!!LONG POST WARNING!! How do I nicely tell my friends to stop buying me Christmas/birthday gifts? A little background: every December one of my best friends hosts a cookie party where my friend group (five total) goes over her house and bake several different types of cookies (she's a professional baker, and has several different types of delicious cookies that I usually can't get anywhere else) and then at the end of the party take them home in tins/buckets and have them to eat throughout the holiday season. Over time, this also developed into when we would exchange our Christmas gifts. However, in recent years, I've acquired too much clutter. I'm actively trying to get rid of a lot of my crap that I no longer want or have use for, especially because I buy a lot of stuff myself and the amount of useless/unnecessary stuff I have is growing to the point where I need to get rid of a bunch of stuff before I get more (I also think I may have a bit of a shopping/spending problem myself) but I digress... Another problem is most of the stuff my friends buy me is stuff I don't want. One of them gave me chopsticks one year (They're really into anime and Asian culture, and assume I like it too), which luckily had a gift receipt included and I returned asap. Another has started giving me these little figurines, which are cute and I actually DO like, but I can see that becoming a problem if she buys me new ones every year due to the aforementioned clutter problem. Other times it's just stupid/pointless tchotchke stuff that although was purchased with love, I have no use for. The ONE useful present was when one friend bought everyone fleece blankets one year. That one I liked and still use to this day when winter rolls around. A secondary problem is that my birthday is a few days after Christmas, which results in some friends in said group buying me double gifts, one for Christmas and one for birthday, which is also unnecessary (also because I don't buy them anything for their birthdays, which I'm also scared to bring up because I don't want to point that out and look like an asshole for not getting them anything, although no one has brought it up yet, but I don't even know if they notice.) Then one of the five (who is more of a friend of a friend) got married so now it's double gifts for them (which I've made a commitment to just buy them a couple gift instead of individuals, I'm not made of money). I want them to stop giving me gifts. I tried a few years back when I was out of work at the time and told them I wouldn't be able to afford gifts for them that year (which they were fine with), but scoffed/wouldn't take no for an answer when I told them not to get me anything in return. One friend actually repurposed my Christmas gift into my birthday gift that year (although I think that was because she had already bought it by the time I said no gifts). I'm trying to make it easier on everybody. We're all 20-somethings who aren't made of money. I'm trying to help everyone from spending money on more than they have to, myself included. I go to the party for their company (as we don't get to hang out much in person due to our work/school schedules, so physically seeing them on a rare occasion instead of texting everyday is nice) and the cookies, and don't expect anything else. I would be entirely happy having the cookies we make and take home count as my gift, and I don't want/need anything else. How can I tell them this and actually have them listen, as they didn't seem to in the past? And I'd also like to tell them that I'd like it to stop both ways (i.e. I don't buy you gifts, you don't buy me any). I'm perfectly fine with them giving gifts to each other in front of me and would not be upset in any way, shape, or form if I didn't get anything other than the cookies. How can I bring this up and suggest this without upsetting anyone/sounding like a complete jerk? Also would it just come off as greedy to basically say "I don't want presents, but will gladly accept your time and cookies"? It's not like she's just giving the cookies away, we are actually making them and decorating them all ourselves during the party, so we're putting the time and effort in to earn them instead of just showing up to take some. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi there! If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be honest, thank them for the intentions and thought, and say that I don't need anything or have all the things I need. I would also say that as much I appreciate it, spending time and doing things together, is more important to me. Depending on the friend, and if they really insist on getting a gift, I'd ask them to get me a gift card which would be sufficient. Alternatively, I might also say instead of them getting me a gift, I'd rather have them donate the money to a worthy cause.
I agree with Mirko, I think that you should emphasize this part with them Make sure to let them know that you like the time together and that you do want to keep up your participation in the cookie thing as it is sharing and it does not add to your clutter.
Great suggestions so far. You could also just say that because you're trying to live more minimally, if they would really like to get you something that they could give a donation to a food bank or charity in your name.
Believe it or not this is a perfect opportunity to set boundaries with your friends. And they should hopefully respect them. There’s a polite way to do it, too. This conversation is one I actually have to have every single year with the band and I have to tell them to relay it to their parents as well. It’s always batons. Every single year, SOMEBODY will gift me a baton. And while I appreciate it and love it, I have a cup full on my desk. Most teachers have a cup of pencils/pens, I have a cup of batons. One thing I’ll do with students is ask that if they want to do something, get me a gift card to wwbw.com which is an online music supplies retailer. I can always find stuff there I need. Even stuff I need for the band. (Yes, sometimes I spent gift cards on the band). Or if they don’t want to do that, write me a paper on why they appreciate band. Or send me a picture of their favorite memory with the band. Anything like that. Simply explain to them that you’re uncomfortable receiving the gifts and you love spending the quality time together. You’re good with the cookies being your gift because the other stuff makes you uncomfortable.
You could say that you’re trying to pare down your material possessions and enjoy the cookies as the yearly special treat but if your friends are up for it, they can donate 10 bucks to a charity in your name that you’ve chosen this year. Food bank or some other needy cause.
Sorry but I was smiling whilst reading this. Kinda funny. I didn't know such a problem exists because I always wanted to get gifts. But there has been none in recent years. As others mentioned, Tell them you're a minimalist person (if they don't make joke about it ) and want to only have some absolutely necessary stuff in your house.
Of the four (five including me), I am only out to two of them, so that might be an odd suggestion for the other two.
That is a good suggestion. I mean I'm not uncomfortable with the gifts, just more annoyed, I guess is the right word.
Eh... uncomfortable is a better way to say annoyed. Then they won’t pry as much nor take as much offense.
