifference to the humanity of others, it can make one become reactive with anger. The key is to remain responsive to one's peace and loveliness.
     
  15. out2019

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    This thread was originally two separate ones - the first was about the tipping point of shame and acceptance, the other was about anger after acceptance.

    I was reading another post here- and many people here have said it, one you start to let the genie out of the bottle, there really is no turning back. At first that scared me like I was losing control, but now it gives me a sense of peace.

    The only anger now is about habits, regrets -but I can deal with those - as Chip said it's a sign of acceptance.

    While I feel very vulnerable about being gay I not longer feel ashamed to myself- I might still be scared or nervous to tell other people, but when I have talked for example to a LGBTQ counselor where I felt safe, I felt happy about being gay and it felt perfectly natural.
     
  16. out2019

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    Two small updates:

    • The other day I was walking along and I saw a cute guy, I felt the old me popping up and suppressing that feeling but I nipped it the bud, and let the feeling flow. I felt so alive and sensual and no longer like I was fighting myself. It may seem like a small thing but I realized how much I used to do this and then convince myself I wasn't gay.

    • I feel a crazy crazy crazy good desire to want to come out more!
     
  17. Contented

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    Out2019 coming out frees you from doubting yourself. It frees you from having to hide who you really are. It frees you to openly admire other guys without reservations. It so incredibly liberating.
     
  18. out2019

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    Yes! Most of all the doubt, the back and forth, the denial - it was draining. I am ready to face up to the challenges of coming out, because I am beginning to the see the rewards too. I don't doubt inside anymore that I am gay though. That's most important. Once you accept yourself, the rest will happen.
     
  19. Snowqueen

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    I still notice women, women are amazing, I tend to not e their hair, shoes, has up and things. You can still admire women and be a gay man. No need to beat yourself up, because you find a woman attractive.
     
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  20. out2019

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    Yes I am starting to realize this now, and it no longer threatens or confuses me.