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rough waters

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by SalMonila, Nov 29, 2020.

  1. SalMonila

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    first thank u everyone for all your stories and input, this is a great resource i stumbled upon. im in my forties and just coming out to myself and a select few people. problem is im with a woman (who knows and is very supportive) and we have a two year old. we have decided to split up even though we still love each other and do not want to mess up our kid (probably naive of me). we are working on a living situation to live as close as possible. i initially was hoping for a guest house situation and while ideal for me, itd be unfair to expect that and things would get weird.

    this is crazy. reality comes and hits me in waves and when it hits, i start shaking and have a panic attack. im blowing up everyones life and the guilt and shame is unbearable at times. i cant crack though because i have people depending on me. sometimes in the car or in the shower i just start yelling FUUCCKKK!

    i had to get that out. i have no one to talk about this situation with. ive never even heard of such a thing. has anyone been able to make this kind of situation work and always be there for the family they are torching?
     
  2. Spartan 117

    Admin Team Full Member

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    While I don't have experience with family life, I thought I'd stop by to say hello, welcome to the forum and maybe give a few words of encouragement to say that you're not alone!

    What you're describing actually sounds a little like grief. When a relationship ends, even if it's for the best, it's still incredibly sad and you have to go through a grieving process. There's a lot to mourn: the relationship itself, the stability, the plans that you had. It's easy to think "why am I doing this to myself?". Plus there's a period of time where you have to reassess what to do next, and ultimately what you want out of life now that this chapter of your life is over. It's all a bit terrifying!

    But that doesn't necessarily mean you're doing the wrong thing. You have a lot to be proud of: you have a good relationship with your ex-partner, and it's clear you both care about your child. There's no reason to assume that they're going to be "messed up", especially as they have two parents who love them.

    As for 'hearing about such a thing', if you're talking about coming out as LGBT after being in a hetrosexual relationship for many years: then yes, I've definitely heard about such a thing! Some members of our forum know exactly what you're going through (you might want to check the Later In Life sub-forum, don't worry they're not old :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:). There is a much loved TV presenter here in the UK who recently came out as gay to his wife and family, and they've all been very supportive. Times are changing, and I think people realise that being LGBT can be complicated and confusing, especially with pressure put on us by society both now, and in the past.

    I'm sorry you're going through this incredibly tough time right now, but remember that it will pass, and you're definitely not alone in what you're going through.
     
    #2 Spartan 117, Nov 29, 2020
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2020
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  3. PatrickUK

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    In life, we must be true to ourselves. Authenticity is important. Sometimes it can be difficult as we make that journey towards authenticity and honesty and we may worry about the impact it's having on others, but what's far worse is living a lie and being enduringly frustrated and unhappy. Once we are stuck in that cycle, everyone suffers because it's difficult to suppress the hurt and how it affects our mood. Trust me when I say that kids pick up on parental unhappiness and disaffection and when they don't fully understand what's causing it they may react against it or turn it inward - blaming themselves. In taking this tough decision now while your kid is still young, you are sparing them from many years of confusion and if you work with your ex-partner to create a stable upbringing they shouldn't suffer.

    Coming out can be challenging and even more so when we are having to detach from a past that has been very different, but you can achieve so much as long as that main thread of care and concern for others remains. What you are going through is not new or unique. Please do take a look at the Later In Life sub-forum where you will discover threads from people who have made the journey and found happiness with another person of the same sex after a straight relationship/marriage.

    Use the forum whenever you need a place to talk or vent.
     
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  4. SalMonila

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    thank you for the supportive words. its a huge help knowing someone took the time read and respond to my problems. i do want to live an authentic life and show our kid you dont have to hide your true self. his mom and i were fighting a lot and since we made this decision, everythings been much more calm. i really commend all the young people i read about on here who are still in school going through this process. i wouldnt have the guts to do it way back in the 1900’s. thanks again!
     
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