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Time to change therapists?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BMC77, Dec 12, 2020.

  1. BMC77

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    I'm frankly struggling whether on whether or not to change therapists. It's at a point where I'm even thinking of it as less "change" and more "fire."

    This therapist is pretty new. My old therapist left the practice about the start of fall. (Had enough of me? LOL) II got assigned to Ms. X. My old therapist pretty much made the decision--although we talked about it. Ms. X was available, and new to the practice with low client load. So I'd be assured of weekly appointments. And it was a case of "it doesn't hurt to try" and if it didn't work out, well, I could transfer.

    We had 2 appointments. The next week, the appointment was cancelled by the practice on the day of the appointment. This happened again the next week. She returned for a couple of months. Then the appointment was cancelled last week again. Making 3 missed appointments in about 3 months.

    I got in contact with the practice, voicing concerns about whether I can rely on Ms. X. I said I don't want to pry into whatever is going on, but I do need someone I can rely on. I have depression. I have no support network. They could say nothing, except I have the right to transfer therapists. One person at the practice (whom I've had some interaction with before) and I talked about the possibility of bringing all this up on next week's appointment--assuming, of course, Ms. X isn't absent that day--which she felt was appropriate, and suggested as the next step. So that's my tentative plan...but I'm wondering if I should rethink, and just demand a transfer Monday.

    Past this, I'm not sure Ms. X is the best possible match. One oddity--although maybe it's not odd, just something I haven't encountered before--but she seems to not even really talk much. There are times when I've wondered if the Zoom connection failed. My last therapist let me babble, but there was enough that suggested they were listening. She'd ask questions, and sometimes have something to say. Then, again, I'd seen her for nearly two years, so she'd long since heard my whole background story.

    The frustrating thing is a transfer means starting from scratch with giving my background. And, also, I can't get any answers about whom I might transfer to. I keep hearing how wonderful all the other therapists are. I can almost imagine a situation of transferring to another. Doing a month or two. She doesn't work, out, and so I have to repeat..and maybe repeat again and again, until I have to crawl back to Ms. X, and beg her to take me back.

    And, of course, there is one therapist who has been heavily praised--a board of client comments was half full of cards mentioning him the last time I was actually in the office!--and my old therapist said she was seriously tempted to send me his way. But he's heavily booked--and last week I was told booked solid. Leaving me, even after 2.25 years with this practice, forced to take someone just because they are "available." (And looking outside this practice is easier said than done. There just aren't very many options for people who are low income. And based on the stories I hear, other places are a lot worse.)
     
    #1 BMC77, Dec 12, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2020
  2. quebec

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    BMC77.....So sorry to hear of the problems you're having. I have been lucky in that my therapist has been really good. He has made a big difference for me so I know how important the right person can be. Have you thought of having a serious, sit-down talk with the person in charge of the practice? I would hope they would listen (that's their job after all :old_confused: ). If that doesn't work out then you should probably start looking for another practice/therapist, even if it's going to be difficult. The right therapist is very important and worth the time to find...I hope that the process is not as difficult as you think. If that just doesn't work...have you thought about an online practice? I mean, you're already using Zoom, so what's the real difference!? I tried one for a while a few years ago and it was good. Keep us posted on how this works...we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  3. bingostring

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    To me, there are enough “red flags” in your post that make me think you should definitely consider starting fresh with someone new.

    For one thing, a therapist should be professional, punctual and reliable. In the case of Zoom sessions there is really no cause for her to not make the time and date of your appointments. It’s very sloppy and she must know it.

    if you are near an urban centre you should be able to find one pretty quickly. You could look at the web page of the national professional body and you may be able to search for who practices in your area and what their specialism is. You could meet a few before deciding who to run with?

    When Covid started, I personally found Zoom type sessions awkward and quit pretty soon after the first session. Can’t wait till 1:1 is possible again. It’s good that you seem to find it manageable online.
     
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  4. Chip

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    It does not sound like your current therapist is a good match. One or two cancel/reschedules in 6 months is a lot. 3 in 3 months is utterly unacceptable. Additionally, it does not sound like you've developed much rapport with her, and so it does not sound like it is effective for you.

    As far as therapy over zoom/telemedicine, there's some pretty good data that shows it can be just as effective as in-person therapy, but a lot has to do with the skill of the therapist. It requires more on the part of the therapist to be effective over zoom, because they have to pay attention to more subtle detail.

    So if it were me, I'd definitely ask for a transfer. Seems like you've given this person enough of a chance already.

    One common misconception: A therapist does not need to know your entire story to help you. In some cases, you get new perspectives from someone who doesn't know everything, because they will be more inclined to interpret and evaluate without preconceptions. So you can really just jump in. You don't need to spent one or more sessions regurgitating your past, though many clients feel the need to do this.

    On the subject of interaction (or not): This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Different therapists have different styles, and different training yields different approaches. There are sound approaches where the therapist says very little. When therapists are trained, they are told (and this is a pretty good rule) that about 80%/20% conversation (20% therapist) during a session is what one is aiming for. I had one therapist who was often completely silent, not even a grunt of recognition to something I'd said. He was actually a good therapist. That style made me work harder, and honestly, that probably made me dig deeper. So not a bad thing.
     
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  5. BMC77

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    Thanks everyone!
     
  6. BMC77

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    Kind of how I feel at the moment!

    It actually ended up being more than just one or two sessions... A lot more. This therapist probably has enough to write a biography about me. LOL
     
  7. Chip

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    Oh, I think most of us who go to therapy for quite a while, over time, our therapists learn and remember lot about us. What I was getting at is, there's no real reason to present your history in any sort of orderly fashion. If there are key issues that bring you to therapy, it's worthwhile touching on those. But what the therapist needs, s/he will ask about or dive into as the need arises.
     
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  8. Tightrope

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    Which gender of therapists have you worked with so far? Which you prefer or does it make a difference?

    I think that different genders of therapists should be able to work with most things. I stress the word most. You know your own personal situation so you know if there are things that a man might not want to tell a female therapist or a woman might not want to tell a male therapist that could rock the boat and not make for the best therapeutic outcome.

    I tend to go in order when giving my history. That chews up some sessions, that's for sure. LOL. I had one therapist who I only worked with for 10 to 12 sessions who ended it because he didn't want to hear about my past. We still talked about today and the future as I was in these sessions.

    Our past is usually what brings us to therapy - issues such as family, school, work, trauma, and all that. We're there because we want things to change and get better. I can't imagine a therapist telling some people I know with serious traumatic experiences that he or she doesn't want to hear about it and to just talk about the present. It seems that the worse the trauma, the more stuck people are. It will take patience and compassion to help dig them out of the deep holes some people are in because of what has happened tp them.
     
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  9. BMC77

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    I've had experience with both male and female therapists. To some degree, I guess that's a secondary consideration. My last therapist was a woman, but I thought very highly of a man who ran a therapy group I was in. (He'd have replaced my last therapist, except he left the practice before she did.)

    Although it has occurred to me that it might be easier talking about some things with a man.

    But unfortunately, as of Friday, the only therapists being offered as an option are woman. Going to a different place is easier said than done--there just aren't very many places willing to work with low income people.
     
    #9 BMC77, Dec 13, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2020
  10. Chip

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    Wow. If you really had a therapist who terminated treatment with you simply because he didn't want to hear about your past... you really had an incompetent therapist. I simply can't imagine that. Unless the therapist was so inept that s/he could not redirect the line of discussion in a way that was therapeutically beneficial, and realized s/he was incapable, it's difficult to fathom. But then, I've seen examples of hideously incompetent therapists over the years, so little surprises me these days.

    That part's true, and a lot of good work does involve exploring and looking at past events through a different lens. But a skillful therapist understands how to navigate that part of the conversation really well, and move it in the direction where it directly impacts and improves the client's experience, in line with whatever goals are part of the treatment plan. The past is important, but it isn't the only thing that's important.[/QUOTE]
     
    #10 Chip, Dec 13, 2020
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2020
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  11. Tightrope

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    I agree with the posture you mention of how therapy should use the past as a guide. I was not mad at this therapist. I liked him as a person. What was on his Facebook page, and his friends' pages, was eye opening, though. I got a good laugh out of that. He should have closed off his page to the general public.

    He might have been schooled and interned in a specific method. He kept other clients. I'm really not that hard of a client. I converse with my therapists. However, he hit a block with me at about 10 or 12 sessions. I was also in a horrible place at that time and had a level of anxiety that interfered with normal functioning.

    The silver lining is that I went from a masters level MSW therapist who had a style that wasn't working with me to one with a doctorate in psychology, who used the traditional CBT methods, got along with me well enough, and was my therapist for about 3 years. So, I got a good therapist and I harbor no ill will to the therapist I had for about a dozen sessions. It all worked out.
     
  12. Chip

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    Yikes. That plus what you described before points to a therapist with terrible boundaries and a lack of basic knowledge of do's and don'ts for the profession.

    I doubt it. I don't know of any theoretical orientation that involves discharging clients because "you're tired of hearing their stories." Sadly, there are a lot of downright incompetent therapists out there. I've run into many of them at conferences and professional trainings.

    That actually defines most people who are seeking therapy. Most don't go when things are just fine. So therapists, at least in theory, are trained specifically to work with individuals who are having difficulty communicating, who aren't functioning normally, and who may not know how to ask for what they need.

    That is indeed the silver lining. Finding the person you really relate to is key.

    For my own experience, I've found no consistent correlation between the skill and ability of a therapist and whether they are trained at the masters or doctoral level. If anything, there's a small inverse correlation with Ph.Ds in psychology, because many of those went to programs that were principally research-focused, while the masters level people often go to programs that are very much focused on clinical skills. In my experience, there's a much stronger correlation between the therapist's ability and the particular school they attended than there is in the degree earned. Sadly, there are a lot of schools turning out really terrible therapists at both the masters and doctoral level. I'm hopeful that the profession will upgrade its standards eventually.