Hello, I've posted multiple times here, on similar topics, and had good answers, but this time i think I have more elements and a new way of thinking through this. I've always put a huge pressure on myself to find out what's my sexuality, what i'm into. I guess i want to be sure of myself a 100% before i claim a label that isn't mine... I'm a young adult woman, I have experimented with few people, maybe 6 or 7. I knew i liked girls at like 13, only gotten signifiant and lasting romantic and sexual feelings for women since then. I got out of a long-term relationship with a girl, that didn't end very well for numerous issues, and i recently met a girl that i developed strong feelings with; i've never felt more connected, safe and warm with someone before. However, being in a relationship with a woman again, and the fact that i have not tested dating guys like i attended to do before switching back on dating girls , makes me rethink my sexuality all over. I'm with someone who had multiple experiments, like 3 times more than me (im 4 years younger than her tho and started to date people a year ago), with men and women, and who is identifying as gay. And I'm like: well, if you have this much experience , i guess you can tell which sex you're more attracted to, but even then i think that to seek to have sexual encounters with men so many times you have to be a bit bi but she knows what she feels 10 times better than me and tends not to overthink everything like i do. From what I've gathered: men don't make me feel the slightest thing when I do things with them, but somehow i still find them handsome easily and i'm always scared of missing something out if i don't really test out a relationship with them. I've never been further than short intercourses. The thing is I have no real desire to do so, or don't feel real attraction to them. I do think I have some level of curiosity to them; sometimes when a man flirt with me i'm happy about it, and I like to play with it (if it's required of course). I guess that the word lesbian scares me, because it implies a certain type of narrative that i don't fit in. Like i feel like I wouldn't enjoy a relationship with a guy but i would like to be sure , to test this out, just in case im wrong, and then if i don't feel anything then i could declare myself a lesbian, because what if i do so ut repress some kind of desire? I've dreamed multiple times about being with a guy and even in my dreams it felt unnatural or unsettling , maybe because I spend so much times being crazy about girls and having strong emotional and sexual desires for women, and never the slightest for dudes. I feel like I should test this out and at the same time i feel like it could be a copping mechanism to run away from a relationship that makes me happy because i tend to have self-destructive tendencies. I have a general anxiety disorder that makes my thoughts a bit racy, so sorry if there's too much infos here. Love
You really don't have to know exactly what you are. There's nothing wrong with taking a label that you don't end up keeping. Everyone goes through different trials(?) in their self discovery. I know personally my identity has changed numerous times as I've worked to figure out who I am and what I want. I'm 20, I've know about my queerness for 8 years, and I'm still working on my identity. Which you don't need to call yourself a lesbian. Gay isn't a term just for men (I know most people understand that but there's still a lot of heteronormative gays in this world). I've used the term for years, partially because of my gender identity, but also before I started coming to terms with that I always knew that lesbian didn't completely suit me just because of my personality. I also have the most minor attraction to men, though nothing enough to actually act on it. So I understand wanting to have minor experiments with men from the fear of missing out. I also have anxiety and self destructive behaviors so I can also understand that. I'd say if your current relationship truly makes you happy and fulfilled, then stick with it. Relationships like that are hard enough to find as is without letting self doubt getting in the way. There's also no shame in being less experienced than your partners, so don't feel the need to overcompensate. I made that mistake and now its affected multiple relationships and ruined parts of my social life. Basically you shouldn't feel the need to always be putting yourself in a box and feel the need to stick with it. I do think labels can bring a certain comfort but there's no shame in changing labels. Just because it isn't permanent doesn't mean you're stealing or doing something wrong.
I think that labels are just for communicating to people about ourselves. They should not define us or control our actions. You can use one (like lesbian now) and if it does not fit later it is ok to change it. I used the label lesbian for years but I find now that I am with a cis man so now I use panromantic. From what you have said here (I have not gone back into your past posts) you are attracted to women and interested in relationships with them. With men you do not have any attraction or any current interest in a relationship with them, you only find it fun to flirt. Flirting is just playing around and I doubt that finding that fun needs to mean that you have to adjust how you define your orientation. You do not have to force yourself into trying a relationship with a man (which might not be fair to either you or the guy) to "prove" that you are not into guys. It seems that lesbian or something like Sapphic, Gynesexual etc would be acceptable (only if you want to of course).
I understand wanting to have a name for what you are, but it's important to not let it limit or control you. Just my two cents, but it sounds like you're holding on to the idea that you "should" be with a man rather than wanting to. I agree with what others have said: you don't have to fix yourself with a label, but if you do, it's not set in stone; people change their label often while working out just where they fit, and if you opt out of a label entirely afterwards, that's fine. You need to do what feels right to you. That includes not forcing yourself into a relationship with someone you don't feel anything for, as it wouldn't be fair to either of you. If it's important to you to not use a label that might not fit you later but you still want one, I think it would be fair to say Queer or Questioning; these are honest and allow for a lot more wiggle room. But again, no one would fault you if you adopted another label only to realize it doesn't match up later. That you're being honest in not knowing where you fit is enough.
Hey, I would like to thank you all for your kind answers I'm really fulfilled in my current relationship, i think im just quite scared to fall in love because i had a dolorous experiment a few months prior. And I tend to find something to ruin it all, like focusing deeply on my "real" sexual orientation, and believing i should to "switch" the gender im dating. I think I'm scared of the word lesbian because it's frustrating to be locked down in such a connoted identity, socially, politically, and I'm scared to "betray" this label if i find men attractive, if im not in that state of mind that "women are so much hotter than men", because to me, I find beauty and grace in both gender. Whereas my partner, which had numerous relationships with both men and women, thinks that women are better. I'm ust deeply emotionally and sexually attracted to women, and im curious about sex with guys, because first of all im a really curious person, i believe in all sort of connexions, i guess im scared not to live/experiment enough, and also i kind of have a pressure to have sex with men because i believe it is linked to a view of femininity, especially in my family , for instance my mom is always saying to me that i should try to date guys, to convince me guys are worth the shot haha To sum up, i feel like im not gay enough, i feel like im not close to be bi because guys give me 0% sparkles, but i feel im too straight to be gay, or at least i don't recognize myself in a, identity that, quite frankly, is scaring me. I mean I was a pretty boy-crazy little girl, it's adolescence and hormones that made realize where my real attraction is standing. Girls are the only ones that gave me the strongest and warmest feelings, and i felt really lonely because i wasn't able to find a girlfriend in my restricted surroundings. I had a few things with guys , celebrity crushes, I like guys who look like they are soft and nice, but I also felt that there was something wrong when I tried to be with some. I don't know if it was fear, i was just like " this isn't it, something feels off". I mean it can be a question of personal connexion but with guys i wouldn't mind if things didn't come very far, whereas with girls i would be upset. I guess i can't suppress this curiosity for guys, i guess i have to embrace it. I'm more sexually opened than a "classic" lesbian, but i mean i feel like women (correct me if im wrong) are more inclined to be fluid sexually . I feel like i have the level of curiosity for the other gender that some straight girl would have. Most straight girls i met like this were like "one day i'll try with a girl, maybe, maybe not, i don't really care". I mean i tend to overthink EVERYTHING, I want to control everything all the time. SO i guess it's echoing in how i'm viewing my sexuality. I would like to say proudly that i'm a lesbian, even if this word seems miles away from me because im distancing myself from it. But I guess that "playing" with some guys to prove that i am wouldn't be fair for any of the guys i would be dating, as u folks pointed out. And I don't why this label makes me so uncomfy, like i feel like you have to have a specific life path to identify as such. When I was figuring out my sexuality, i stepped on youtube a lot ( as one lonely gay does) , and the storytimes of lesbian youtubers often portrayed a sexuality that was anchored deep inside them since childhood. And i didn't recognize myself in those. Anyway. I'll stop ranting; I think i need to let go a little, to accept my attractions and to be ok with no being a 100% sure about what I am. Am i gay, lesbian, bi, homoromantic-bisexual, the hell i know. I mean I'm in love, so it's what matters, right? I hope u guys can light me up on some points, or at least i hope my little rant helped a few of u Take care XX
