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Five months on...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by quadratic, Nov 28, 2020.

  1. quadratic

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    Late next week it will be five months since that fateful day when I came out to my family, who reacted with absolute horror and dismay - not about my being gay (one of my sons is gay), but about my hiding it from them for so long. So far they have resolutely closed their doors on me. There are some family birthdays coming up, and I have been given strict instructions not to attempt any communication. And of course Christmas will not include me in any way.

    Possibly the worst thing is my own phlegmatic indifference - it's a case of "meh; they'll come round eventually", and I'm worried that this shows up a side of me I'd rather not acknowledge: a fundamental lack of empathy. Surely I should feel sadder and more desperate than I do? I did have several sessions with a clinical psychologist, who more-or-less validated my feelings (or lack of), but I terminated the sessions (with her full understanding and approval) when I thought we were just re-hashing the same issues.

    This means that really, the only person I talk to much is my 89-year old mother. She thinks I'm just wonderful (thanks, mum!) and any difficulties between me and my (ex)-wife were due to her own behaviour. In fact, I gave her (my ex-wife) plenty of occasion for grief, and I was certainly not the open, approachable husband she'd hoped I'd be. The relationship with my ex-wife is the only long one I've ever had, and I have no idea if I'm bad at relationships, or just bad at relationships with her. (She did, and does, carry a very large amount of baggage.)

    I have been keeping on with my boyfriend (we acknowledge this to each other), although it's had to be an arms-length sort of relationship: he's a hospital-based nurse, and has been up to his arms in Covid-19 matters for months, including multiple tests and at least one enforced isolation. Also, he's studying. And we're both busy people professionally. I'm hoping this will change, and I've been spending the last few days looking up gay getaway places for us to go for a weekend. And he has talked about us travelling interstate together. (This is Australia, by the way).

    But I would still hope eventually for some sort of reconciliation with my children...

    Anyway, this is all me just thinking aloud, so to speak. Keep well, folks, keep sane, and hope for a healthier, and more free future!

    Al
     
  2. HM03

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    It sounds like a shitty situation to be in. It honestly sounds like THEY lack empathy and it's a petty thing to cut you off for 5+ months. So petty it kind of sounds like there may be some other issue, or they aren't aren't actually okay with you being gay.

    You can revisit the issue at a later date if you wish, although it sounds like the ball (and apology) should be in their court.

    Free feel to get your thoughts out there whenever you need to. Sending positive vibes :slight_smile:
     
    QuietPeace likes this.
  3. silverhalo

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    Hey I'm sorry that they have done that to you. Do you feel as though you would like to contact them, as in write a letter or something or do you just feel more like waiting and seeing?
     
  4. quadratic

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    Thank you so much for your warm and supportive replies. Let me add two things. First, I was talking to my brother, who is trying to organize a family Christmas get-together, and who had been speaking to my ex-wife. (I should have said we are in fact still legally married, but it's a marriage in name only.) His comments to me afterwards was that my family were being unnecessarily punitive. Second, this last week I had to have a colonoscopy (the results of which came back all clear, I'm happy to say.) Because of the anaesthetic, the clinic will not perform the procedure unless you can guarantee somebody to sign you out, drive you home, and keep an eye on you for a while - taking a taxi/uber home is not permitted. So I asked my eldest son (the gay one) if he would do it - and he refused - he said he'd "rather not". (So I got my brother to be my driver).

    Against that level of negativity/animosity, trying to open up some sort of communication is well-nigh impossible.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Yes, I can understand your position. It is really sad that you are in this situation I hope that one day they decide that they want a relationship and at that point you also still want it.
     
  6. DecentOne

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    Hi Quadratic,
    So sorry to hear your family is doing this cut-off from you.

    You said that your son had been reluctant to come to you when he came out to your wife. Was she keeping the two of you apart, limiting parental bonding back then and still doing so now? My wife didn’t want me coming out to our (grown) kids, telling me they would be devastated to learn I wasn’t straight. I knew that was not true, and told her so, and also kept conversing with her about how important it was for them to hear it directly from me. Months later we’d worked out a way to reveal my bisexuality to them. I was surprised how much she had wanted to control the situation. I think that was in part because she was so not in control of my orientation.