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I think I’m a lesbian

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by poohbearxo, Nov 23, 2020.

  1. poohbearxo

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    I’m 22, and I’ve had a sudden realisation I could possibly be a lesbian, and I am very confused and anxious.

    To give some info, I have always been boy crazy, I always wanted guys to give me attention and I would compete with others for guys attention, oftentimes feeling jealous that one guy liked another girl. Looking back at my teenage years, it was always focused around men’s attention, and I would engage in things such as sexting guys so I would feel wanted etc. I did however have feelings for a few guys in particular, who I think I was in love with.

    When I was 15 I started to crush on girls at school and this girl on TV and it was then when I started to question my sexuality, believing I was bisexual. I would go through phases of being really obsessed with a guy, and then a girl. Looking back, my sexuality was a big part of my upset and confusion.

    I had my first girlfriend at 15, in secret, on and off for 4 months, and I really had strong feelings for her. After that ended, I tried to force myself to be straight because I was taken aback by my feelings, so I started to date my current boyfriend, and we have been together for 6 years. For the first few years he would flirt and talk to other girls so I desperately wanted his attention, and during this time I was ignoring my feelings for girls because I was focused on him. I wouldn’t ever have sex with him because I wanted to, but because I felt I needed to, and I liked knowing he was attracted to me because it made me feel better about myself. I have never been sexually attracted to men, to me it’s like trying to find a wall attractive, it just isn’t there for me. I like the feeling of a penis inside of me, and for me, that feeling is attractive but in general I don’t get turned on by men, only women.

    My feelings for women have started to get more intense and I am currently crushing hard on a girl at work. She’s my type and she’s really quiet and sweet, and I only see her for like 5 mins in a day, but I can’t stop thinking about her and when I see her I get really nervous. She’s gay, and I wish she knew how I felt. I literally cannot get her off my mind, but I’ve never really spoken to her before so I am imagining and hyping up a girl that could turn out to be completely different than in my head.

    Me and my boyfriend are currently in the process of buying our first house together, and as the months go by, I am starting to get anxious and am starting to realise that this will be my life. Thinking about getting married is something that fills me with anxiety and guilt. I have never properly had an experience with a woman and I’m still unsure of my sexuality. I love my boyfriend so much, and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for feeling this way and betraying him. I don’t have the strength or courage to leave him and I hate myself for it. There is genuinely no way I could leave him right now, and I know I have to go through the housing process with him and living together. I know however I may regret it and become miserable but I am too much of a coward.

    Part of me wants to repress and ignore my feelings for women and to live a straight life, and literally force myself. The other part of me knows later down the line I will regret it. It sounds awful but I wish my boyfriend could cheat on me or leave me so it gives me an excuse to leave him, yet I feel so so guilty for even thinking that. He loves me so much and I love him, I can’t think of my life without him by my side.
     
  2. TheJack

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    From the sounds of it, it sounds like you're not really into guys.
    You should talk to your boyfriend about your relationship. It'll be a hard thing to do, but its really for the best. Not just for you, but for your boy aswell. You guys will be unhappy if you're not actually attracted to him and he'll feel lied to you if you let it continue any longer.

    That's just my two cents. Do what makes you happy.
     
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  3. Nic2552

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    Honestly I know how you feel because I once felt that way, actually almost all of us on here have.. Does your boyfriend know you have attraction for women? Do you think he would be open to a open relationship?
     
  4. AQueerGirl

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    I can’t express enough how much I feel you.
    I once had a boyfriend who I wanted to live my life with. I didn’t really was attracted to him and I thought that’s normal and after sex I would convince myself again that I’m straight.
    (I would tell myself that i just had sex with a guy so I must be straight or at least bi, right?)
    Please please please be honest with yourself. I won’t tell you what to do - it’s your own choice. So think about the life you want to have in 10 years. What’s the gender of this person? How do you want to kiss this person in the morning? With passion? Only because you need? Only to satisfy?
    I hope that’ll get you an answer. I’m here if you need to talk.
     
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  5. SGee

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    If you think you are it might mean you actually are and just need to get used to it
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Hey that's a really tough situation but as some of the above posters have said you need to talk to your boyfriend before this house purchase goes through. It isn't fair on either of you for this to carry on. If you are feeling this way it is only going to get worse the longer it goes on.
    Does anyone know how you are feeling?
     
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