Hey everyone, I was wondering if I could get your perspective on something... I was speaking to my friend via Zoom the other day and he recieved a text from his brother, at first he looked slightly concerned and wouldn't say anything. After a few minutes he started to laugh hysterically, I was obviously confused so I asked him what was happening. He said "My brothers just texted me saying "I need to tell you something; I've been having sexual feelings towards boys" at this point I was thinking "and why is this something to laugh at?" And I could feel myself getting upset. Anyway, he followed this up by saying "but I've just recieved another text saying he is playing a drinking game and he lost so it was his friend who sent the text" and he continued to laugh whilst saying "oh that has really made me laugh" - this reaction went on for a good few minutes. Now, am I the only person who would find this upsetting? Although he wasn't aware of my own sexuality at the time and therefore he wasn't intending to hurt my feelings. I still found his reaction rather immature and disrespectful. I just think when straight people pretend they or their friends are gay for a laugh it trivialises our lived experiences and treats us a laughing stock. Would you agree? Coming out for so many of us is an extremely difficult process to go through... Therefore it pained me to see this experience being used as a forfeit in a drinking game and laughed at by my closest friend. Anyway, I have raised the issue with him and explained how it made me feel and why. He was very apologetic and supportive regarding my own sexuality. And his explanation to laughing was "I laughed purely because they found it funny. I meant no offense." I said I understood he had no malicious intent but he should have his own mind; just because other people are laughing doesn't mean he has to follow suit." Do you think I have done the right thing by saying this? I have been feeling really anxious and upset about it all for a few days now. I really care about this friend and I'm scared I have made things awkward between us and I am hoping I wasn't to harsh when I told him to have his own mind. He is a really kind person but there is a sheep mentality about him at times that I don't like. Let me know your thoughts. It would be much appreciated.
I don't typically get offended by a lot, but I can totally see where you're coming from with this, because I agree: When they turn it into a prank or a dare, it does trivialize the experience of so many LGBTQ+ people. It's no big thing for them, because if someone they know starts to get upset, they can just turn around and say "gotcha!". When someone comes out for real, there's no going back, and even if they try to play it off as a joke, they deal with the psychological aftermath of returning to the closet before they even had a chance to appreciate the freedom of being true to themselves.
It is a little more complicated I think than you have said, and yes for multiple reasons I find it upsetting. This was not about your friends brother appearing to come out as gay (and turning out to be a lie), your friends brothers friend as a pathetic attempt at a "joke" had him "come out" as a pedophile. Then all of them involved (the friend, the friends brother, and the originator of the "prank" text) all passed it off as something "funny". There are many levels of this and all of them in my opinion reflect poorly on the people involved in it.
Oh Hm... My friends brother is younger than us though? Obviously still an adult with him being at university playing a drinking game... But as adults we do sometimes use "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" when speaking of our partners so I just thought of it in that sense. You could be right of course but I don't think my friend interpreted in that way though.
I get what you are saying, I am nearly 60 and call my SO who is 41 my boyfriend. I am just going by what was directly said "I've been having sexual feelings towards boys", it says towards boys not toward my boyfriend. As my sig states, I am ASD and therefore very literal.
No worries whatsoever. As I say you could be right - who knows what was going on in the head of the person who wrote the message - either way it was a crap move in my opinion. And I'm autistic too so completely understand the literal thinking!
It doesn't really bother me. A few of my friends do that pretty often. One of them, every single time he's over at my house at some point he'll go "hey...hey (my name)....I'm GAY!!!" and then run off somewhere. He also has a thing for one of our other friend's toes...every time they wear sandals or whatever he'll make some comment about wanting to suck their toes. Yet he's straight.
I can see how it might sound bad, especially from your perspective, I too would wonder if they were perhaps homophobic but since there was no ill intent It's probably not a big deal. In a way I think it would be nice if people could more often openly talk about same sex attraction like it was no big deal. That's something that I'm not able to do in my world. If the joke was more about the bluntness of a sexual statement randomly being put out there, then I would find it not so bad, but if the joke was insinuating that there is shame to be had in such a thing, (or something negative like that) then I would find it distasteful to put it politely. Maybe it is immature regardless of intent, as joking around can be at times, and especially seem that way when it comes to jokes that don't match your preference.
Yeah, I would say it was the right thing to do. It's nice to be able to communicate concerns if you're worried about something. If you didn't you might be stuck wondering if there was any potential malicious intent; no one wants to have negative thoughts lingering with a close friend. Additionally, by communicating your concern you got to see the 'apologetic and supportive' reaction, which probably made you feel better about the situation.
