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Aaahhhhh, the confusion! Help!

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by MaybeBoy, Nov 30, 2020.

  1. MaybeBoy

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    Ok. So I’m really confused and feel so weird talking about this but will do my best to explain my situation.

    I’m AFAB. For most of my life I’ve been pretty “whatever” about my gender. Like I never really thought about it much? I was told I was a girl and that was that, even though I never “felt” like a girl. I never really felt like a boy either, although I did take on the roll of a boy when playing games as a kid. And when I was forced into being a female character I hated it.

    Flash forward to adulthood. Followed trans people online. Learned about their experiences and about them as individuals. The idea that I might be trans still didn’t cross my mind even then. It wasn’t until awhile after that that the thought “what if I’m a boy?” hit me seemingly out of nowhere. I couldn’t get that thought out of my head. Started wondering if my dislike of my chest might have some deeper meaning. Stayed up way too late watching videos of trans guys on YouTube. Started noticing discomfort when people referred to me as a female, girl or woman, although she/her pronouns didn’t make me feel anything negative or positive. Then I got scared that maybe that was my truth. I pushed it away. Months went by without thinking about gender much. But than that same “what if I’m a boy?” thought hit me again and I fell into that same pattern.

    I even bought a binder this time just to try it. I loved how flat it made my chest look! I bought men’s clothing and liked the way they fit and looked (with the exception of being drawn to skinny jeans sometimes). I started wondering how I’d look with a beard and more masculine features. Even had a dream about it once. Started thinking of what my name would be. I remember leaning toward Theo at one point. Then I got scared again and pushed all of that away like I did before.

    Now here I am again. I’ve gained weight after years and years of trying. It’s great! Except! My chest is impossible to ignore now, even when wearing layers of loose shirts. Even when I’m not visually noticing it, I can feel it there moving around on its own, and the binder I got a year or so ago would be too small at this point. Like wtf. I hate this so much. It makes me so uncomfortable that I’ve been losing sleep over it. My face also looks softer and rounder now which is blehhhh! That plus my best friend coming out to me as nonbinary has made me wonder again: what if I’m a boy? What would I look like? What would I sound like? (I hate my voice too) Would I finally be happy, or at least happier? Would I actually be able to picture a future for myself instead of the empty nothing that I see right now?

    I feel so lost and scared. I don’t know what to think about any of this anymore. Part of me thinks I’m just making all this up and I need to snap myself out of these thoughts again. Another part thinks I am trans, because why would I keep getting distressed over this otherwise?

    Does it sound like I’m trans to any of you? I know no one but me can say for sure if I am or not, but any feedback at all would be appreciated right now.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    As you have said, only you can know for sure. It is about what will make you most comfortable in life. The questioning thoughts that you are having are pretty common for people who do end up transitioning. People who are comfortable living within their birth assignment rarely have such thoughts. Maybe you should get a new binder that fits you correctly now and see how much that makes you more comfortable. If you have any friends who you think will be more accepting you can ask them to try a new name and pronouns. For many it is less a matter of dysphoria in their assigned role and more a matter of euphoria when they assume a role better fit for them (feeling really good when people use the pronouns and name that they better identify with). If you do not have anyone in your life that you feel you can trust with this there is a thread to try new names and pronouns. https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/test-your-name-pronouns-here.413728/
     
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  3. MaybeBoy

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    Hello and thank you for your response QuietPeace :slight_smile:


    I would really like to get a new binder but don’t think I can swing it financially at the moment since I already had to invest in new pants. I did order some bigger sports bras because those also helped in the past. We’ll see how that goes!

    As far as trying a new name and pronouns, I do have friends who would be supportive but I still don’t feel comfortable bringing it up to them. Two of them are trans men I know online, but I feel like I need to sort myself out a little more before I bother them. Even though I know they wouldn’t be bothered lol, but oh well. My brain. It do be like that unfortunately!

    Also, another thing came to mind while I couldn’t sleep again last night. Most (if not all?) trans men I know have bottom dysphoria. My bottom area isn’t and has never been an issue. Y’know, except when it starts bleeding, but I’m sure no one with a uterus feels good about that. And Idk but the fact that I have no issues down there feeds into the part of me that says I’m not really trans, despite other signs pointing to yes. More fuel for the confusion fire :/ Can I be trans if I don’t hate/feel uncomfortable with my genitals?

    All that aside, I will try out a name and pronouns here and see how that feels. Right now I think I’m going to go with Owen. He/him. I will check out the linked thread too. Thanks!
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    My soon to be ex-husband is a nonbinary trans guy who used either they/them or he/his as pronouns. They do not have bottom dysphoria, their problem is mostly about their chest and voice. You can identify however you do, you do not have to have a specific type or strength of dysphoria to be valid.
     
  5. MaybeBoy

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    Thank you. So far I haven’t come across a trans man or trans masc person who didn’t experience that kind of dysphoria so it’s good to know I’m not alone. Helps clear up some of the confusion, at least on the physical stuff.
     
  6. jessie19

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    Hi, there is some statements and questions i was once asked that helped alot.

    1. cisgender people usually dont spend hours agonising over if they trans.
    2. If you could press a button and be a guy for a day, you would press it?
    3. If there was a button that could turn you into a guy for a year, and then a button to change you back, would you press the back button?
    4. And finally, if you were stranded alone on a beach, and no one would rescue you, but one day a button popped up and if you press it you will be a guy for the rest of your life, would you press it?

    There is no right answers but its a good mind thought when you stuck and going down the "maybe i am, maybe am full of it" spiral.
     
    #6 jessie19, Dec 1, 2020
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  7. MaybeBoy

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    Hi Jessie19 :slight_smile: Thank you for bringing up these questions.

    To answer question 2: 100% yes

    Question 3: This one I’m less sure about. I think yes to turn into a guy for a year, but it’s hard to say if I’d hit the back button or not. I guess that would depend on if I liked it or not? Which is impossible to say at this point because I’ve never done it and I’m not sure what it even means to be a man?

    Question 4: This is another one I’m less sure about. Since I’d be alone Im leaning more towards yes? I wouldn’t have to worry much about what it means to be a man in society if I was on my own, if that makes sense? I could just be me, whatever that might look like.

    Thinking about these questions has brought something to my attention. I think part of my trouble is that in most situations IRL I’m kinda terrified of men. I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable around them even if I am one, and I’d be even less comfortable in women’s spaces than I am now because I would no longer belong there. I like women, I connect with them more easily, I enjoy their company more, even though I can’t say I have ever “felt” like one. So if I am a man, I’m not sure where I’d fit in in the world.
     
  8. jessie19

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    These questions are never for me to give you an answer, but it does help you think about it if there were no external influences, i hope they help you and give you a point of view that you never thought about. i know i want to be female, and being scared is just me being my doubtful self. But this is just because i know me
     
  9. MaybeBoy

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    These questions certainly have given me more to ponder and brought up some memories that I’d forgotten all about. Thanks again for bringing them up! Lots to think about now.
     
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  10. MaybeBoy

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    So... childhood memories and other signs I might not be a girl:

    In first grade I got to pick a buddy for a school trip and I was very adamant about choosing one of the boys. It was so long ago but I remember really wanting to hang out with him for some reason? Don’t really know if that means anything though?

    In elementary school I often chose to play soccer with the boys rather than hang out with the girls. But as far as I can remember that was mainly because I just really wanted to play soccer and I was the only girl that did.

    When I was younger I was very against stereotypically “girly” things and wanted to be seen as one of the boys. That was mostly due to internalized misogyny though, I think. Still, now that I’ve worked on getting past that over the years, some folks in the family still make comments to me like “you’re such a guy!” in reference to some of my mannerisms and hobbies. Of course hobbies don’t have genders so that bit speaks more to ignorance on their part rather than my gender.

    When I was going through puberty I was very adamant that I wasn’t going to get my period. Even when I DID get it I pretended it didn’t exists until it of course leaked through my pants and my mom noticed. I was also very against getting boobs and wasn’t happy when they started growing.

    There was a character in a movie from what I was a kid whose name I can’t quite remember. All I sort of remember is he was shipwrecked on an island at some point? I think?? But anyways, I pretended to be him a lot. Like A LOT!

    More recently (over the past few years or so) I go through phases where I mainly play dude characters in RPGs even when given a choice. Like, any other choice doesn’t feel quite right even though it’s a game? Idk it’s a weird feeling.

    There have been times I’ve been gendered as male by strangers over the years. I was 17 the first time that I can remember, and didn’t have a reaction other than “lol okaaaay?” because he was an older man and I know for a fact that his eyes were bad because he drove the bus I took home from work. A terrifying experience lmao! The other times I remember being a little confused but mostly amused. It hasn’t happened in awhile now and that kinda makes me sad? Which seems odd since I felt neutral about the whole thing whenever it happened?

    I cut my hair short for the first time about 4 or 5 years ago. I used to hate my hair, but now it’s my one vanity. I was looking at myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth last night trying to picture myself with long hair again. The thought made me feel physically ill. I hated the way it looked then and the way it made me feel, just wasn’t fully aware of it until I had it cut off. Now I know I could never go back.

    Idk the more I’ve been thinking about everything, the more I have moments where I REALLY want to be a guy. Usually followed by intense fear and a voice that says “no you don’t, you’re just losing your mind!” Idk why I’m even posting this either? Just to have things written out somewhere I guess.

    And I’m wondering: how have any of y’all stopped letting fear get between you and being certain you’re trans?
     
  11. jessie19

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    This is me being a girl, over the years more and more i see all the signs, i have stopped letting fear get to me and done thing that make me more fem, im now growing my hair, "Tucking", walking more fem and even when i go out, i dont talk to anyone in any other voice other than my female tones, ( i have been singing for a band for years, so doing the notes and tone comes easy for me )
     
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  12. QuietPeace

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    I am afraid that all of my fears were around me being allowed to live as my true self. My earliest memories are of the fact that I was a girl. What role would make you most happy in life? How would you prefer to be perceived and have people react to you?
     
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  13. MaybeBoy

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    Thanks again for taking the time to respond. It really does help, and I appreciate it a lot.

    I’ve been thinking a lot today since it was very quiet at work, and I’m 90% sure I’m not a woman. I don’t know what exactly I am, but it’s good to feel more certain about this at least. Whether I’m non-binary trans masc or a trans man is still unclear, but I feel like I’ve taken a step closer to figuring things out.

    Another thing I’ve become VERY clear about is that I absolutely want top surgery at some point. A lot of people I know online have been having that done recently and along with feeling so happy for them I have a strong desire to do the same and feel happy for myself and more happy with my body. At this point I have no idea how I’ll go about this and how I’ll explain it to my mom and other people in my life, but I’m not in a huge rush so I’ve got time to figure all that out. And time to work through my fears about doctors, surgery, and hospitals in general. I might even bring this particular topic up with my therapist at our next appointment.


    I’m still unclear about this. I’m considering asking some online friends to refer to me by a different name and pronouns to see how that feels, but I’m not quite brave enough to take that step yet. Getting closer to that point though, I think.
     
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  14. jessie19

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    Well i have an entire second life online with my name and pronouns and because i know alot of game streamers, i tune in and they call me by my name and it feels amazing